Posted in Humor, She's A Maineiac

2016 Prophecies Revealed!

I was in the attic sifting through some of my old middle school poetry notebooks (shut up), when I came across a strange leather-bound book. I brushed off a layer of dust to reveal a tantalizing title etched in glittering pink:

The Book About Me!
(KEEP OUT!!!)
(I MEAN IT!!!)

Intrigued, I carefully opened to the first chapter, mysteriously entitled:

I ♥ Shaun Cassidy

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Soon I was devouring page after page of this ancient early-1980s text.  Not only did I love Shaun Cassidy endlessly, but I had apparently lapsed into several Aqua Net induced trances and jotted down dire predictions about the coming century.

Nostradamus-2016
Yeah, like this dude. Strangely enough, I also had the same beard.

It’s true. I was a 12-year-old prophet in ribbon barrettes. Granted, I also roller-skated into walls and dreamed of marrying one of The Monkees. But damn, I sure predicted the shit out of things!

I predict one day I'll be blogging about my stupid ribbon barrettes.
I predict one day I’ll be an unknown penniless blogger writing about my stupid ribbon barrettes.

Unearthed here for the first time, I present to you four of my famous “quatrains”.
See if you can decipher their meaning.

It would help if you imagine each one being read aloud in the somber voice of either Nostradamus or Shaun Cassidy.

[lightning flashes, thunder cracks, creepy organ music plays, heavy mist of Aqua Net swirls]

Quatrain #1:

The tangerine-colored clown shall rise,

lo, the masses condemned beneath him quake;

Earth and Moon turn to blood and stone,

The wit-less defeated soundly, the Woman of Hill takes the throne.

Quatrain #2:

The worship of gluteus maximus sweeps the land,

Its strange form mysterious and horrific;

The Clan of Kardash multiplies unrelenting,

Tainting the airwaves, and forevermore, our souls.

Quatrain #3:

Glowing rectangles shall rule the days,

The universe lies vulnerable within an Idiot’s grasp;

Meager thoughts spew forth from fingers,

As fools wither in the pale Twittering light.

Quatrain #4: (this is my fave)

A Man of Mystery appears, “Da Doo Ron Ron,” he sings,

His eyes drops of caramel, his hair feathered wings:

Whispered words from his sun-kissed lips shall fall,

Shaun Cassidy ♥ Darla, and that is all.

MTE4MDAzNDEwMzc5OTAwNDMw
What? It could still happen.

Not bad, huh? I think I was fairly accurate for someone hopped up on Pop Rocks and Mello Yello.

 

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Author:

Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

35 thoughts on “2016 Prophecies Revealed!

  1. I really think you need to sit down and write some more quatrains. For instance, I would like to know what happens to this clown fella. Does he return to challenge this Woman of the Hill, and if so, what happens?

    Also, I’d appreciate a personal prediction for yours truly. It’s spelled Trent Lewin. No ‘e’ at the end.

    Like

    1. The Woman of Hill conquers the candy-corn-colored clown,
      He retreats in humiliation back to his golden empire;
      lo, the People of America have spoken,
      “You’re fired. Get lost. Don’t come back now, ya hear?”

      Like

  2. Damn, girl. Or as we say here in the South…Day-um, Sugar. How’s yore Mama n’em?

    Oh, never mind, sometimes I slip into my sweet southern belle persona. Could be the drugs. Or the lack of sleep. Seriously, this post is bloggy gold. It seems surgery and anesthesia haven’t slowed ya down a bit.

    If only Shaun could have laid those Precious-Moment-like peepers on that hottie, 12 year old DarlaDamas! Imagine what beautiful babies they would have had. His eyes and her hair!

    I think I’ve interpreted those quatrains. Every time I see the tangerine clown I have to fight the urge to order a bilirubin test. And a good stiff drink. And seriously, if large round bottoms are a status symbol, why aren’t I rich and famous?

    Could you check those dusty pages and see if there are any predictions concerning a 61 year old grandmother winning the powerball in 2016? I want to know if I should throw on some clothes, brush my teeth and head to the nearest Piggly Wiggly? If not I’m just gonna skip the tooth brushing and go to Walmart in my pajamas…like I usually do.

    Like

    1. Thanks, Katy! I think the anesthesia only helped me tap into that bizarro imagination of mine. I had hardly any filter to being with and now I think it’s completely gone…

      And yes, Shaun and I would have made glorious babies, all with full heads of perfectly feathered hair, natch.

      I tried once REALLY hard to watch Trump speak and I couldn’t do it. He basically just repeats himself and smirks. And looks orange.

      I did find a prediction about you!

      The semi-retired nurse shall play her numbers,
      Hopes and dreams weigh heavily on 3, 15, 23, 27, 29, 31;
      A crapload of Benjamins rain down,
      She gives 80% of it to She’s a Maineiac.

      Like

  3. nice! i have recently been mining my own dusty notebooks for bloggy gold, but nothing nearly so prophetic has been revealed. the woman of hill, and the clan of kardash, indeed!

    Like

  4. Damn, Darla.

    If you were really good at predicting stuff when you were 12 you would have burned those notebooks like I did.

    Just the other day I confessed to my husband that I will love Sir Paul McCartney until I die.

    Like

    1. Hmm…how odd… I just found this in the back of my notebook:

      “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah”,
      “He loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah”;
      Sir Paul McCartney shall fall deeply in love with Elyse,
      lo, they shall live happily ever after — (sorry hubby, tough titties)

      Do you know what this quatrain means? I can’t figure it out.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Is it weird that I can still sing all the lyrics to David (sorry, not Shaun) Cassidy’s “I Think I Love You?” Sorry, sounded less creepy in my head.

    Now I’ve got to doo-run-run.

    Like

    1. Danny looked like David?! You lucky, lucky woman.
      And I’ve decided I will run for president. I have nothing else going on, so why not? (I think this was Trump’s reasoning as well)

      Like

  6. My first thought when I read “tangerine-colored clown” was probably not what I should have thought of – Le Clown. Remember that guy? Whatever happened to him?!?!

    Like

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