Well, gobble-gobble and Holy Carcass-Stuffing!
Thanksgiving is almost here once again!
Time to slap on some roomy sweatpants, mosey on over to the dinner table, grab the nearest shovel,
and find out if you are thankful enough!*
What is Thanksgiving?
A) Thanksgiving is a tradition that began when Pilgrims sat down to break bread with Native Americans.
B) Thanksgiving is a tradition that always falls on the fourth Thursday in November.
C) Thanksgiving is a tradition of gathering all those people you tried like hell to avoid the rest of the year.
D) Thanksgiving is a tradition that involves large groups of bloviating idiots getting together to methodically tear each other’s egos to shreds. (Oops! Sorry, that was the last few presidential debates, my bad.)
ANSWER: C and D. Mostly D.
On Thanksgiving, people like to:
A) Eat turkey.
B) Watch the Macy’s parade on television.
C) Spend time with family.
D) Casually inform Aunt Ethel at the dinner table that Uncle Earl was spotted last night slipping a fiver into a stripper’s G-string.
ANSWER: D. Sorry, Aunt Ethel. After you’re done crying, please pass the gravy.
A) A vegetarian turkey replacement.
B) Made of organic tofu and wheat protein.
D) Served with a Rich “Giblet” gravy, a special blend of herbs, spices, and finely-ground arrogant yoga instructors.
ANSWER: D. Mm-mmm! Yoga instructor tastes just like chicken!
After granting a turkey a pardon, former President George W. Bush was overheard saying:
A) Well, golly gee willikers. That sure was entertaining.
B) Be well, Mr. Turkey. I love you.
C) Well, heh heh heh…at least let me buy you dinner first.
D) Okay, are we done? We good? Camera’s off? Time to slice this bitch up! I call drumstick!
E) All of the above.
Before dinner, people spend time:
A) Watching football.
B) Filling up on appetizers.
C) Visiting with relatives.
D) Placing bets on how many turkey sandwiches it would take to get Matt Lauer and Al Roker to shut their pie holes.
ANSWER: Always D at my house.
TRUE OR FALSE
A spooked turkey can burst into flight approaching speeds between 50-55 mph in a matter of seconds.
TRUE. Last week I was driving my tiny Prius down a country road when I came upon a gobble of about a dozen wild turkeys attempting to cross the road. As I approached, the turkeys suddenly launched into flight, several of them soaring across the hood of my car while the rest continued flying down the road. Sadly, I was unable to catch up to them long enough to snap a photo for Instagram. New Toyota slogan: Prius — Even Turkeys Are Faster.
Thomas Jefferson thought celebrating Thanksgiving was, “the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard.”
TRUE. He also went on to state that Ben Franklin “liked to wear nappies and cry for his mama” and John Hancock was “the world’s biggest jackhole.” Thomas Jefferson was then asked to kindly put down the wine bottle and put on some clothes because he was scaring the children attending the White House egg roll.
So, how’d you do? Yeah, that’s what I thought. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Enjoy the can-shaped cranberry sauce!
*According to my mom, you will never be thankful enough.