Posted in Blurt, Humor

News Flash: Some Animals Don’t Mind Hurting You

The news media seems always eager to identify the latest “trends”. And yet they’ve missed a potentially dangerous one that has come up this week – animals have begun killing us at an alarming rate.

Hakuna Matataaaaauuuughh

“Dude, I will totally kill you” – every lion ever born (image by Robek CCbySA3.0)

A lion attacked and killed a woman as she toured a place called Lion Park in South Africa. Lion Park safety rules require visitors to tour in cars with their windows rolled up because, you know, lions.

Not surprisingly, the lion killed the woman by attacking through a  rolled down car window. Someone, who was not a lion, rolled the window down to take a photo.

What can we learn from this tale? Well, lions apparently understand that broken glass will cut them, but not all of us fully grasp the lion’s willingness to kill and eat us.

Swordfish. Sword. Fish.

A swordfish is a fish. A fish that has a sword and doesn’t mind using it. (public domain image)

In non-lion news, a swordfish killed a boat captain in Hawaii. The captain spotted the fish in the water and jumped in to spear it. After he speared it, the fish turned and killed the captain because, you know, swordfish.

Did you know that if you want a fish there are ways to bring one out of the water where it has less of a strategic advantage? This is especially important when the fish has a weapon. Did you know that you can become a boat captain without knowing that?

What can we learn from this tale? Being promoted to captain doesn’t mean you’re smart. Smart people who want fish take advantage of that whole hook and worm situation. Armed animals are dangerous.

Are You Nut(s)?

This is not the nut in question (image by Victor Vizu CCbySA3.0)

In Spain, a matador lost one of his testicles. Lost is such a loose word. It isn’t like he misplaced it, a bull gored him in the groin because, you know, bulls fight.

Now, to be fair, if you read this story you know that the matador survived. So why, you may ask, is this included in a discussion of animals killing folks? I included it because it is perhaps the most insidious of the three cases. The bull didn’t kill the matador, he just took the matador’s will to live.

What can we learn from this tale? If you’re cruel to animals, they reserve the right to return the favor. Animals don’t usually start fights, but they are willing to end them. And somewhere in Spain, a man faces a lifetime of his friends challenging him to do things by saying “you don’t have the ball to do it”.

I’m not sure why the news media is refusing to identify the clear trend – animals have decided to start taking advantage of our inability (or perhaps unwillingness) to make smart decisions. The only remaining question is their motivation. What is the end game for the animals?

If only there were a reporter with the ball to investigate this trend.



Most who read my blog don't know me from the man in the moon. But they seem nice and I am, in fact, The Man In The Moon.

14 thoughts on “News Flash: Some Animals Don’t Mind Hurting You

  1. Reblogged this on upside of sideways and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, Oma pulls on his camo underwear in a quest to find out “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE” and I mean the ones who think wild animals aren’t so wild. Head over to NWR to check out this week’s post. Just remember: keep your windows in the up position. *wink wink*


  2. A kid in Kansas died ten years ago because the tiger with whom she was posing for a senior photo turned on her and killed her. The animal sanctuary was in violation of USDA regulations and lost their license. I don’t know what made them think it was okay to let kids play with grown tigers.


  3. The bar to be a ship’s captain seems to be set incredibly low – think of The Skipper in Gilligan’s Island.

    But maybe this particular captain had a Moby Dick thing going on with this particular sword fish. In which case his actions have a noble, literary quality ala Hemingway.


  4. “Animals don’t usually start fights, but they are willing to end them.” That sentence encapsulates the encounter between man and beast when man is being particularly stupid. This should be posted outside all zoos and safari parks, maybe with a small modification like this: Our animals don’t usually start fights, but they are willing to end them. Keep car windows shut / don’t get in the cage.


  5. I was in Australia recently, watching some arbitrary show whilst trying to kill time. The discussion turned to Safari’s in South Africa and the host of the show asked straight-faced: “Does this mean you can’t pet a lion?”

    As a South African I wanted to phone in and beg him to do so. Go pet away. We don’t need any more stupid people, there’s enough in parliament already.


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