I know I’m a little early.
But I have so much stuff to work on! Might as well get a jump on my inevitable failures, right?
[jumps up and down on the couch and raises fists à la Tom Cruise on Oprah]
BRING IT ON, 2016! YAHOOOOOO!
[groans] I think I just threw my back out again.
[gasps] Dammit, and now there’s a crushing pain in my chest. Could be angina. Or that last taco I had for breakfast.
[burps] Oh dear god. Either way, I’d better hurry up and start breaking my resolutions.
MY 2016 RESOLUTIONS:
- Eat happily.
- Exercise angrily. (I think I have a good shot at this one.)
- Open up new restaurant called McBloaty’s that only serves extra large sacks of pure gluten.
- Determine precisely what it would take to stop Adele.
- Figure out what’s really inside of Donald Trump’s head. Vast empty space? Gummy bears? A dusty tape recorder playing an endless loop of “I’m a Little Teapot”? My best guess: Have you ever seen what’s inside a golf ball?
- Submit my 9-year-old’s daughter’s new word to Oxford Dictionary:
craydiotic (adjective) — of, relating to, or characteristic of a crazy idiot. Ex. most politicians
- Every morning, look at myself in the bathroom mirror and repeat the phrase, “If Trump’s President, it will all be okay. I’ll just move to Mars with Matt Damon.”
- Create my own version of an Advent calendar for the month of January, but replace the chocolates with tiny shot glasses of Jack Daniel’s.
- End every political conversation with, “Oh yeah? Well, what if told you I don’t give a shit WHAT you think?” then make intense eye contact and back slowly out of the room. (This is my resolution every year and it always works.)
- Create a new social media site devoted only to heated political commentary and call it Assbook.
- Put about 200 campaign signs for “DEEZ NUTS!” on my neighbor’s front lawn.
- Tell everyone I have a long-lost identical twin named Carla who happens to be lazy, slightly tipsy, super bitchy, and speaks in a really bad English accent. What? It worked for Jack Tripper.
- Binge watch Game of Thrones, then tell everyone I thought it was just “eh”.
- Prove my theory that theories are just theories.
- Become a famous YouTube star by posting videos of myself dramatically opening up various prescription bottles. “Ooh! Get ready, kids! What will I take today? Acid reflux meds or laxative?”
- Finally write that screenplay titled “Screenplay” about a woman who thinks she could write an award-winning screenplay if only she could stop making stupid resolutions.
- Continue being awesome.
So, what about you? Do you have any resolutions you know you’ll break before Groundhog Day?