Posted in Attitudes, Humor, She's A Maineiac

My New Year’s Resolutions

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I know I’m a little early.

But I have so much stuff to work on! Might as well get a jump on my inevitable failures, right?

[jumps up and down on the couch and raises fists à la Tom Cruise on Oprah]

BRING IT ON, 2016! YAHOOOOOO!

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[groans] I think I just threw my back out again.

[gasps] Dammit, and now there’s a crushing pain in my chest. Could be angina. Or that last taco I had for breakfast.

[burps] Oh dear god. Either way, I’d better hurry up and start breaking my resolutions.

MY 2016 RESOLUTIONS:

  • Eat happily.
  • Exercise angrily. (I think I have a good shot at this one.)
  • Open up new restaurant called McBloaty’s that only serves extra large sacks of pure gluten.
  • Determine precisely what it would take to stop Adele.
  • Figure out what’s really inside of Donald Trump’s head. Vast empty space? Gummy bears? A dusty tape recorder playing an endless loop of “I’m a Little Teapot”? My best guess: Have you ever seen what’s inside a golf ball?
It ain’t pretty.
  • Submit my 9-year-old’s daughter’s new word to Oxford Dictionary:
    craydiotic (adjective) — of, relating to, or characteristic of a crazy idiot.  Ex. most politicians
  • Every morning, look at myself in the bathroom mirror and repeat the phrase, “If Trump’s President, it will all be okay. I’ll just move to Mars with Matt Damon.”
  • Create my own version of an Advent calendar for the month of January, but replace the chocolates with tiny shot glasses of Jack Daniel’s.
Smooooooth!
Smooooooth!
  • End every political conversation with, “Oh yeah? Well, what if told you I don’t give a shit WHAT you think?” then make intense eye contact and back slowly out of the room. (This is my resolution every year and it always works.)
  • Create a new social media site devoted only to heated political commentary and call it Assbook.
  • Put about 200 campaign signs for “DEEZ NUTS!” on my neighbor’s front lawn.
  • Tell everyone I have a long-lost identical twin named Carla who happens to be lazy, slightly tipsy, super bitchy, and speaks in a really bad English accent. What? It worked for Jack Tripper.
3647211fdeba4bb6d299fd4d7ca5195c
For you young’uns out there, Jack pretended he had a twin named Austin from Texas in another rare episode of misunderstanding on Three’s Company.
  • Binge watch Game of Thrones, then tell everyone I thought it was just “eh”.
  • Prove my theory that theories are just theories.
  • Become a famous YouTube star by posting videos of myself dramatically opening up various prescription bottles. “Ooh! Get ready, kids! What will I take today? Acid reflux meds or laxative?”
For you old farts out there, YouTube actually features videos of people opening up toys, generating millions of views and millions of dollars. Their parents must be so proud. Note to self: Tell son to start a new YouTube channel.
  • Finally write that screenplay titled “Screenplay” about a woman who thinks she could write an award-winning screenplay if only she could stop making stupid resolutions.
  • Continue being awesome.

So, what about you? Do you have any resolutions you know you’ll break before Groundhog Day?

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Author:

Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

35 thoughts on “My New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Reblogged this on She's a Maineiac and commented:

    You say you want a resolution?
    Well, Holy Giant Ball Drop! It’s almost time to kiss another year goodbye. And I am over at The Nudge Wink Report yet again. Where the hell does the time go?

    Straight to my ass and thighs as usual.

    But next year will be different. Because it’s resolution time, baby! If I write this stuff down, I’ll actually do it, right?

    Nah.

    But maybe, just maybe if I try hard enough, Adele will go away.

    Stop on over and see what else I plan to fail at next year.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You make me feel loved Peg and Darla, but it was a joke….you know…get a life besides spending so much time on WP… blogger.com…never mind…new resolution… work on my weak humor attempts so I’m not the only one who understands them.

        Love you guys! Would never, ever leave you!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s official after this post. You show how awesome you are at conflict “resolution” and are now in charge of the NWR Christmas/Holiday/PickAHolidayThatWorksForYou office staff party. You supply the fun, we’ll supply the booze and all the nuts you could ever need. *grin*

    Like

  3. Saying that you want to stop Adele may cause an angry mob of Adele fans to chase you, causing you to exercise…….however in the end Adele cannot be stopped. The Adele feeds off your hate and only grows stronger. Good luck with the rest of the stuff!

    Like

    1. This is my exercise plan: to run from Adele.
      And I don’t really hate her, she’s very nice and beautiful and lovely. I just am not a fan of her songs. My daughter worships her however, so I try to tolerate her in small doses. But she’s pretty much everywhere so it’s hard.

      Like

  4. These are the most wonderfully awesome resolutions ever. And that Advent calendar idea? You would make millions. Seriously.

    I just downloaded Adele’s newest because I wanted to be relevant with the younger generation. Now I learn about the whole opening presents on Youtube gig and realize that hipness will never be mine. Yet another life fail.

    Happy, happy Christmas Miss Darlypants!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sitting over at my place obsessively clicking on my stats. Over 6000 hits this weekend on that old Bunny Bixler post, same one I got 15,000 hits on last March. Somebody on Facebook with a lot of friends posted a link, but I still don’t know who or why. It’s driving me crazy!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You laugh but McDonalds started serving egg McMuffins for dinner and their net worth skyrocketed. Can Taco Bell tacos for breakfast be far behind? What a country.

    You could no more stop Adele than you could Taylor Swift. Why resist? Walk into the light. One of us. One of us. One of us.

    Assbook already exists, I’m afraid.

    I knew all about packaging-opening videos. The Internet’s version of the yule log.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is how slow I am, I clicked on your link and went, huh? Then slowly nodded my head and said, “OH! I GET IT NOW! YES!!” I guess my sarcasm detector wasn’t fully turned on yet this Sunday morning. And thanks for the yule log, I needed some quiet reflection to get the bad taste of Fox News out of my mouth.

      Like

  6. I love all of your resolutions. I’m too old to know about the YouTube toy opening videos, but would definitely subscribe to your channel highlighting prescription meds. This year my failed list of resolutions will include making improvements from the inside out. I plan to rebalance my intestinal flora by eating Activia every day.

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  7. I resolve to leave my own funnier-than-hell comments on your blog posts, Darla, before reading everybody else’s and learning that they said what I wanted to say. Funnier. They said it funnier.

    Sadly, that ditto mark up there? That’s all I can say now.

    Liked by 2 people

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