Posted in Humor, Shouts from the Abyss

Cooking with Tom: Choosing the right Pot

cat-potSubtitle: Marijuana gets an edible complex.

Brace yourselves. A veritable tsunami of marijuana “edibles” is coming. While your humble correspondent has never actually tried pot (except involuntarily by rock concert) this doesn’t preclude the self-adopted title of Senior Marijuana Correspondent here at the Nudge Wink.

Look, I’m going to be blunt. I don’t like pot. I think it’s disgusting. Personally I hate the stuff and I rue the day it was ever legalized in the Great State of Oregon (and other whackadoo places). But I’m nothing if not a journalist so I’ll report the news with my usual style and aplomb and I’ll do it with absolutely no bias.

You’d think legalization would have taken the wind out of their sails. That they’d all by now be suffering from reefer madness and lounging on sofas with piles of Mountain Dew and Doritos. That doesn’t necessarily conjure up images of the great entrepreneurial spirit, but somehow they found a way. When it comes to marijuana, apparently, some folks are highly motivated.

If you love pot what could possibly be better than lots more of it? And then some. “Hey, dude. I’ve got an idea,” said one. “Smoking pot gives us the munchies. What if,” he posited, “those munchies we munched contained even more pot?”

Everyone assembled agreed this was literally a stellar idea and the “edibles” industry was birthed right there on the spot.

Brownies? Cookies? Sure the news for years has been filled with stories of these being laced with marijuana and given to unsuspecting folks. “Ha ha, you ated it!” But, honestly, those are kinds of edibles are passé. It’s time for a new generation of inventiveness.

Warning: Be careful what you eat. Even in Colorado a state high (sic) court recently ruled for the fifth time in seven years that employers have the right to fire workers who use medical marijuana. Dine wisely.

Just last week a groundbreaking Get Baked Sale was held in San Francisco. California is not yet fully legalized so attendees were subjected to the Herculean effort of presenting a medical marijuana card to gain admission. No doubt this undertaking prompted great appetites that had to be sated and slaked.

The success of the event prompted some to proclaim that “edibles” is poised to become the next “multimillion-dollar food industry.”

Not unlike most smorgasbords, booths (selling mind-altering treats) lined the urban park. Some vendors lured people over with gimmicks, like free vape pens and a lottery wheel to win a THC-laced doughnut. We saw the usual suspects, pot brownies and cookies, and more daring confections, such as cannabis-infused fortune cookies, mini doughnuts, and ice cream. The crowd was unsurprisingly chill.

One ticket holder at the event was quoted as saying that she associates edibles with an “inherent terror.” At a different event last year a reporter inexperienced with marijuana apparently misjudged or didn’t know the levels of THC in a pot-laced caramel-chocolate flavored candy bar before going back for seconds. She reportedly spent the night in a “fit of trauma and paranoia.”

THC, by the way, is the main psychoactive ingredient in cannabis. Mmm, that sounds good. Psychoactive. It’s what’s for dinner.

Most marijuana edibles seem to run the gamut of the restaurant dessert tray. Cookies, brownies, chocolate bars, candy, pies, granola bars, Rice Krispy treats, caramel corn, and much, much more. The product names are things like Space Brownies, Dabba Medicinal Chocolate, Beyond Mars Chocolate, Wana Jewels, Bhang Pretzel, Merciful Brownie, Day Trippers, and Weedies.

Some schemes are a little more out there. One company is offering a selection of “cannabis-infused fine wines.” It’s described as getting “buzzed on alcohol” followed by a “delicious full body buzz.”

I don’t want to blow smoke but proponents of this “beverage” are claiming they’re carrying on a tradition that has existed for thousands of years. Even in Biblical times, they say, wine was laced with things like “opium, datura, belladonna, mandrake and henbane.” Personally I like to open a bottle and let it breathe before adding a little eye of newt. Then all I need is a clip of hair from the man I’m after.

Is there anything marijuana can’t do? Apparently not. There are even medicinal cookies made specifically for dogs. If it’s good for you then why not your best friend?

Sadly, even in the name of good journalism, this reporter chickened out and can’t relate any firsthand experiences for this story. But the edibles industry is expected to top $10 billion in sales by 2018. Chances are you or someone you know will be fully informed on the subject very soon if not already.

Until then, do everything in your power to stay dazed and confused. Being intoxicated 24/7 seems to be one of our species most primal desires.

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

28 thoughts on “Cooking with Tom: Choosing the right Pot

    1. Thanks for noticing. For me a blog post is 99% filler crap and a single moment in time where I defy the odds and write something almost readable. On the other hand, I’m now out of eye of newt. Time to go shopping.

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  1. The real tragedy is that you can legally get fired for smoking eye of newt, even of you have a prescription. Something needs to be done about it, just as soon as the lobbyists are able to work uP any ambition.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s still against Federal Law to use eye of newt and it’s on that basis the courts have upheld the firings. It’s almost like employers get way too much power over your entire existence or something, but that’s another story.

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  2. Personally I can’t understand why it has taken so long for Mary Jane to hit the edible precipice of time. Not to mention, the ‘smoke and toke’ mainstream.

    Eons ago, in my youth, it was the ‘in’ thing. Reefer madness abounded, but not as the movie by the same name declares. If you smoked it, you ate ANYTHING or EVERYTHING, wanted to nap the day or night away, and found yourself either unemployed or a college dropout. For me, it simply meant paranoid feelings and a heightened sense that the Feds were listening to all my phone calls and clearly following me everywhere I went.

    I had things to do. Places to go. A desire to upgrade my life to livable. The one I left behind had been eighteen years of hell. Living with two alcoholic parents will certainly hand you a blueprint smudged and torn at the edges.

    Today, I’m all in for legalizing it, making it legit. How on earth did I get to this train of thought? I have a special needs niece. She suffered severe epileptic seizures that took her from a low functioning young lady to a woman of 37 that is unable to do anything.

    I saw a neighbor go thru horrendous chemo and radiation treatments suffer from such debilitating side effects that kept her immobile for days.

    There are two sides to every story. I choose not to judge anyone but myself, I simply ask, “Don’t drive under the influence.” This is for my sake, as well as yours, plus everyone else on the road.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I neglected to mention that although I feel the word “medicinal” has been badly co-opted by the high-seeking culture, I am not against the legitimate use of marijuana in cases where it helps those in pain. Life has too much pain. I’m in favor of less. That’s a distinction I should have made.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think I might just have to agree with you on this. Like I do on every topic you write about. After all, I AM your number one fan. *grin*

    Because really. What could go wrong? Adding weed to the list of things people have a “right” to use…the list that includes guns in every home, car, purse, concealed holster. Really. What could go wrong?

    Good one, Shouts. And congratulations on your promotion to Senior Correspondent! When did that happen and why wasn’t I invited? *perplexed face*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on upside of sideways and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, Tom brings us a platter of munch-ables, in the form of a con-pot crockpot of why you really shouldn’t eat the weed. It’s a post that will leave your head spinning. Head over to #NWR now but maybe pack your own snacks?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I recently joked that Portland, Oregon has 4.2 marijuana stores per capita. (That means there are four stores per person.) The traditional red cross symbol has been co-opted and made green. And those green crosses are ubiquitous and omnipresent. Everyone wants to sell pot.

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  5. In full disclosure, I like marijuana. I like it a whole lot. I like to smoke it, and, germane to the above post, I like to eat it. In fact, edibles are the best thing since sliced bread (that has weed in it).

    In all seriousness (although please believe I was being deadly serious in my praise of the sweet, sweet cheeba), edibles serve a purpose beyond being a new way to get you fucked up. The effect is different, slower on the onset, and longer lasting. I know of people who use them for relief from pain or to help them sleep.

    I’m fortunate not to suffer any chronic pain, but weed nonetheless has a salubrious effect on me, and is very helpful for concentration and finishing tasks. I’m aware of how ass-backward that sounds, and I know that’s not true of everybody, but it’s true for me. Edibles (I make my own butter–it’s literally the only time I use the stove) are a great thing for some people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t imagine it as an ingredient. Does it taste good or is it something to be suffered through for the salubrious effects? In any case, I think almost anything can be beneficial if used in moderation and in the right way. I’m not against that but I do dread the abusive aspects and don’t particularly wish it thrust upon me when I’m exercising my rights to access public spaces.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, it tastes like ass. I mix it with oatmeal and just power it down. 30 seconds of discomfort for a day of mellow productivity. I’ll take it. And I hear what you’re saying about public spaces. People (not just potheads) tend to think that because they have the right to do something, they should do it whenever and wherever and if you don’t like it, you can fucking lump it.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I never inhaled. Well… in a long time I haven’t. I am much too old now to eat pot brownies. I’m sure they help some people for medical reasons or pain management but I’d like to keep the few remaining brain cells I have and not gain yet another 30 pounds.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I never inhaled, either, so I can only imagine what that’s like. I know what it is to be drunk but not stoned. That probably means my opinions on the matter are not fact-based and I’m okay with that. If I want a mild buzz, I’ll drink a margarita. If I want a treat, I’ll have a brownie. I fail to see the logic in melding those two different things into a singular experience. Of course, I’ve long made it known I’m also against the 10+ different varieties of Wheat Thins, too. If I want a rosemary basil pesto with jalapeño and original Tuscan flavor on my cracker I’ll do it myself!

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    1. Here on my office shelf I have a book called “Intoxication.” It argues that the desire for mind-altering states is a “fourth drive” intrinsic to humanity, “a drive as powerful as hunger, thirst and sex – the desire for intoxication.”

      As far as I can tell that sure seems to be true. And yes, I partake of nutmeg, coffee and alcohol. Perhaps I should travel to this parallel universe and be an outlaw. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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