Posted in Humor, She's A Maineiac

My Exclusive Interview With Tom Brady

Last night I had the privilege to chat with America’s sweetheart and my former boyfriend*, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady.


DISCLAIMER: This interview took place entirely in a dream. Any resemblance to any person living, dead or undead is purely intentional. During interview either Tom or I might have been either partially or completely naked. Fine, Tom was naked. Just Tom. Because it’s my dream and I can do what I like while I’m sleeping.


She’s a Maineiac: Hey, Tommy boy! Welcome to my dream! How’s it going?

Tom Brady: Aw c’mon! Golly gee, let’s just cut to the chase. Don’t you mean, “how’s it hanging?”

SAM: (tilting head) Why would I ask “how’s it hanging?”

TB: Because of my balls …?

SAM: I’m not following.

TB: Y’know, how is it … hanging?

SAM: (stares blankly)

TB: … Deflating …?

SAM: Oh! (pauses) Yeah, I still don’t get it.

TB: MY BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! (weeps into his hands) IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT MY GODDAMN BALLS!  (lowers head and whispers dejectedly like Brick Heck from the sitcom The Middle) Balls.

SAM: Mmmkay… (rolling eyes) Well since you brought it up, what gives? The Official “Deflategate” Report says you cheated.

TB: I didn’t do anything wrong. I had no knowledge of anything. I never was nor will I ever be “generally aware” of anything anywhere at anytime. Is it cold in here?

SAM: Let’s be real, Tom. You’ve won 17 Super Bowls, 152 MVPs. You’re married to what’s-her-face. Your swimming pool is filled with liquid gold and you eat diamond-encrusted cornflakes for breakfast. Why’d you do it? Why deflate those balls? You had it all, man!

TB: I didn’t do anything. I have no clue about what’s going on ever. Why am I only wearing my helmet?

SAM: And what about us, huh? The Pats fans? Why risk tarnishing a legacy? Don’t you think New England has suffered enough? We’re the home of Donnie and Marky Mark Wahlberg for god’s sake!


SAM: And one of them is married to Jenny McCarthy! JENNY MCCARTHY!

TB: (thinking intently) True. I’m … sorry?

SAM: I think I know what your problem is, Dimples McGee.

TB: I’m not wearing any pants?

SAM: You are too handsome.

TB: No! Me?

SAM: Yes! Screw all that talk about cheating and deflating. I’m certain every NFL team has at least one rogue middle-aged ball boy who goes by the nickname The Big Needler and prefers to take a leak while juggling 15 footballs. Standard protocol. But you’re ridiculously attractive. This is why everyone is so jealous of you they want to rip that adorable dent clear off your chiseled chinny-chin-chin.

TB: Get out. Me? No!

SAM: Ever think of dialing down the gorgeousness a bit?

TB: Actually, I’ve tried.


SAM: Nope. Not even close. Try again.

image: popsugar
image: popsugar

SAM: (sighing)  Are you freaking kidding me right now?

image: Reuters
image: Reuters

SAM: Okay, okay …. better …


SAM: BINGO, BABY! Now just walk around in public like that all the time. Try mixing up your plaid with some polka dots. Give away all your money. Eat regular cornflakes once in awhile. Start to really, really suck at football. Maybe dump Gazelle.

TB: It’s Gisele.

SAM: Not important. Oh, dammit! I’m starting to wake up now. Before I go I want to thank you for taking the time out of your busy day deflating balls to talk to me.

TB: Sure, no problem. Uh … I mean … huh?

(Brady suddenly morphs into Abe Vigoda)


Vigoda/Brady: Too far?

SAM: Ooh, yeah … just a skosh.

Vigoda: Crap. So can I put some clothes on now?

SAM: No. Now give mama some sugar.

(This is the part where I woke up screaming.)


Thank you for reading the first installment of Darla In Dreams Interviewing Celebrities. Be sure to join me next time when I chat it up with Conan O’Brien dressed as Abe Lincoln.

*Not really.



Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

36 thoughts on “My Exclusive Interview With Tom Brady

  1. Reblogged this on She's a Maineiac and commented:

    Did the New England Patriots really cheat? Should Tom Brady dump Gisele? Is Abe Vigoda sexy? How many times can a person say the word “balls” before a grown man cracks?

    Find out all this and more! Head on over to The Nudge Wink Report where I dig deep into the dark recesses of Brady’s chin dimple to finally get to the truth. I think you can handle it. Probably.


  2. Wait…was this last night? Because I’m pretty sure he was with ME last night. And he WAS naked. I’d say the man is not above cheating by any means.


    1. This was a rare dream for me. Normally my dreams are only about me running around desperately trying to find a bathroom. Or I’m in school taking a test I didn’t prepare for. Or I’m in school taking a test and I really have to go pee.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Reminds me of the torture scene with Val Kilmer in a spy movie spoof. The only other thing I can remember about that movie was the woman who kept calling him “neek.” 🙂


    1. Y’know, I was just talking about this with my husband. I am really, really happy I don’t have balls. How do men deal with them all the time? don’t they just get in the way? This is why men are so distracted all the time. they’re just busy figuring out ways to adjust them.


  3. And with the game over, the final score is:

    The Truth–21
    Tom Brady and his Cheating Pats–0

    Good luck getting your reputation back, Shady. I only WISH you could see the Photoshop delights that have appeared on the cover of the New York Post. Maybe I’ll mail them to you. Heh.


    1. I am so disheartened by the whole thing. And now the Pats aren’t even going to appeal. This tells me it’s because they did it. Makes me yearn for the days of Drew Bledsoe (another ex-boyfriend of mine)


        1. True. I’m sure many athletes have cheated and will continue to do so. I suppose a reason for them is there’s just too much money on the line. And we all know that’s the only thing that’s important in life. (I’m kidding in case someone reads this and forgot to put on their sarcastic sensor today….)


  4. Ha,ha,ha! Great dream, Darla! Is there a part of this dream you are not telling us about? Wink, wink. I mean, he was naked! I don’t care how married I am, if TB was naked in my house (especially in a dream) I would have…inspected the balls myself!

    Him being so gorgeous hurts him big time and at the same time, it helps him in that people forgive anything he does wrong because of his gorgeousness. he is so damn gorgeous! Sweet dreams about Conan, can’t wait to read about that one! 🙂


  5. I think I like the glasses pic best, did he keep the glasses on while he was naked? He would if he was in my bed…I mean dream…bed dream…the bed where I dream you know? I know nothing of his ball deflating shenanigans though, I guess it didn’t make the news in the UK.


    1. Did you happen to see his teammate’s Gronk’s little video? It is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. At the end he says, “You know what you can’t deflate?” Then he points down and yells, “Dese nuts!”

      Stewart has a clip on The Daily Show about it. This has become my motto in life. Every so often I’ll yell “dese nuts!” at my husband and we laugh hysterically. Good stuff.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have to find that!

        We are on a quick (and chilly) trip up here. We came in the night, and will leave that way, too. Gotta figure out how to get together on one of these fly-boys. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

Nudge us with a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s