A modern tragedy in three acts.

Alternate headline: Dr. Tom’s Magical Elixir of Crunchy Cure. (This is another installment in our ongoing Choose Your Adventure series. -Ed.)


This space intentionally left blank.

And scene.


“Is that a gun in your vagina or are you just happy to see me?”

Weapon is hot

Pro tip: “vagina gun” is a tricky google search. I work hard so you don’t have to. You’re welcome. Photo: Artist conception. (Get it?)

WACO, Texas — Police recovered a loaded .22-caliber pistol with a bullet chambered from the vagina of woman following a traffic stop in Waco on Monday.

Source: Chron.com

I have this theory. See if you can follow my logic here. Things like cars and houses have locks. Why is that? Obviously, if they didn’t, the bad people would steal them all. So every time we get locked out we have a bad person to thank. If not for them, imagine how life could have been.

Now we have people hiding loaded firearms in their cavities. I heard that happiness is a warm gun, but this is ridiculous. Somebody is a little too happy.

What happens next? Will we be subject to cavity searches because of this bad person? “Honey, we’re out of guacamole. I’m running down to the grocery.”

“Don’t forget your lube, dear.”

This is how the bad people hurt us all. I think, after she’s found guilty, her sentence should be 20 years in a dunk tank. Then any American who has been probed gets three free balls to throw at her dunking button. That would be justice.

As we all learned in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey it was a significant moment when humans learned to kill. The next milestone moment is when we have perfected weapons to the extent that they can be nestled within our bodies. That moment is here. That’s nature’s way of telling us it is time to go. Cue the unicorns.

This was a topic that happened to capture my fancy and I responded by going on a bit of a spree on Twitter. Here’s the bullet points:

  • You have a loaded handgun in your vagina? Finally, a tantalizing clue to Who Put The Bop In The Bop Shoo Bop!
  • One in the chamber and half-cocked.
  • A suspect hid a smaller caliber handgun in her vagina or, as she liked to call it, her Pee Shooter.
  • A suspect hid a small caliber handgun in her vagina. It was a real Snatch-22 situation.
  • Q. What do you call a loaded gun in a vagina? A. One in the chamber with one in the chamber.
  • Weaponized vagina.
  • She had a gun in her vagina. “Stand back, boys,” she said. “This weapon is hot.”
  • Gun in vagina? What could possibly go wrong?
  • Hey, boys. That’s the girl with the gun in her vagina over there. Remember. Don’t fire until you see the whites of her thighs.
  • Had a hot date with the girl with a gun in her vagina. Fortunately I wasn’t the only one shooting blanks.
  • Forrest Gump: “She had a gun. In her vagina. Then it felt like something just jumped up and bit me. Argh! Something bit me!”
  • She forgot to remove her gun from her vagina before sex which led, of course, to a money shot on a kill shot.
  • She had a gun in her vagina. It had a hair trigger.
  • Q. What do you call a gun in a vagina? A. An Uzi.
  • #NRA clarifies gun safety: “Always make sure the chamber is empty before inserting penis. Otherwise, where the hell is it supposed to go?”
  • This season’s sexiest new crime drama: Snatch and Grab. He’s a street-tough cop. She’s a vagina.

(Disclosure: That last tweet was written on March 4, 2015, but we think it still fits. –Ed.)


And now, on to more pressing business. It’s time for me to come out of my shell. Is it Donald Trump leading in the polls? Syrian refugees? The Iran Nuclear deal? “Men’s Rights” activism? The U.S. Women’s Soccer team taking the World Cup?


Artist conception.

Artist conception.

I give you the taco emoji.

Having solved all the world’s problems it’s time to get busy on the important stuff. Because, delicious.

I think I see the end game here. Only when there are 4.2 billion emojii will we be crushed by Emoji Matrix Overload (EMO). Through sheer volume we’ll lose the ability to choose and that’ll be the end of the bloody things.

Hell, I don’t even know what an emoji is. Sounds like something from Kitchen Stadium. In my day we had to walk uphill both ways – in the snow – to get emoticons. They were good enough for us, dammit.

The big news is that Apple is adding new emojii in iOS 9.1. (Code named: Latest Thing To Break Your Phone.)

Also included: unicorn and “middle finger” emoji. Yes. Middle finger. The Bird. Because, you know, the internet wasn’t mean enough already. We needed even more ways to express ourselves vulgarly to each other.

Which reminds me: Where the hell is the death threat emoji?

According to Emojipedia (oh holy mother of God) the taco emoji has actually been around since June 17, 2015. It turns out that Apple is late on the bandwagon this time.

Also, Emojipedia wants you to know that the taco emoji is part of “Unicode 8.0” and is represented by a “codepoint” of U+1F32E.

Amazingly, there isn’t a single universal standard for how the taco emoji will be depicted. “[E]ach individual tech company has enormous latitude in designing its emoji and choosing exactly how they display on your screen.”

As if that isn’t enough, there’s even more drama.

Unicode defines the meaning of the character as an ominously loose “Mexican food item.” What the hell is that?

“My favorite food is Mexican food, I used to be a waiter in a Mexican restaurant in Indiana. Now that’s where you go for Mexican.

Mexican food’s great, but it’s essentially all the same ingredients, so there’s a way you’d have to deal with all these stupid questions. “What is nachos?” “…Nachos? It’s tortilla with cheese, meat, and vegetables.” “Oh, well then what is a burrito?” “Tortilla with cheese, meat, and vegetables.” “Well then what is a tostada?” “Tortilla with cheese, meat, and vegetables.” “Well then what i-” “Look, it’s all the same shit! Why don’t you say a Spanish word and I’ll bring you something.”

Mexican food is great, but it is all the same, it’s almost a conspiracy. It’s almost like they had a meeting 200 years ago in Mexico City and one guy stood up and he was like, “Hey, the reason I got everyone here is pretty simple, I figured we could rename this one entree seven times and sell it to the North Americans. The French said it would be a good idea.” “Who’s in on it?” Then some guy in the back was like, “Wouldn’t that be dishonest?” “Well, if you’re quiet we’ll name one of the entrees after you, what’s your name?” “My name’s Chimichanga.”

–Jim Gaffigan

On my website the taco emoji is going to have a little handgun in it. (Apologies. We can’t control him. –Ed.)