Posted in 1 Point Perspective, fiction, Humor

Luck of the Draw

We were sitting around the conference table down at the NWR office a few months back. Tommy was picking through a carton of Chinese take-out from the joint downstairs, frowning at the lack of recognizable proteins. I had my hand-out and pen in front of me, trying to look businesslike, despite the fact that the page was covered in doodles of dragsters and robots.

Down at the other end of the table past F-Borne and Molly, our two big-deal free agent acquisitions were holding court; Peg tried to pretend that she couldn’t recall exactly how many times she’d been Freshly Pressed. Darla stated that she was Freshly Pegged once, and that was a bigger accomplishment in her eyes.  They took turns complimenting each other and lamenting about dud posts they’d written which had less than 1000 hits.

I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to the boss-lady, Blogdramedy.  She was alternately shuffling papers and consulting her tablet.  As usual, she was dressed to the nines.  There is a fine line between business formal and dominatrix, and BD straddled it like a champ.  She’d flash an icy stare from across the table and you couldn’t be sure if she was going to transfer you to the Des Moines office or get out the cat o’ nine tails.

In truth, we only had one office and we were sitting in it.  If she owned any sort of whips, I sure as hell didn’t know about them.  Still, she’s gorgeous and more than a little intimidating.  I’m certainly not the first guy to daydream in business meetings, forgive me if my mind wanders down some of the darker avenues.

Illustration by the author from an earlier bit of fiction, showing BD's Dirty Mohican, straight up and ice cold.
Illustration by the author from an earlier bit of fiction, showing BD’s Dirty Mohican.  It’s straight up and ice cold, with extra capers – just the way she demands it.

Just then BD tossed her papers aside and looked up at us.  Everyone sat up a little taller and gave her their attention.  She welcomed us all and made another special acknowledgment to Peg and Darla even though we had already officially welcomed them with a big buffet and cocktail hour down at the VFW months earlier.  I caught Tommy T. grimacing.  He and I had spent that reception drinking too much and whining about how the two superstars arriving had actually moved each of us even further down in the pecking order.

Please take note of your handouts, the schedule for the next few months is on it.  If there are conflicts you people need to work them out in advance.  This isn’t a freaking daycare, people.  You’re bloggers and as such, you’re expected to blog when you’re given the opportunity.”

BD put a spin on her demands to make it seem like she was doing us a favor.  She could sell sand in the Sahara.  That analogy might have been problematic, as I briefly envisioned her dressed up like Barbra Eden and living in a bottle.  I was jerked back to earth when she spoke again.

I looked down at the schedule to find my name amidst the laser beam-eyed robots and nitro-burning funny car doodles.  I noticed Oma’s name.  He was the original superstar of the team, but lately he was on thin ice, both figuratively and literally.  He’d shown a blatant disregard for his duties, routinely blowing off deadlines and seldom attending meetings.  His seat to BD’s right was empty yet again.  The last we’d heard from him, he was training sled dogs in preparation for the Iditarod.

I found my name next to 10/3/2015, then 11/14/2015…okay, no big deal.  Then I saw it: 12/26/2015.  December-freaking-26th!? The day after Christmas?!  Me?!? Seriously?!!  I looked up in disbelief to meet BD’s cool gaze.

You know Dave, that’s a prime assignment.  I’m sure you’re the envy of even our most accomplished bloggers getting the post-Christmas spot.”

Darla and Peg, as if on cue, smiled politely and nodded from their end of the conference room.  I was fairly sure they were kicking each other under the table and trying not to laugh.  BD held her icy stare as if daring me to complain.  Tommy T. sniffed cautiously at his carton General Tso’s Szechuan Tabby and did not look up.

Oh yeah, I know Ms. Dramedy, this is great” I stammered, trying to sound enthused.  “I’ll get working on it right away.

Don’t get started too early, Dave” she dead-panned, “You still have your October and November pieces to write.” As if I didn’t know how a calendar worked!  I felt my cheeks getting redder.

After a few housekeeping announcements, the meeting broke up.  Darla came over and pinched my arm.  She congratulated me for having snagged the day after Christmas.  “Enjoy your holidays, Dave” she chirped as she turned and walked over to a beaming BD.

I turned to Tommy for support.  He’d just given up on the last of his lunch and stuck the chop sticks in it with the flourish of a toreador stabbing a bleeding bull in the ass.

Tough break, man” he said.  “Guess this’ll put a little damper on your plans for this year’s office holiday party.”

I’d forgotten that the annual holiday party was scheduled for the evening of December 26th.  Office speculation was that BD had been able to save a few bucks by waiting to rent the back bar at the bowling alley until after Christmas.

I was going to ask Mu Ping from the restaurant downstairs to be my date to the party.  She’s kind of cute and her one crossed eye was almost unnoticeable unless she took her thick glasses off.  I had some schoolboy notion that seeing me with Mu on my arm would spark some sort of jealousy in BD.  Now the whole evening would be over-shadowed by the success or failure of my post earlier that day.

Mu can go on blissfully unaware of my plans.  She’ll likely to be working the register tonight, keeping an eye on the bottom line.

I had to come up with an incredible post if I was going to have any chance of getting BD anywhere near the mistletoe which was traditionally hung near the rental lockers at the alley.

This bears a striking resemblance to every handout I've ever received at a meeting. Aaargh! Robots!!!
This bears a striking resemblance to every handout I’ve ever received at a meeting. Aaargh! Robots!!!
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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

29 thoughts on “Luck of the Draw

  1. Reblogged this on 1pointperspective and commented:

    Here’s my latest submission over at The Nudge Wink Report. It’s more of that inspired fiction which comes from having nothing better to write about and having to just make crap up. In this piece, I’m single and have a crush on my boss. There are bowling alley and dominatrix references in it, so don’t think it’s all mistletoe and candy canes.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dave. This is an inspired piece of writing. As your muse, I can tell you that your memo requesting a pay raise has moved from the bottom of the pile on my desk to the middle.

    Well done. [when will someone invent a sarcasm font? When, people. WHEN!]

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Reblogged this on Upside of Sideways and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, Dave brings all the brilliance and insight of a middle-aged man who still got all his sexy bits to a written masterpiece of inspiring, yet down-to-earth, wordology of epic greatness. (Is this what you wanted me to write, Dave? Can I go back to bed now?) Head over to NWR, read, and comment. You’ll be glad you did. Pinky swear. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Darling, you deserve an award maybe a trophy of some kind for that brilliant piece of…..trophy for that brilliant piece of….trophy of some kind. I’d like elbow Mu Ping in the ribs for the honour of attending said award slash trophy shin-dig, I have a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress on….and promise to hose off my barn boots. Don’t even think of rolling your eyes and asking that hussy BD or DB what-ever-her-name-is as Mu Mu’s (think cow sound) stand-in. It’s a date then…?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Being a newcomer, I have to say I was oblivious to the undertones of that office meeting. You have opened my eyes to some of the ‘politics’ going on at NWR. I can say I’m truly happy to have the 2nd Wednesday of the month assignment, since that means no deadlines during prime party times. The only sad notes are that I didn’t get an invitation to the 12/26/15 office holiday party (must have gotten lost in the mail) and I can never be freshly pressed since I self-host my blog. I’m sure that’s the only reason why it hasn’t happened…….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was Freshly Pressed once, a long, long time ago on my personal blog. I was also Freshly Pegged, and it still gives me chills to think of it. As for the office politics, you can gain further insight by going back and reading Chapters 1, 2 and 3 of my posts from way back when. Wait’ll you get a load of what was going in; things are downright calm these days. As for the party, my wife read my post earlier today and she won’t let me go. Not to sound like sour grapes, but it’s a bowling alley…so…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t remember any of the NW office Christmas party, but I woke up this morning in a bus station in Cleveland. I was wearing a tutu, had a shaved head and a tattoo of Kermit the frog on my left buttock.

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Typing up the fake minutes took more effort than the doodling. Any hand-out is fair game. Depending upon the nature of the meeting and the demographics of my neighbors in the board room, topics can include robots, dragsters, naked women, cubes in space, dirty word games, and anatomical studies of the hand.

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  7. In my opinion you are the only 1(pointperspective) that could have pulled off an acceptable Boxing Day (day after Christmas in American speak) post. Job well done. Also, just my opinion, I think your wife helped you dodge a bullet there. Things could have gotten quite messy with BD and JotsFromASmallApt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d never considered the potential of my doodles before. I owe it to humanity to go back and revisit some of my previous work. I’ll start with the floating box and the eyeball of doom, and work my way forward to the robot and dragsters. Thanks for the encouragement. I’m really looking forward to my next mandatory meeting.

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  8. She’s always been nice to me because I’ll clean the floor at no extra charge. The toilets are another matter You guys shoot hoops without a problem, but I’m telling you—rim shots don’t work well in the bathroom.

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