Last night I had the privilege to chat with America’s sweetheart and my former boyfriend*, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady.
DISCLAIMER: This interview took place entirely in a dream. Any resemblance to any person living, dead or undead is purely intentional. During interview either Tom or I might have been either partially or completely naked. Fine, Tom was naked. Just Tom. Because it’s my dream and I can do what I like while I’m sleeping.
She’s a Maineiac: Hey, Tommy boy! Welcome to my dream! How’s it going?
Tom Brady: Aw c’mon! Golly gee, let’s just cut to the chase. Don’t you mean, “how’s it hanging?”
SAM: (tilting head) Why would I ask “how’s it hanging?”
TB: Because of my balls …?
SAM: I’m not following.
TB: Y’know, how is it … hanging?
SAM: (stares blankly)
TB: … Deflating …?
SAM: Oh! (pauses) Yeah, I still don’t get it.
TB: MY BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! (weeps into his hands) IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT MY GODDAMN BALLS! (lowers head and whispers dejectedly like Brick Heck from the sitcom The Middle) Balls.
SAM: Mmmkay… (rolling eyes) Well since you brought it up, what gives? The Official “Deflategate” Report says you cheated.
TB: I didn’t do anything wrong. I had no knowledge of anything. I never was nor will I ever be “generally aware” of anything anywhere at anytime. Is it cold in here?
SAM: Let’s be real, Tom. You’ve won 17 Super Bowls, 152 MVPs. You’re married to what’s-her-face. Your swimming pool is filled with liquid gold and you eat diamond-encrusted cornflakes for breakfast. Why’d you do it? Why deflate those balls? You had it all, man!
TB: I didn’t do anything. I have no clue about what’s going on ever. Why am I only wearing my helmet?
SAM: And what about us, huh? The Pats fans? Why risk tarnishing a legacy? Don’t you think New England has suffered enough? We’re the home of Donnie and Marky Mark Wahlberg for god’s sake!
SAM: And one of them is married to Jenny McCarthy! JENNY MCCARTHY!
TB: (thinking intently) True. I’m … sorry?
SAM: I think I know what your problem is, Dimples McGee.
TB: I’m not wearing any pants?
SAM: You are too handsome.
TB: No! Me?
SAM: Yes! Screw all that talk about cheating and deflating. I’m certain every NFL team has at least one rogue middle-aged ball boy who goes by the nickname The Big Needler and prefers to take a leak while juggling 15 footballs. Standard protocol. But you’re ridiculously attractive. This is why everyone is so jealous of you they want to rip that adorable dent clear off your chiseled chinny-chin-chin.
TB: Get out. Me? No!
SAM: Ever think of dialing down the gorgeousness a bit?
TB: Actually, I’ve tried.
SAM: Nope. Not even close. Try again.
SAM: (sighing) Are you freaking kidding me right now?
SAM: Okay, okay …. better …
SAM: BINGO, BABY! Now just walk around in public like that all the time. Try mixing up your plaid with some polka dots. Give away all your money. Eat regular cornflakes once in awhile. Start to really, really suck at football. Maybe dump Gazelle.
TB: It’s Gisele.
SAM: Not important. Oh, dammit! I’m starting to wake up now. Before I go I want to thank you for taking the time out of your busy day deflating balls to talk to me.
TB: Sure, no problem. Uh … I mean … huh?
(Brady suddenly morphs into Abe Vigoda)
Vigoda/Brady: Too far?
SAM: Ooh, yeah … just a skosh.
Vigoda: Crap. So can I put some clothes on now?
SAM: No. Now give mama some sugar.
(This is the part where I woke up screaming.)
Thank you for reading the first installment of Darla In Dreams Interviewing Celebrities. Be sure to join me next time when I chat it up with Conan O’Brien dressed as Abe Lincoln.