I was in the attic sifting through some of my old middle school poetry notebooks (shut up), when I came across a strange leather-bound book. I brushed off a layer of dust to reveal a tantalizing title etched in glittering pink:

The Book About Me!
(I MEAN IT!!!)

Intrigued, I carefully opened to the first chapter, mysteriously entitled:

I ♥ Shaun Cassidy


Soon I was devouring page after page of this ancient early-1980s text.  Not only did I love Shaun Cassidy endlessly, but I had apparently lapsed into several Aqua Net induced trances and jotted down dire predictions about the coming century.


Yeah, like this dude. Strangely enough, I also had the same beard.

It’s true. I was a 12-year-old prophet in ribbon barrettes. Granted, I also roller-skated into walls and dreamed of marrying one of The Monkees. But damn, I sure predicted the shit out of things!

I predict one day I'll be blogging about my stupid ribbon barrettes.

I predict one day I’ll be an unknown penniless blogger writing about my stupid ribbon barrettes.

Unearthed here for the first time, I present to you four of my famous “quatrains”.
See if you can decipher their meaning.

It would help if you imagine each one being read aloud in the somber voice of either Nostradamus or Shaun Cassidy.

[lightning flashes, thunder cracks, creepy organ music plays, heavy mist of Aqua Net swirls]

Quatrain #1:

The tangerine-colored clown shall rise,

lo, the masses condemned beneath him quake;

Earth and Moon turn to blood and stone,

The wit-less defeated soundly, the Woman of Hill takes the throne.

Quatrain #2:

The worship of gluteus maximus sweeps the land,

Its strange form mysterious and horrific;

The Clan of Kardash multiplies unrelenting,

Tainting the airwaves, and forevermore, our souls.

Quatrain #3:

Glowing rectangles shall rule the days,

The universe lies vulnerable within an Idiot’s grasp;

Meager thoughts spew forth from fingers,

As fools wither in the pale Twittering light.

Quatrain #4: (this is my fave)

A Man of Mystery appears, “Da Doo Ron Ron,” he sings,

His eyes drops of caramel, his hair feathered wings:

Whispered words from his sun-kissed lips shall fall,

Shaun Cassidy ♥ Darla, and that is all.


What? It could still happen.

Not bad, huh? I think I was fairly accurate for someone hopped up on Pop Rocks and Mello Yello.