happy_halloween_2015Halloween is one of those holidays I just don’t understand. Oh, hell. Let’s be honest. I don’t understand any of them. If I had my way there would be five holidays per month and all of them would be called Because I Said So and we’d celebrate by burning our bosses in effigy.

We don’t live in that dream world, though. Halloween exists. We have to deal with it.

I will say this: Halloween is the only holiday that impresses me with the amount of creativity involved. Some of you really have a flair for this sort of thing. It certainly requires a lot more brains than lighting a small bomb and blowing away a piece of your hand while celebrating the birth of our country or shooting guns in the air to celebrate an arbitrary date on a calendar.

I like to be creative, too, so I decided to try my hand at some costume ideas. For those on a budget with a keen eye, you’ll notice that I have a penchant for simplicity and low cost solutions. Enjoy.

To make this a fun community activity, smash a pumpkin in the comments section below and share your costume creativity, too.

halloween-batThe Justin Bieber

Description: Take out your penis.

And now you begin to see the way this article is going to go. I’m nothing if not a sophisticate.

The Miley Cyrus

Description: Fellate a male blow-up doll with its Justin Bieber out. Advanced: Do it on stage.

The Jared Fogel

Description: Find an enormous pair of pants and proudly hold them out for all to see. Advanced: Don’t accept Subway™ footlongs from strangers.

halloween-0017The Chef Gordon Ramsay

Description: Carry a bowl of mashed potatoes. Bland!!! Advanced: Risotto and John Dory.

The Student Of The Year

Description: Fill a small suitcase with electronics you have disassembled. Advanced: Add a White House visitor badge.

The Tracy Morgan

Description: Wear a pair of driving gloves and a Walmart “How may I help you?” vest.

The Democratic Party (Group Costume)

Description: White guy, white guy, white woman, white guy, old white guy.

halloween2015The Dinosaur Trainer

Description: Wear an outfit from Banana Republic, add a leather vest, and carry a clicker.

The Lion King

Description: Carry a crossbow and dress like Walter Palmer DDS. Advanced: Blood foaming from mouth.

The Pizza Rat

Description: Dangle a piece of pizza held firmly in the teeth while wearing a Donald Trump hairpiece. Advanced: New York style.

The Benghazi

Description: A sticker that says “Hello my name is Ben” with gauze wrapped around body. Advanced: Say, “Eeee.”

Cat--3The Han Solo

Description: Crutches, Depends™, jar of Gerber™, and ankle cast.

The George Zimmerman

Description: Confederate flag, broken iPad, crucifix necklace, cigar chewed down to the nubbin’, Twitter account, and cheaply-made sub-compact handgun. Advanced: Art supplies.

The Martin Luther King (Selma Edition)

Description: You won’t be receiving the Oscar. Might as well stay in tonight.

All images sourced from openclipart.org.