metaThis post is going to be meta. It’s going to be about process over form. You can go function yourself.

I realized it was my turn to write something. Again. What is this? A wheel in a gerbil cage? I sure hope I’m generating electricity for someone.

My post ideas were as scarce as the GOP enthusiastically supporting Obama’s initiatives and giving Hillary a thumbs up on Benghazi.

Hmm. What to write about? What’s been in the news lately? Guns? George Zimmerman? Jared Fogel? Ferguson? Amy Schumer’s orgasms? How we all survived yet another “end of days” with the blood super moon? (Thus earning participant ribbons.) Oprah buying Weight Watchers? Drake’s dance moves?! The TPP?

NO!!! I cannot do it.

In desperation I turned to the internet and searched for “blog prompts.” I resolved to challenge myself by picking the first thing that caught my eye and sticking with it. No. Matter. What. What do I care? Only the reader has to pay for it. Mwuahaha.

The first thing I saw was Pinterest. Oh, shit. This is gonna be bad.

It was a guide to writing “remarkable” blog posts. I’ve always wanted to try that. Maybe this will work out.

brandOops. It has a focus on how to build one’s “brand.” Oh, yes. It’s one of those types of posts.

Undaunted, I pressed on.

Nope, I thought to myself as I read the first item on their list. I’m definitely not gonna do that.

Things were decidedly off to a good start.

By the way, was one of the tips to toss in the word “decidedly” at least once per post? Nope. I knew right away I was not getting the best advice.

Be responsive? No. I don’t got time for that.

Be kind? Sorry. I just split a gut. Are you trying to kill me?

Be helpful? Can we at least agree to keep this confined to a little place I like to call reality?

Have an attractive and distinctive “voice?” Now you’re just a cat playing with a helpless mouse. C’mon! I got no chance here!

Put your blog post in a Mason jar and make it into a delightful scented candle and/or bar of soap and/or tiramisu? Now we’re getting somewhere. I was wise to consult Pinterest.

Assuming I could somehow pull off the unthinkable, what would be the rewards? A “terrific blog” with a “loyal audience.” Wow. I’m really barking up the wrong tree. Who wants that stuff?

adviceInstead, I decided to write all of the crap above in an attempt to distract the reader. Hopefully they wouldn’t notice that I wasn’t saying anything. Additionally, I came up with with a few pointers of my own along the way.

  • Use the word “decidedly.”
  • Don’t be afraid to repeat content. (See above.)
  • Use a lot of one-sentence paragraphs.
  • Clear your throat before using your voice.
  • Perform your post on The Voice.
  • Cross-market your audience to B2B biz.
  • Target your audience.
  • Proofreading is for idiots.
  • Brand yourself. Preferably on Vine.
  • Have a word count.
  • Add value to something.
  • Aim for a reading grade level.
  • Informations and contents.
  • Don’t always use verbs.
  • Watch out for grammar and punctuation.
  • If there are no squiggly red underlines assume everything is okay.
  • Make sure affiliate links are affiliated.
  • Enlarge to show detail.
  • Avoid bulleted lists like the plague. (Personally, I like the plague.) If you do use a list, keep it short.
  • Never use words like “I” and “me.”
  • Kill yourself if you find a double space.
  • Never apologize.

Feel free to use these tips yourself. I must insist on self-promotion reciprocity, though, or I’ll switch from my passive voice to my aggressive voice. I promise: You would not like that.

I know this post sucks and for that I apologize. But look on the bright side. At least writing this was easier than asking Blogdramedy for a week off.