meh-funny-anti-valentines-day-t-shirtToday I’m on a mission. A mission to find out who, exactly, here at The Nudge Wink Report, thought it was a good idea to assign me to write a post on the Valentine’s Day weekend. Who? Huh?

Did you not read this post?

Peg calls me “Boss Lady” but that’s because I once told her how much I like Bruce Springsteen. It’s not like I’m really the boss. Is it?

I update the writing schedule. I retweet posts. I promote those posts on Facebook. I invite bloggers to guest blog on NWR.

I keep switching the toilet paper around in the bathroom so that the paper comes off the roll FROM THE TOP, as it should.


Okay. It was me. What can I say. I’ve been under considerable stress lately what with not winning the Powerball lottery. What. A. Rip.

[pause to shake it off — get a grip — get back to the point]

I’m single this Valentine’s Day. And I was kinda freaking out. Until I realized this year won’t be much different from the last 15 years. Because I can count on one finger the number of times the ex bothered to buy me a gift. How do you spell asshole? C-H-E-A-P.


So THAT’S why the ex spent so much time in the bathroom!

And there was never anything special planned. He had my adoration so why bother doing anything extra to keep the love alive? How do you spell asshole? L-A-Z-Y.

I’ve spent the last 15 Valentine’s Days with someone who is cheap and lazy. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he was any good in the sack. So cheap, lazy, and…lazy. If I’d known I was going to live over a decade of my life with someone who acted like he had one foot in the grave, I would have pushed his other foot in and handed him a shovel.

But I guess Valentine’s Day is as good a day as any to figure out what I want in a guy. The list is short. Four things, really. Nice is one. Being a guy is the other. For a while there I played around with the idea of swinging my saddle over to the other side but I’ve always been a meat & two veg kind of girl.


Keep sharing personal things I will use to destroy you. Because I can.

The third thing I’m looking for is someone without dead eyes. Have you ever met anyone with dead eyes? Eyes that are veiled and express no emotion? Even when they are caught in a lie or they just got the best news ever? Eyes that express no happiness or shame. A dog will hang it’s head when it’s done something wrong. A snake will look you right in the eye.

The final piece of the perfect-for-me guy is a sense of humor. Someone with a big ole belly shaker of a laugh. Someone who “gets” Stephen Colbert.


Someone who doesn’t look to me to explain why Abbot & Costello’s “Who’s On First” is one of the funniest skits ever in the history of people making other people laugh.

Life is hard. Life is short. Life is love. So carpe diem. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Who respect your choices, even if your choices are not their choices. Be with people who know the difference between “their” and “there.” (Proper word usage is the unspoken fifth element I’m looking for in a guy. Not Bruce Willis though. He’s married.)

This Valentine’s Day, don’t throw a fit if the significant other in your life shows up at your door with a block of Swiss cheese instead of a bouquet of flowers. Love them anyway. Because if you have someone in your life who thinks this is hilarious, you are one lucky fish. (That was a reference to “carp-e” diem. Up there? In the previous paragraph? You got that? Are you single?)


Happy Valentine’s Day!
Hope you enjoy a day of memories and that you don’t spend it with a dick.
A penis is fine. Just not a dick.