Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor, Trends, Uncategorized

Tell Me Tell Me What’s The Word?

This looked nice, but quickly became illegible once I hung a couple of jackets on it.  (Image from ourimgs dot com)
This looked nice, but quickly became illegible once I hung a couple of jackets on it. This may or may not account for my uneventful sleeping of late.  (Image from ourimgs dot com)

I walked over to a neighbor’s home a few weeks ago carrying a cup measure and an empty Flintstones jelly glass.  I’d been in the middle of making scones when I suddenly realized that I was fresh out of both dried currants and vodka.  For you epicures out there, the currants are sometimes found in scones, and the vodka in consistently found in me when I’m baking.

I’ll refer to this neighbor as “B”, but her actual name is Bernice Waldbaum.  There was no doubt that B would have every ingredient I could ever need, she’s one of “those” people.  I’d also resigned myself to the idea that she would take at least partial credit for the scones at the neighborhood potluck brunch later that morning.  I just didn’t feel like driving over to the Grab N Bag to buy my own, besides I always seem to run into someone I know when I’ve got vodka in my shopping cart before 8:00 AM.

To be honest, the berries and booze weren’t my sole motive; I had to get a peek at the home’s interior.  It was well documented in the neighborhood that for weeks there had been some conspicuous extras next to B’s curb on trash day.  Last week, it had been a quaint oil painting of a New England mill pond.  The trash day before that I’d spotted some perfectly good throw pillows and an oval mirror with no visible cracks in it.  B was obviously redecorating, and I needed to get a look around.

She answered the door with a big surprised smile and immediately invited me in.  She was already made up and her hair looked like she just came from a three digit session at Pamper Me Perms out by the mall.  B looked sassy and fit in her casual velour yoga pants and off-the-shoulder thingy.  As she turned to lead me into the house, I glanced down at the word “Derriere” printed in an arch across the butt of her pants.  Thanks B, I’d been pretty sure that was your cute little ass in there, but the clever use of French sealed it for me.

I let my gaze drift away from her tush so that I could check out what would undoubtedly become the staple for home decor in our development.  It didn’t take long to spot the trend.  Right there in the foyer where the oval mirror used to be were the words “Home” and “Welcome“.  The letters were around nine inches tall and made out of metal which had been treated to look antique.  I knew they weren’t real antique, because people back in the olden days didn’t need to be reminded that they were in their homes and not the grange hall or the cobbler’s shop.

I felt guilty borrowing this picture from thestickerhut dot com, probably the same way they felt after borrowing the words from Smokey Robinson. (Image from thestickerhut dot com)
I felt guilty borrowing this picture from thestickerhut dot com, probably the same way they felt after borrowing the words from Smokey Robinson. (Image from thestickerhut dot com)

As we walked through the family room, B made the standard apology for “the condition of the place.” I knew better than to waste time trying to find the few dust molecules she must have been referring to and used the opportunity to check out the furnishings.  On the wall opposite the sofa were another couple of words.  “Family” and “Together” were spelled out on either side of the flat screen TV.  The “Family” letters were smaller than the ones in the foyer and in a more swirly script.  “Together” was done in all different typefaces and had a kind of jumbly-on-purpose look, if you know what I mean.  We were walking too fast for me to have time to read all of the throw pillows, but I know at least one of them had the word “RELAX” on it.

By now we were in the kitchen and B had wasted no time finding the currants in the cabinet.  Who the hell else would know right where her dried currants were located?  Above the breakfast nook, the words “Cooked With Love” had been stenciled on the wall.  The choice of Times New Roman for the font seemed a little rigid for such a gentle sentiment, but that might just be me being fussy.

By now, B was standing before me with a generously filled cup of currants and a disappointingly shallow amount of vodka.  Seriously, the booze was barely deep enough to get Fred and Wilma’s feet wet!  I was quick to thank her and make my escape.  I’d seen (and read) enough to begin laying the groundwork for some redecorating of my own.

Maybe if you spent a little less on wall words, you could have spared me a little more Yabbadabbadoo Juice!  (Image - croipped - from pinterest dot com)
Maybe if you spent a little less on wall words, you could have spared me a little more Yabba-dabba-doo Juice! (Image – cropped – from pinterest dot com)

I know better than to simply duplicate the trend-setter.  I’ve taken things to a different level in my house.  The foyer now has a rugged sign with actual rust on it which lists my home’s capacity as being “no more than 352 people“, by order of the fire marshal himself.

My powder room has the life advice you’d expect – above the toilet paper roll reads a stack of stenciled words “Love, Sit, Poop, Wipe, Warmth“.  Above the toilet tank, in more manly block lettering are the words “Seat” and “Down“.  I positioned the word “down” on kind of a downward angle for emphasis – so crafty!

In the family room, we’ve got a really nice sign above the mantel.  It reads “79 Days Without A Domestic Disturbance Call“.  The fun part is that the “79” part is on a dry erase board, so we can change the number.  That makes it fun because we need to change the number pretty often.

Next week I’m hosting the neighborhood Bunko, Wine and Cheese Fest.  I can’t wait to see the look on B’s face!

 

 

 

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

27 thoughts on “Tell Me Tell Me What’s The Word?

  1. Reblogged this on 1pointperspective and commented:

    It’s my turn over at The Nudge Wink Report, and I’ve decided to delve into why people prefer to only read a few words at a time. They learn these bad reading habits at home, people, and it has to stop! Please don’t be offended if this sounds like I’m describing you, this is entirely about Bernice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ve got your finger on the pulse of modern decorating trends – Websterizing is so hot right now. But by combining that with rusty old signs, you’ve tied into an even hotter trend – Steampunk. Care to redecorate my house? I have a nearly-full bottle of vodka here.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I woke up this morning. with no perspective, but, with the addition of a selection of words, artistically glued to a re-purposed smiley face poster (purchased at Pottery Barn) I now know that ” LIFE iS HapPY”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. How are you not featured in DWELL Magazine?

    You are spot on trend, my friend. Which means that by tomorrow all your friends and neighbors will be hanging out in your front yard, hoping to score an invite inside this domicile of domestic bliss.

    Me included. And I’ll be the only one with a suitable amount of vodka. Enough for you, me, and the navy. Hint: if you don’t invite the navy, more for us!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Technically, I have been featured in the pages of DWELL Magazine, albeit the last few where they have little classifieds. Mine featured X-Ray glasses which enabled the wearer to see right through the clothes of their classmates.

      Like

  5. Hey! I have way more vodka than Pegoleg! I really, really want you to stencil SEAT DOWN in my bathroom. Also, AIM CAREFULLY.

    Oh, and maybe a pretty font of: “If it’s brown flush it down, if it’s yellow flush it down too. This ain’t no outhouse.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “SEAT DOWN” without “AIM CAREFULLY” is a recipe for disaster. As for color coding, things could get tricky, especially if you have one of those little things in the tank that turns the water blue.

      Like

  6. I have a full bottle of vodka (only because I had already passed out and my guests most likely didn’t see where I had it hidden when they slipped out – all the other liquor has been re-homed, so to speak). The only “fancy” words on the walls in this dump are “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” and “Home is where the dog is” right next to a humongous pile of dog hair. Mama isn’t too happy about the dog hair, but the vodka might help her get over that…

    If I put any words in the bathroom, it would be “Please use the air freshener, we couldn’t afford the industrial strength exhaust fan”

    Like

  7. I’ve been to B’s house…we’ve got ages out here in my neighborhood. Some of my friends hop even have B-like qualities, which might explain the distance between us. I don’t have any writing on the walls, other than the Crayola art my daughter decided to bless me with, but I’m loving your 79 days without sign … Cracking me up.

    Like

  8. Reblogged this on upside of sideways and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, we see the softer side of Dave. He’s not a department store but he’s got some home design tips that will make you…speechless? Head over to #NWR now and learn all you ever needed to know about how to decorate. Or not. Word.

    Like

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