I know I’m a little early.

But I have so much stuff to work on! Might as well get a jump on my inevitable failures, right?

[jumps up and down on the couch and raises fists à la Tom Cruise on Oprah]



[groans] I think I just threw my back out again.

[gasps] Dammit, and now there’s a crushing pain in my chest. Could be angina. Or that last taco I had for breakfast.

[burps] Oh dear god. Either way, I’d better hurry up and start breaking my resolutions.


  • Eat happily.
  • Exercise angrily. (I think I have a good shot at this one.)
  • Open up new restaurant called McBloaty’s that only serves extra large sacks of pure gluten.
  • Determine precisely what it would take to stop Adele.
  • Figure out what’s really inside of Donald Trump’s head. Vast empty space? Gummy bears? A dusty tape recorder playing an endless loop of “I’m a Little Teapot”? My best guess: Have you ever seen what’s inside a golf ball?

It ain’t pretty.

  • Submit my 9-year-old’s daughter’s new word to Oxford Dictionary:
    craydiotic (adjective) — of, relating to, or characteristic of a crazy idiot.  Ex. most politicians
  • Every morning, look at myself in the bathroom mirror and repeat the phrase, “If Trump’s President, it will all be okay. I’ll just move to Mars with Matt Damon.”
  • Create my own version of an Advent calendar for the month of January, but replace the chocolates with tiny shot glasses of Jack Daniel’s.


  • End every political conversation with, “Oh yeah? Well, what if told you I don’t give a shit WHAT you think?” then make intense eye contact and back slowly out of the room. (This is my resolution every year and it always works.)
  • Create a new social media site devoted only to heated political commentary and call it Assbook.
  • Put about 200 campaign signs for “DEEZ NUTS!” on my neighbor’s front lawn.
  • Tell everyone I have a long-lost identical twin named Carla who happens to be lazy, slightly tipsy, super bitchy, and speaks in a really bad English accent. What? It worked for Jack Tripper.

For you young’uns out there, Jack pretended he had a twin named Austin from Texas in another rare episode of misunderstanding on Three’s Company.

  • Binge watch Game of Thrones, then tell everyone I thought it was just “eh”.
  • Prove my theory that theories are just theories.
  • Become a famous YouTube star by posting videos of myself dramatically opening up various prescription bottles. “Ooh! Get ready, kids! What will I take today? Acid reflux meds or laxative?”

For you old farts out there, YouTube actually features videos of people opening up toys, generating millions of views and millions of dollars. Their parents must be so proud. Note to self: Tell son to start a new YouTube channel.

  • Finally write that screenplay titled “Screenplay” about a woman who thinks she could write an award-winning screenplay if only she could stop making stupid resolutions.
  • Continue being awesome.

So, what about you? Do you have any resolutions you know you’ll break before Groundhog Day?