I’m the one leaning out the car window, shaking my fist and shooting death beams from my eyes.
Dear Guy Camping Out In the Middle Lane of the Highway,
You probably don’t remember me as you seemed totally oblivious to anything around you, but mine was the car stuck directly behind you for eons* on the highway the other day.
Traffic was heavy, but not stop-and-go. If that were the case it wouldn’t have mattered where you hung out. No, traffic was heavy, but it was moving…until it reached you. You had pitched your tent in the middle lane and there you stayed going a steady, unwavering 60 miles per hour. The speed limit was 70. And I was stuck behind you going a steady, unwavering 60 miles per hour because traffic was whizzing by us going 75 miles per hour in both the right and left lanes. I could not get out of your slip stream.
When I was finally able to pass, I looked over at you. Perhaps you felt the Twin Laser Beams of Righteous Fury shooting out of my eyeballs and through your skull? But I don’t think so. You continued to stare straight ahead, complacent and oblivious, wearing a slightly slack-jawed, bovine expression.
I get why you don’t want to be in the right lane; you don’t want to deal with merging and exiting traffic. I totally get it. But tough doo-doo for you, buddy boy, because the right lane IS the hangout lane. The middle lane isn’t. The right lane is where you belong when you’re:
- Not passing anyone
- About to exit
- Going the speed limit or below
Especially if you’re going below the speed limit. Then, the right lane is the ONLY place for you.
Islands In the Stream can be a good thing…when it’s a song by Dolly and Kenny. When those islands are clueless dip-wads who make everyone else swim around them on a busy, 3 lane highway at rush hour? Not so good.
Let me conclude by saying, on behalf of everybody stuck behind you, from the bottom of my heart (and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here): we hate you.
Move over.
Regards,
Peg-o-Leg
*It was about 1-1/2 minutes which, as any student of science knows, is an eon as time is measured via Quantum Vehicular Physics.
nudge. wink. report. 
And (like your truck one) this is another driving gripe that is the same over here in the UK – the middle lane hogger! It’s worse over here though because you’re not allowed to pass on the inside, so if you’re in the slow lane, and there’s one of those middle lane guys going slowly in the middle lane, you can’t just keep going past him, technically you have to move over two lanes to go behind him and then pass him on the other side and then back across two lanes to where you started. You are allowed to pass on the inside if you’re in a stream of traffic and the whole stream of traffic in the slow lane is going faster than the stream in the middle or fast lane (I know it sounds confusing, and it kind of is but it makes sense when you’re used to it! I remember trying to explain this to my American ex husband years ago and he was like “Oh what and if it’s the second Tuesday of the month, and it’s a full moon, and your name begins with A!” Ha! He had a point).
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I think that may be the law here, too, but it’s not enforced as far as I know. I hang out in the right lane unless I’m passing, so I’m not about to go over 2 lanes for some dip-wad in the middle. That would mean a ticket in the UK, eh?
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For the record, I was going 60 because that’s what used to be 5 MPH over the speed limit. I was a rebel back then, just daring the man to pull me over and ticket me. I haven’t been able to force myself to do 70, it just seems, I don’t know, reckless. I really should be paying attention to the road instead of typing.
PS – If I knew that was my fellow blogger behind me, I would have waved to you as you passed me.
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It’s a good thing you didn’t meet my eyes. You would have been turned to a pillar of salt.
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You spoke for all of us, Peg! Thanks. And you reminded me of a story …
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Don’t leave us hanging here, Elyse!
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I started writing it up but had to leave. My parents and in laws met with a lane lagger story …
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Reblogged this on Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings and commented:
I’m over at the Nudge Wink Report today, complaining about highway driving. Again. Maybe I should just stay home.
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This is exactly why we need open carry laws.
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Seems reasonable.
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Very funny and to the point, however….it must be pointed out that…
1. This is a right hand drive car, so you aren’t even driving. How funny is that!
2. You are being chauffeured by the nice man in your car and you are the passenger.
3. OMG a blonde passenger to boot yelling out the car window! (no offense here, I’m blonde also who also loves yelling out car windows).
4. If you did this in LA, you’d be a random act of violence as someone would use you for target practice! DOA ready for a CSI LA script.
I love reading your blogs; promise you’ll never do this in LA.
Carry on and thank that nice man for putting up with you. 🙂
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Ha! I didn’t even notice that the photo was from a country “over there.” Apparently the middle-lane-camper is a world-wide phenomenon.
I’ve never been to LA, but I noticed this in San Francisco more than anywhere else I’ve been. Is it a California specialty?
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Moreover, the “specialty” in LA is road rage by hostile men (think angry O.J. types), who need to get laid. (A layman’s dx) Truly, it’s always men who are arrested for the high speed chases and the shoot um up bang bang freeway attacks here.
Al is definitely on point, but I can only imagine if everyone were packing heat in LA what the outcome would be…
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If he was in the left lane, you should be angry. Middle lane? That’s a gray area.
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Noooooo! The clue is, are people passing me on both sides? If so, move on over, bub.
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Do I sense a case of road rage with our Peg? Take some pills and relax, dear – it is YOUR blood pressure that is going up and beyond …
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You’re so right. The worst part is that the proper person to suffer is oblivious, while I’m tied up in knots.
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Brilliant as usual, Peg. Yes, it is so frustrating, especially in big cities. Many memories of thinking “oh shit!” when you realize you should have gone around the clown when you had 1.4 seconds to do so. One thing I don’t miss about living in Chicago is the horrible traffic caused by idiots. The end. 🙂
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If only idiots were barred from the roads, life would be so much easier, wouldn’t it, Miss Guitar?
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You must have been behind the ex. This is how he drives. When he’s not rolling oblivious through stop signs and never seeming to know what the speed limit is. Next time you see him you have my permission to give him the finger. *grin*
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I will be keeping my eye out for him from now on. I may not flip him the bird, but I’ll give him a really, really dirty look.
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In New Jersey it isn’t so much middle-lane hogging. It’s texting while driving. If mobile phones were designed to detonate when used while driving, nobody in New Jersey would have hands.
Fun fact: Islands in the Stream is written by Barry, Robin & Maurice Gibb–The Brothers Gibb.
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aka the BG’s
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I actually knew that fun fact. I asked for, and received, the 2 disc anthology of the Brothers Gibb for Christmas and have been enjoying it immensely. We remember their disco stuff, but forget they did all types of music.
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Don’t you wish you could cast a spell and turn their car into a turtle shell complete with 4 tiny little legs so that everyone would recognize them for what they are…. slow and steady.
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I don’t know Chevy doesn’t offer the Turtle option – makes sense to me.
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Although you can barely see any head sticking up higher than the driver’s seat, it’s bound to be either: a really ancient local wondering where all these people and cars came from or a tiny new immigrant wife who has been told by her husband to get in the middle lane, stay below the speed limit (no insurance and the driver’s license hasn’t arrived yet) and just let all those other people just go around you in the other lanes if they don’t like it…
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I really noticed this phenomenon the times I’ve been in San Francisco. I gotta say that most of the middle lane parkers there were young Asian drivers. I don’t know what that signifies.
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I live in Maine where we only have 3 lane highways below Portland, so I am able to avoid this frustration for the most part. What I do live with every day is a two way route where people routinely drive at least 5 miles below the speed limit and no opportunity to pass anyone at any time. This causes me to break my resolution to abstain from swearing while driving, every single day. Which is obviously not my fault, but the fault of the #@%#%& driver in front of me!
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Oh, me too. I try to be genteel and ladylike at all times, but when I’m behind the wheel, it’s as if I’m possessed by the spirit of a longshoreman.
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UGH!!!! i HATE middle lane hoggers! They are the worst! *hides under her sheets because she too is a middle lane hogger… 🙂
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NOOOOOOO! Not you! You couldn’t be so despicable. (shakes head in disbelief and sorrow.)
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Please don’t hate me for being a middlerer!! xoxo
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Love this. Plan to reblog it.
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Thanks.
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Back when I was seeing a guy in college, his dad thought that if he never drove over 35 mph, the car would last much longer. He would drive on the 2 lane interstate going 35 mph. He would get pulled over often. The scary thing is, he was a school teacher (English, I think).
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Yikes! The car would last even longer if he never took it out of the garage.
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Over in the Uk it’s the middle-lane driver is the road-hog but we have a different system
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Must admit when I was in Ireland I had a hard time making myself hang-out in the left lane, the few times we were on roads that actually HAD more than 2 lanes total.
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Yeah thankfully I never have to deal with this because most roads I travel here are more like old logging backwoods roads. I swear I should invest in a horse and buggy. But a long time ago I lived near Seattle and they had like 8 lane freeways. And I was always in the middle white-knuckling the whole way.
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Ah, the fear factor. I guess that’s another reason for hogging the middle lane that I hadn’t considered – that would be understandable. Still contemptible, but understandable.
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I have to admit, I’m a middle-lane person, but at least go the speed limit. I don’t like the ins and outs of the exit lane but don’t like the fast lane. I agree, however, there’s nothing worse than being stuck behind a slow person on a multi-lane highway.
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I hate that you can’t just flip people off anymore without them calling 911 and the police chasing you down and pulling you over for making threatening gestures at other drivers….not that I ever did that or anything. I just hate that you can’t anymore. I could do it if I still lived in the Northeast, but the west coast is so sensitive and touchy about these things.
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Reblogged this on that little voice and commented:
pegoleg at Nudge Wink Report is always a treat to read, so I’m sharing another of her posts. This one ties into the post I wrote last week about conversations we have with other drivers in the privacy of our own vehicles. Check out her blog…such a hoot.
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This was refreshing. Just to know you aren’t alone in the ‘evil thoughts’ department, is a boost to self appreciation. I’d begun to consider counseling. Now, I’ll not give it another thought, secure in the knowledge that I’m not alone out there in the middle lane of life.
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