Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Darth Vader the Busybody

darth-vader-callI’m not in the mood to write and yet, here it is, my turn in the barrel. Again. This is where my lack of vision becomes your pain. Enjoy.

I could dust off some canned material. Oops. I see Oma already covered that story last week.

Okay. How about some Bruce Jenner? Is s/he fair game? Oops. I see Oma dropped the K-bomb in his last post, too. Dammit.

A lot of people come up to me and ask why I haven’t aimed my rapier-like wit on Bruce’s chest in sharp riposte. (Or words to that effect.) Shrug. S/he hasn’t offended me. Who am I to ridicule someone else’s identity choice?

If it makes you feel any better, I’m writing this post using the fanciest font I own. That’s real writing. Not that you’ll ever see it. Your browser is probably still using Comic Sans MS. I also plan to buy a Darth Vader voice changer at Toys”R”Us and make prank phone calls. Anything for the craft. “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” What??? Tuna soon???

I guess I could check the news. Did any parents dangle-drop their children into a vicious animal exhibit at the zoo? Those stories usually work out very well. At least for me and the ravenous beasts.

selfie-empathyHmm. Selfie sticks continue to be a thing. I’m currently working on my reaction video that that. Sure, some organizations are now banning them. Selfie drone, I hope you’re ready for the big time.

Another hot new trend is the “promposal.” Why simply ask someone to go on a date when, instead, you can turn it into a narcissistic orgiastic feast for the senses tailor-made for social media? I’m practicing how to vomit at will in case this ever happens in my vicinity.

“Do you want to go to the prom? Take 42. Quiet on the set. Action!”

In other news, the CDC reports that e-cigarette usage among teens has tripled in just one year. What a drag.

I often imagine that I’ll be outstanding in my field when the aliens land. I’ll be the lucky one to represent humanity. You’re welcome!

If they dare say “Take us to your leader” I’ll reply “I’m not fishing right now.” Yes, I have prepared that joke in advance. I like to be ready for any possible contingency. Not that they’ll get it. Stupid aliens.

“We are curious about your species,” they might say. “What can you tell us?”

“You mean besides selfie sticks and Kardashians? Mmm. Tough one.” I’d likely pause and stroke my beard for dramatic effect.

“Oh yeah,” I’d exclaim. “That reminds me. I’m a member of an invasive species. That just means we do things like go poop and not wash our hands. What could possibly go wrong? Our scientists have discovered beards that contain more fecal matter than toilets. And that’s important since expressions of identity via facial hair is are about 3-5 percent since 2009.”

If they look shocked I’ll simply extend my hand and see if they’re willing to shake it.

“We also stick our children in luggage at airports,” I’ll offer lamely and completely out of context.

“Welcome to Earth. We’re as ripe as an avocado at McDonald’s for the taking. This place is the pits. You may start your landing. All I ask is that I get to be the one guy to hang out with the sexy Cylons while you destroy everyone else. I mean my friends.”

Addendum: See what happens when I have nothing to say?

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

24 thoughts on “Darth Vader the Busybody

    1. I’ve tried – I mean really tried – but I’m unable to understand what Montana Wildhack means. Maybe if I was willing to open a new browser tab and search, but that’s too much effort.

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    1. McDonald’s has this new ad campaign about avocados that implies heaven for avocados is being masticated by humans at their establishments. Somehow I think the avocados might disagree. Avocados are people, too!

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  1. Well, you dug into the news and rewrote the dregs. I think that counts for something. Here, have this gold star.⭐️

    Now back to your craft. The written one. I offer you kudos, or you can have this box of half eaten “Cracker Jacks.” I’m in agreement on the prom insanity. There is proof right there in the midst of that mindset that shows we humans are the dimmest bulbs-in-the-box of the universe. Let’s spend hundreds of dollars to make Susie the “Star of her own show!” … It’s all about living the dream the parents missed out on because their own set of parents would have blasted out, “What? You want me to give you WHAT? Now why would we waste money for you to do, WHAT? How about this thought? Get off your lazy buttocks and earn the cash, and after you have, then ask yourself how much you really want to blow it out your a$$ for a “Night of keeping up with the Jone’s family?”

    Kids, got a luv ’em, but every now and then they need a taste of what really matters: food, a roof over their head and a set of parents willing to stand up and scream, “WHAT?”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For someone with nothing to say, you spoke volumes. As in the volume is way up on this post. *flinches and puts down her martini so she can cover her ears*

    And that thing about beards? Super gross. I always thought I didn’t like beards because of the leftovers hidden in them. I don’t like leftovers.

    Liked by 2 people

        1. You have failed to account for this in your imaginations:

          “Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one’s sexual orientation.” Source: Wikipedia.

          And fecal matter.

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  3. Reblogged this on upside of sideways and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, Tom pull out his Darth Vader outfit and squeezes out a post fit for a Jedi Knight. Is that a light saber in his pocket or is he just happy to see a comment for his post. To find out, head over to NWR. May the force be with you. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Darth Vader prank call bit seems oddly askew in this piece. Originally this post was going to be about Darth Vader calling a doctor and trying to tattle on a family member who needed treatment. Four out of five doctors who use SCUBA equipment to breathe agree.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank the good lord we didn’t have social media back when I went to the prom in 1988. My scary Aqua Netastic hair and shoulder pads would have broken the Internet.

    This was very entertaining. Keep up with the “nothing to say” writing.

    Liked by 1 person

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