star_wars_funny_12It’s been over five months since our most recent coverage of Star Wars so hang on tight. A lot has happened since then. This ain’t like dusting crops, boy.

Spoiler alert: Many Bothans died to bring you this information. It’s not kosher canon, either, sprinkled with the anointed fluids of The One: George Lucas.

In 1977 I watched a movie called Star Wars. True story, I never saw that movie again.

“Whoa,” you might be saying at this point. “What the hell kind of nerd are you?”

Good question. Even though I wanted to see it again, I was powerless. It turned out to be an impossible task.

silly_star_wars_humor_thats_actually_pretty_funny_640_high_21Someone wise once said, “With great success comes great irresponsibility.” The movie known as Star Wars was taken behind the Outer Rim and shot. It was replaced with Episode IV: A New Hope. Yep, a doppelganger.

Those were the dark times. The time of The Great Lies:

  • Luke and Leia were not related.
  • Darth Vader killed Luke’s father.
  • Jabba the Hutt was a chubby dude from Game of Thrones who ended up on the cutting room floor.
  • Lucas had planned for nine movies the whole time.
  • Greedo shot first.

And, perhaps most on point, Lucas saying, “I didn’t have the technology I needed at the time to tell the story.”

All lies.

It was like millions of Hollywood executives cried out in greed at the success of the movie and suddenly yelled, “More money!” Forced into a new career, Lucas had no choice. He started pulling plot twists out of his ass.

With power and money, Lucas became unstoppable. He started making changes to the movie. Fans cried out for the original. He ignored them. They organized petitions. “Pray I don’t alter the film any further,” he hissed, before doing it anyway.

cracker-star-wars-03mDecades later, though, a Rebellion was born. They were a nerdscrabble band of techno-millennials with the vision and ability to do what Lucas refused: Restore the original 1977 Star Wars.

Using a variety of sources that had been hidden in droids, the Rebellion cobbled together, as best they could, a replica of the movie as it was originally seen aka sans Lucas dribble.

Fittingly, the highly unofficial and unauthorized film is only available on the dark web. And I very much want to see experience the film of my youth one last time, Lucas be damned.

For more information on Star Wars – The Silver Screen Edition: – You can finally watch the original Star Wars as it was meant to be seen