Posted in Humor, Shallow Reflections

Pizzapie-agra for Women: A Closer Look

The other night Patrick suggested we have pizza, and I wasn’t in the mood for it. I decided to go along with him, and once I smelled it cooking and the steamy pie was before me, I dove in and thoroughly enjoyed it.

In America we LOVE pizza. Every corner store is selling it and frankly, it’s not the quality of the pizza that really matters; it’s the quantity and the desire for it that is important.

I began to worry that my lack of spontaneous desire for pizza was abnormal. Then I heard about Pizzapie-agra for women, and realized I was not alone.

Hypoactive Pizza Desire Disorder (HPDD) is real, and the Pizza Pie Administration (PPA) finally released a pill to treat it after two failed attempts.

Introducing:

Pfepanserin (brand name Pizzapie-agra):

  • The F is silent and represents all Females except those who testified in front of the PPA about suffering from this debilitating, untreatable condition.
  • P(f)ep is for pepperoni.
  • Anserin,”Yes, I want a pepperoni pizza. “

The American Pizziatric Association (APA) has some boring research demonstrating that some people (mostly men) have a spontaneous desire for pizza. And some people (mostly women) desire pizza in response to reading the menu, and lighting a pizza scented candle.

Thank goodness the PPA didn’t invite the APA to the “All You Can Eat Pizza Buffet.” Those nerdy party poopers could have changed the 18-6 decision to release the drug into a 24-0 vote against it.

And we women would be left to grapple with the fact that our dysfunction is actually a variation of normal, with no chemical to make us more like men.

Now that Pfepanserin is available on the formulary, I decided to get some. Unfortunately, I don’t qualify even though studies show my age group would benefit. It is only approved for women who are pre-pizzapausal.

At first I felt bad about my exclusion, but then I heard about the drug’s limitations and side effects. With the promise of only 1/2 to 1 additional satisfying pizza experiences per month, is Pfepanserin worth its copay?

Have you ever eaten only 1/2 a pizza? Do you feel like having pizza when you are tired, dizzy, nauseated and headachy? With prohibition of alcohol, can you imagine pizza without a cold beer?

I’ve decided to follow the advice of my doctor, who practices evidence based medicine, and reads dull medical literature on my behalf. She encouraged me to rescue Pizza Hut flyers from the recycle bin, and stop fast forwarding through pizza commercials.

I have to say these strategies have really worked. We have pizza more often and here is our typical Pizza Hut order:

  • Appetizer: Twisted Crust Pizza and Bread Sticks In One (with dipping sauce).
  • Entrees: Meat Lover’s Pizza for me, and Ultimate Cheese Lover’s Pizza with Seriously Stuffed Crust for Patrick.

Our differences don’t matter. We both end up satisfied.

What about your desire for pizza? Is it spontaneous or responsive? Do you think you need a pill?

Non-disclaimer: Any similarities between Hypoactive Pizza Desire Disorder and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder are fully intentional.

To learn more about HSDD and FDA’s release of Flibanserin, check out this blog “The Dirty Normal: Better Sex Powered by Science,” and Stephen Colbert’s brilliant report from The Nite Show.

 

 

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44 thoughts on “Pizzapie-agra for Women: A Closer Look

  1. I love pizza but living in the sticks as I do, I had to learn how to make my own from scratch. So I could get in the car and deliver it to myself so I could enjoy Friday nights just like a regular person.

    And my pizza is pretty awesome. Thin crust, homemade sauce, and lots of roasted garlic topped with whatever I want to top it with.

    I’ll deliver one to the office one day.

    Welcome aboard, Molly! Hope you don’t regret your decision to expose your humor bone here on The Nudge Wink Report. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Upside of Sideways and commented:

    Say hello to Molly, our new Field Reporter over on The Nudge Wink Report. Molly will be writing a monthly health & more article on NWR. Once she sees the state of our office, I’m thinking she’ll be writing more of the “more.” And maybe sharing her stash of antibacterial hand wash. *grin* Head on over and say hi. Molly says it won’t hurt a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, when did this place pick up a quality writer? They must be trying something new?

    I see you covered this pizza with cheese. I call that a good start. Gimme that can of shredded Parmesan. Mmm, mo cheese. What a friend we have in cheeses.

    Why stop there? Pass me the can of shredded pepperoni, too.

    Like

    1. Seems like you have no problem getting fired up about your pizza with toppings. Not sure what the American Pizziatric Association would say about all the shredding. I think there might be a dysfunction hiding in there somewhere worthy of treatment. Or at least therapy. *wink*

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Considering my waning interest in pizza, I was half tempted to take you seriously. Then again, I suppose I should take a lack of interest in pizza to be a sign that something is seriously wrong with me and I should see a physician immediately. Thank you for the timely health warning.

    Like

  5. So funny. I’m not into dairy, so I’d only take pizzapieagra if it was really, really important to my significant other, if I had one of those.

    Like

  6. I used to like pizza, but now I’m just too tired to enjoy it. I usually tell my husband not to include me, and just go for the Personal Pan Pizza.

    Welcome aboard! Obviously the tone around this joint is going high-brow. I hope you appreciate the fact that I am wearing an evening gown and long gloves while typing this. Really.

    Like

  7. Hey, I typed a comment and it disappeared. Did y’all fire me and change the locks without letting me know?

    It was something brilliant but I’m too tired to type it over again, so just laugh heartily.

    Welcome aboard!

    Like

      1. Thanks for increasing the comments on this post Peg. It helps boost my confidence as a new reporter for NWR. I like your option for your husband when you are too tired. Maybe you need a pep pill? What a coincidence! I wore an evening gown when I wrote this post. But I had to stick with fingerless gloves for the typing part.

        Like

  8. As a New Yorker, pizza is a welcome meal option at any time of day, at an unlimited rate. Even walking through pen station in the MORNING I can already smell Rose’s pizza beginning to cook fresh pies. With $1 pizza places scattered throughout the city, it’s hard to find an excuse NOT to eat pizza as often as possible. We all know how unaffordable this state is to live in. Not to mention you don’t even need to sit down to eat it. You can simultaneously grab a pizza and run to your subway! Amazing. Pizza for every meal, pizza forever.

    Like

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