funny-pictures-auto-441805Ah. Macrocost. You’re still lurking around? What’s new? I see you’re giddy with excitement. “10,” you say? LOL. Still crazy as ever.

It takes a lot of guts to call your software a 10. Of course, after that Windows 9 debacle they didn’t have much choice.

As always, though, in the world of operating systems it eventually boils down to the one truly quintessential question: How will this thing hurt me?

It’s like the CEO of Macrocost always says. Wait. Who is the CEO of Macrocost? I don’t even know any more. A google search (you don’t expect me to use Bing do you?) reveals it’s some guy named Satya Nadella. OK, I’ll take your word for it, Siri. And I don’t really have any quotes from him after all, unless it’s the one where he says the gender-pay gap should be solved with karma. Even Apple doesn’t do that.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’re going under the hood with Windows 10. Things are going to get technical as we DIY this shit. There’ll be an unboxing video. And, for the truly radical, some jailbreak high jinx. If that sounds confusing go play Angry Birds 2 during this part. Because, funny! They’re birds. That can fly! Get it?!

Browser: If you’ve ever heard of “Internet Explorer” then I’ve got good news and bad news for you. Good: Internet Explorer is being deprecated in Windows 10. (That’s fancy technology jargon for poop.) Bad: It’s being replaced by a new Macrocost browser called Edge. Alas, it’s still made my Macrocost. They make this mistake every single time.

The Macrocost Windows 10 with Edge browser. (Artist rendition.)

The Macrocost Windows 10 operating system with Edge browser. (Artist rendition.)

Firefox has already written a strongly worded letter that objects to Edge making itself the “default” browser and refusing to play well with others. The fun part is how something like this is surprising to absolutely no one. In a move some experts are calling “retributionary,” Windows 10 does allow Firefox to be installed but refuses to allow users to select it as their own default.

“These changes aren’t unsettling to us because we’re the organization that makes Firefox. They are unsettling because there are millions of users who love Windows and who are having their choices ignored, and because of the increased complexity put into everyone’s way if and when they choose to make a choice different than what Microsoft prefers.”

—Mozilla CEO Chris Beard

That means every time a link is clicked, Macrocost Edge will edge out possible competition. Hey! I wonder if that’s how it got its name? Either that or it’s based on a razor with 42 micro-thin blades.

We all know an operating system is so much more than a browser (do we?) so here’s a smattering of other things Windows 10 might do.

It is being reported that Windows 10 may automatically share Wi-Fi passwords with places like Facebook. Normally I’d ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” But, upon reflection, I think we all agree Skynet is going to have to catch a few breaks if it’s eventually going to kill us all.

Out of the box Windows 10 will have default settings that send personal information to Macrocost. Because, hey, why not?

It will use your internet connection’s upload pipe to send data to other computers running the same operating system. This feature is secretly known as Something Wicked Every Which Way Comes.

If you think about it the term “Macrocost” has become synonymous with “online security.” So, of course, users will be given the option to opt-out of updates. This is a serious nod to the crowd that dons tinfoil hats, waits in fields for the spaceships and thinks the government is out to invade Texas.

Last, but certainly not least, there’s a lot of hubbub about personalizing ads for the user. Yes, if you want an operating system on your computer (and let’s be honest, who doesn’t?) the “killer app” has got to be personalized ads. The holy grail. This is, of course, the only thing they truly care about. “Everyone is going home with a new Advertising ID!”

There is one other feature. Cortana, bastard love-great-grandchild of the Paper Clip, is a personal digital assistant with personality. But, unlike Siri, Ricardo Montalbán assures me this one is made out of rich Corinthian leather. In order to serve users better, it will “collect and use various types of data” like your location, calendar, contacts, apps, emails, text messages, and more. But don’t worry. The Macrocost terms of service promises they’ll only use that information in “good faith.”

Windows 10 is also a nice place to run productivity suites like Office 365, a product with a name that literally tells you how often you have to pay for it. It’s online and subscription and cloud-based (which means it needs to be “seeded” with your money). The Personal edition is only $70/year while the Home version is $100/year. Lucky for me I’m never personal at home.

In conclusion, let me add this: If Macrocost wants something then I’ll be out in front leading the way to adopt the exact opposite. I’d also make fun of their catchy slogan but I can’t think of a single damn one.