Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor, News

Panama Paper-Trained

Don't jump to conclusions. No one is going to jail. This is just one of the fun Halloween costumes that crooked billionaires might consider wearing to the big bash in the British Virgin Islands later this year. (Image from cruiselawnews dot com)
Don’t jump to conclusions – No one is going to jail. This is just one of the fun Halloween costumes that crooked billionaires might consider wearing to the big bash in the Cayman Islands later this year. (Image from cruiselawnews dot com)

As you may know, there is yet another bombshell leak in the news these days.  The Panama Papers supposedly show what many of us have suspected: Rich and powerful people go to great lengths to keep from paying their fair share of taxes.  The Swiss bank accounts of yesteryear have been replaced by phony corporations, bogus holding groups and enough money laundering to wash even the grimiest of hedge-fund manager and/or stripper germs off of piles of c-notes.

I had originally planned to do some serious investigatory journalism of the leaked documents and rant about the billionaire class running rough-shod all over the little man.  As it happens, many of the movers and shakers exposed in these documents have more than a passing amount of influence on the media.  As such, I’ll let Nancy Grace and Geraldo break that bombshell wide open.  I’ve decided instead to get out ahead of this debacle and come clean before anyone subpoenas me.

You see, I’m not above a little creative accounting myself.  While I haven’t quite resorted to off-shore accounts (yet), and I pay more than my share of taxes, I’m sure the hammer is going to fall eventually.  I’m hoping that they’ll go easy on me for being so forthright.

 

  • When buying groceries, I’ll occasionally ask the cashier to give me an extra twenty dollars cash back on my debit card.  My original plan had been to show my wife what a crappy bargain hunter I was in hopes she would take over the shopping.  When that strategy failed, I came to accept the extra money as payment for my work pushing the cart up and down the aisles and trying to find those weird granola things she had given me a coupon for.  These bills were later cleverly hidden in the pages of homebrew supply catalogs.
I think I've seen this groovy bird at the laundromat, but I don't recognize her with shoes on. (Image from fastcoexist dot com)
I think I may have seen this groovy bird at the laundromat, but I don’t recognize her with shoes on. (Image from fastcoexist dot com)
  • In October of 2014, my wife was certain she had left a ten dollar bill in her jeans.  She asked me twice whether I’d seen the money while I was advancing the wash to the dryer.  Though I had indeed seen the ten, I told her that I had not.  It was placed on a basement shelf above her eye-height to dry and was later spent on an ill-named “Value meal” at a local chicken shack.  For the record, I was so wracked with guilt, I could barely swallow that southern-fried sandwich of shame.
This leggy gal should know better than to sit around a laundromat without proper footwear. Lord knows where she's keeping all of her quarters. (Image from pinterest dot com)
This leggy gal should know better than to sit around a laundromat without proper footwear. Lord knows where she’s keeping all of her quarters. (Image from pinterest dot com)
  • While unpacking from a recent trip south of the border, I discovered a twenty peso note in a pair of shorts.  I neglected to disclose this information to my wife, despite the fact that twenty pesos is likely enough to buy her a sports car.  I rationalized my deceit as payback for my wife’s having been overly critical of my struggle to understand exchange rates.
Mexican money is cool. This bill even has some Starbucks lingo on it! (Image from travlang dot com)
Mexican money is cool. This bill might even have some of that Starbucks lingo on it! (Image from travlang dot com)
  • Finally, when trying on an old sport coat, I found several dollars in the inner pocket, likely left there from when some banquet hall employee was not deserving of more of a gratuity.  This windfall was not reported to my wife or the authorities.  The money was transferred to the pocket of a suit jacket and subsequently donated to a heavy-handed bartender named Paco at a recent wedding.  I do not recall asking whether Paco had intended to fill out the proper tax forms, as his drag-pours left my memory somewhat fuzzy.
There's a possibility the money in my sports jacket may have been left over from a funeral I attended where there was no valet parking. (Image from etsy dot com)
There’s a possibility the money in my sports jacket may have been left over from a funeral I attended where there was no valet parking. (Image from etsy dot com)

 

If you know my wife, please ask her to go easy on me.  Should you find my financial disclosures trivial, please note that I am likely to suffer greater consequences than the majority of people listed in the Panama papers.

 

 

 

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

10 thoughts on “Panama Paper-Trained

  1. Reblogged this on 1pointperspective and commented:

    I’m taking a break from brewing my own beer to post over at The Nudge Wink Report. Today’s topic is the sexy, exotic world of full financial disclosure and my unlikely court appearances due to any involvement with or inclusion in the infamous Panama Papers. May my lovely wife have mercy on my soul!

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  2. Sorry, Dave, but this terrible.
    But it’s not too late to cover up your crimes and hide from responsibility (because that’s what rich people who nag everyone else about personal responsibility do). Because luckily for you, one of the top offshore havens is just a relatively short drive away from you: the state of Delaware. So collect all that ill-gotten cash, hop into your car, and drive there. It doesn’t sound like you have skimmed enough money to hire a lawyer or set up a shell corporation, but at the very least you have enough to dig a hole in the ground – but make sure it’s within the borders of Delaware – and hide your dirty (except for the $10 bill you’d washed) money there.

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      1. No, no, no! Do not take the toll bridge! If your wife looks at the Easy Pass statement and sees that you traveled to Delaware, she’ll start to suspect something.

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  3. You are one lucky bugger. Maybe I should stop by and rub your head for luck before I buy my next lotto ticket. *grin*

    I recently discovered a plastic sandwich with assorted Euro bills, and numerous coins. I took them into the bank and the notes scored me about $45. SCORE! But I was told that the bank no longer accepts coins at foreign exchange. So I’m out what would have been enough to pay off my Visa bill. It would almost be worth it to buy a ticket to France and spend the coins over there. Almost.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. To hell with the IRS – the wifely wrath is certainly the more terrible fate. Perhaps you can come home with a dozen roses and that weird granola thing and throw yourself on her mercy?

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