Posted in Humor, Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

Tell Those Extra Pounds To SCAT!

sirisaacundertheappletree

I’ve spent half my life looking for an effective diet plan that doesn’t require any real willpower, and now the search is over. Introducing…the SCAT plan!

Inspiration came to me just as it did to Sir Isaac Newton: an apple fell on my head. OK, it wasn’t exactly an apple; it was a can of Glade Apple Pie Air Freshener. But that still qualifies as falling-fruit-induced-brilliance in my book.

I was in the air freshener aisle at the Dollar General looking for something to handle the odor situation in the office bathrooms.   Those can be total stink-bomb zones, as anyone who works in an office knows. Looking through the vast assortment of air fresheners it occurred to me that we humans commit an awful lot of shelf space and money to products designed to mask how stinky we are.   None of these products truly eliminates the bad smell, however. It just morphs into a new smell that combines the stinky and the sublime into something even more objectionable. Put a Wild Rose plug-in in a gym locker and you create Bouquet of Sweat. Spray Fresh Linen in the urinals and you have Crisp Laundry Sprinkled With Stale Urine.  These combinations just taint the nice smells.

At about the same time the can struck me on the head, so did the realization that we could use such disgusting combined scents as a diet aid. The idea for SCAT developed right along with a big goose-egg and a massive headache.

SCAT stands for SCent Aversion Therapy.  A dieter selects an air freshener that mimics the scent of a favorite diet-busting food.  When confronted with an obnoxious smell (ie 13-year-old boy sneakers, a port-a-potty) the dieter merely sprays their downfall scent into the stink-laden air and breathes deeply.   After just a few times, the brain will come to associate the yummy smell with the noxious.  Next time the dieter smells that former binge-inducing food, she won’t want any part of it.

Spray the office bathroom with a SCAT Mister in Apple Pie right after Bernie from Accounting has completed his morning constitutional, and the resultant smell will be Apple Pie a la Poop. It won’t take long for that scent combo to taint your enjoyment of apple pie forever. Whenever you are tempted to dig into a nice, warm slice of pie, the scent will trigger your memory of Bernie and Apple Pie a la Poop, you will feel slightly nauseated, push away from the pie and, ipso, facto, ergo, you will lose weight.

SCAT Misters are available in various pie scents, pizza, brownies, barbecue and a bevy of other fattening food triggers.

With SCAT in hand, the deadly combo of devil’s food and doo-doo will drive your diet-busting desires away!

Call now – operators at PegCo are standing by to take your orders.*

*PegCo is a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries.  PegCo is not responsible for any bad stuff that may happen to anyone at any time for any reason.   At PegCo, our motto is:  Buy it…because we need your money.

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Author:

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!

39 thoughts on “Tell Those Extra Pounds To SCAT!

    1. Now let’s talk chocolate fudge. Have you ever been in the process of making some and discovered some old potatoes in the pantry, so rotten they were liquefying? Ever smelled that awful, brown juice? I think we are making real progress here.

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  1. This is brilliant! Our coffee pot at work is near the bathroom, and I’ve been having waves of nausea when I smell coffee and didn’t know why. Unfortunately I’ve pushed through and continued to drink it to avoid caffeine withdrawal. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m not a candidate for this super pooper weight loss technique.

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  2. Very balanced reporting, Peg. You weighted your options carefully and, pound for pound, you earned a ton of admiration from our readers for this post.

    PS — thanks for making the NWR offices smell so fresh. So clean. So fragrance-free…makes it almost fun to be working on a Saturday. *grin*

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  3. Is there an antidote to this method? My body seem to have already developed aversion to the smell of most healthy foods, and if the same happens to the unhealthy foods, I’ll be facing starvation.

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  4. I’m working on mixing fake pine cone odor with peppermint that can be used for Christmas decorations…it will hopefully alleviate the need to put up a tree, cover the mantle with holly, and keep Christmas letters from appearing in my mailbox.

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  5. Did you have to pick apple pie for your case-in-point? It’s one of my favs. Please edit this post appropriately.

    If you’ve read Anthony Burgess’ ‘A Clockwork Orange’ or saw the movie, you know that a similar aversion therapy was used on our poor her, Alex. All it did was ruin Beethoven for him. Be careful when you play with science.

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  6. Our office freshener is apple scented. I think you might be on to something. It is a real problem. Especially when one forgets to put the ‘fan’ on. So when you get in, oh gosh, it just makes you want to vomit. I think that’s why I’ve been avoiding apple pies…

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  7. OK. Now you’re going to increase my paranoia. Before accepting any job, I check out the bathroom. There were a couple of jobs that I turned down because there was the one half-bath in the middle of the office, always right next to the kitchen.

    Perhaps I can offer research assistance for your product, Peg.

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  8. Dollar General sells cylindrical super odor eliminator orange that lasts for a long time and is guaranteed to clean out your sinuses. 🙂

    There is always one person in the office who has an inner poop clock that strikes around 10 am that no amount of air freshener can mask.

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