Posted in Humor, Shouts from the Abyss

In Brevity: A New Hope

star_wars_funny_12It’s been over five months since our most recent coverage of Star Wars so hang on tight. A lot has happened since then. This ain’t like dusting crops, boy.

Spoiler alert: Many Bothans died to bring you this information. It’s not kosher canon, either, sprinkled with the anointed fluids of The One: George Lucas.

In 1977 I watched a movie called Star Wars. True story, I never saw that movie again.

“Whoa,” you might be saying at this point. “What the hell kind of nerd are you?”

Good question. Even though I wanted to see it again, I was powerless. It turned out to be an impossible task.

silly_star_wars_humor_thats_actually_pretty_funny_640_high_21Someone wise once said, “With great success comes great irresponsibility.” The movie known as Star Wars was taken behind the Outer Rim and shot. It was replaced with Episode IV: A New Hope. Yep, a doppelganger.

Those were the dark times. The time of The Great Lies:

  • Luke and Leia were not related.
  • Darth Vader killed Luke’s father.
  • Jabba the Hutt was a chubby dude from Game of Thrones who ended up on the cutting room floor.
  • Lucas had planned for nine movies the whole time.
  • Greedo shot first.

And, perhaps most on point, Lucas saying, “I didn’t have the technology I needed at the time to tell the story.”

All lies.

It was like millions of Hollywood executives cried out in greed at the success of the movie and suddenly yelled, “More money!” Forced into a new career, Lucas had no choice. He started pulling plot twists out of his ass.

With power and money, Lucas became unstoppable. He started making changes to the movie. Fans cried out for the original. He ignored them. They organized petitions. “Pray I don’t alter the film any further,” he hissed, before doing it anyway.

cracker-star-wars-03mDecades later, though, a Rebellion was born. They were a nerdscrabble band of techno-millennials with the vision and ability to do what Lucas refused: Restore the original 1977 Star Wars.

Using a variety of sources that had been hidden in droids, the Rebellion cobbled together, as best they could, a replica of the movie as it was originally seen aka sans Lucas dribble.

Fittingly, the highly unofficial and unauthorized film is only available on the dark web. And I very much want to see experience the film of my youth one last time, Lucas be damned.

For more information on Star Wars – The Silver Screen Edition:
BGR.com – You can finally watch the original Star Wars as it was meant to be seen

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

11 thoughts on “In Brevity: A New Hope

  1. You know what? I think I’m going to take a pass on watching this. Unless someone loans me their dvd copy. And it comes with a bottle of vodka. And snacks. I’m just not feeling it this time around.

    Am I wrong to think this way? What say you, oh grand Guru…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you serious that the original isn’t the original? I remember watching it on the big screen when it first came out and we were blown away. BLOWN AWAY!

    I never watched the middle ones, though, and when they renamed the first to be the not-first I kinda gave up on the whole thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I fully agree. Suddenly saying that Star Wars was actually the fourth volume in the series was an egregious cheat. I thought Star Wars was an amazing stand-alone film, needing neither sequels nor prequels. To this day, most Star Wars fans swear The Empire Strikes Back is the best film of the original trilogy. To me, this is untrue, because that film was unnecessary. I tried watching Volume One, but it gave me a headache. Thus, my Star Wars viewing will be limited to the original trilogy, and the first film will always be the best, for it can stand alone.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. This is true. The original is decidedly not the original because Lucas kept fiddling with it. He added scenes, which is actually fairly common and not that bad, if he would have put it out as “Director’s Cut” or some such. But he didn’t stop there. He replaced original footage with CGI. He sprinkled in new creatures. He changed music. He added more spaceships. And, in the most famous and egregious instance, he made it so the Greedo shot first, because Han shooting first isn’t something that John Wayne would do. And that’s just the first movie! šŸ™‚

      The versions currently for sale on iTunes are all “special editions” with all of his most recent changes. You can’t legally buy the original versions any more.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I saw the original in 1977 and it was a ground breaking film, very entertaining. I saw all the others, but they didn’t impress me as much as the first one. And I saw The Force Awakens. It was good, but more violent than I recalled in the rest of the movies. It is kind of amazing that a film depicting the future has a group of fans intent on restoring its past. Even the space age has antique dealers. Apparently.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In the first movie a bar fight led to a severed arm on the floor. Of course, it was self-defense. šŸ™‚

      They actually toned down some violent scenes in The Force Awakens, no doubt because of the involvement of Disney. Still, if you think about it, a lot of people are killed in these movies. Every exploding spaceship is someone’s relative. This is war.

      Like

  4. I saw the first one back in the 70s and loved it. The Empire Strikes Back I liked too. But the rest? Eh. I couldn’t handle Jar Jar Binks. But I just saw the newest one and I really liked it. (Although it was deju vu.) My husband is a HUGE Star Wars fan though, so now I’m the proud owner of Storm Trooper wine goblets.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ditto ditto ditto. Return of the Jedi was our first inkling of the George Lucas to come. It was still Star Wars and still pretty good, but it wasn’t as good as the previous two movies.

      Then came the prequel trilogy and, well, it had some good moments, but enough said. šŸ™‚

      Goblets make everything right. Close call.

      Like

  5. The Force Awakens was a trip back to a time when Star Wars had gravitas, unlike the prequels, which offered much in flashy effects (and to be fair, those effects were pretty amazing), but until they got to ROTS, it was weaker in story.

    I don’t see the prequels as the disasters that some fans make them out to be, but the originals, even in their diluted form, are still better. It’s a relief that TFA is going down that road – hopefully Episodes 8 and 9 do likewise.

    Like

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