Posted in Humor, She's A Maineiac, Views

Why I Should Be On Survivor

Survivor30logo

Survivor kicked off its 30th season last month with Worlds Apart set off the coast of Nicaragua. Once again I was glued to the TV like a contestant’s soggy underwear to their nether regions in the sweltering tropical heat. A few Mainers have competed on the show over the years, with one actually winning the grand prize. (Anyone remember BobBest season evah.)

This year we have this man to cheer on: Dan from Gorham.

survivor-2015-dan-foley-06
image: survivorfandom

Wow. Ayuh, he certainly looks like a true Maineiac. Some highlights of his quest for the million dollars: Nobody on his tribe can stand him, he peed on his own jelly fish sting and he’s free-balling it because he lost his undies in the ocean. Yee-ouch! Looks like he’s all chafed up with no place to go. I have no idea what that means.

Watching this middle-aged postal worker slog around the beach with his sweaty furry belly hanging out made me think, Dammit, if HE can do it, so can I! As luck would have it, I ALSO have a giant gut, and yes, it’s very furry and I can bitch and sweat like nobody’s business! (And if I had balls, you’d better believe I’d go commando, too.)

But before I send in my application, the rules of Survivor have to change slightly to accommodate me.

NEW SURVIVOR RULES

  1. Before my arrival entire area must be purged of spiders, no matter the size, and every single one sent to Exile Island.
  2. Before my arrival entire area must be purged of Russell Hantz and assorted Hantz relatives, no matter the size, and every single one sent to Exile Island.
  3. I must never be sent to Exile Island.

    Slide1
    My worst nightmare.
  4. My camp must be completely debugged and demonkeyed. As tantalizing at it sounds, Shirin, monkey sex is not a turn-on for me. But sloth sex? Fine in my book.
    Slide1
  5. Jeff Probst must never give his annoying play-by-play while I’m competing for rewards. Instead he will cheer, “GO DARLA! GO DARLA!” and wave a giant foam middle finger at the other contestants.
  6. All tribe rewards must be in the form of chocolate.
  7. I will be allowed to bring one luxury item from home and that item shall be a king-sized memory foam mattress with 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets embroidered with my fave celeb’s face.
    Slide1
  8. At every tribal council I will be permitted to stand up at random moments and scream Sue Hawk’s “You’re a snake and she’s the rat” speech directly at Jeff Probst but instead replace “snake” with “dick” and “rat” with “bastard”.
  9. At every tribal council I reserve the right to sit in Jeff Probst’s lap and whisper sweet nothings into his ear so I can make up for my most recent shameful outburst.
  10. At every tribal council whenever someone is voted off I will be allowed to do the cabbage patch dance, yell “Neener, neener!”, and blow raspberries directly into loser’s face while his/her torch is snuffed. After torch is snuffed I will be permitted to ceremoniously break torch in half then throw the pieces down like I’m dropping a mic while saying directly to the camera, “This is how I do.” (dramatic pause) “Boom.”
  11. No one is allowed to be completely naked at any time*. Except Jeff Probst, who shall be naked all the time.

If the producers of Survivor are reading this, and I know that they aren’t, please pick me to go on the next Survivor. I’m sure you could use yet another bitchy, sweaty, old fart like me on the tribe. This has been an especially long, cold, cruel winter here in Maine and nothing would cheer me up more than being voted off after three days.

Thank you.

*I will be naked the entire time.

_____________________________________________

Would you go on Survivor?
If yes, what would be your one luxury item from home?
If no, why not? It’s the spiders, isn’t it?

Advertisements

Author:

Just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl...

66 thoughts on “Why I Should Be On Survivor

  1. Hahahahaha! I am with you 10000000% with the banishing of all things that creep me out or scare the shit out of me from the island before I arrive with my bed and fresh linens. They really should let you on the island just for these demands….maybe they could have a challenge to win a night in your bed. The possibilities of the bed are endless! Go Darla!!!!

    Like

    1. I’ve watched nearly every single season and I always sit there on the couch and say to my husband, “I could do this! I can sleep on the ground!” Then they show a large tarantula creeping across a tree branch in slow motion and I’m like, “Nope. Nuh-uh.”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I swear I am not making this up: I’ve been lounging about in bed all morning, like I do, and planning to write about how my daughter and son-in-law should be on The Amazing Race and all the solid reasons they would be a great pick, EXCEPT they use pronouns correctly. The casting directors for these shows seem to pick contestants who do not understand pronouns. (Conspiracy to kill the English language? You decide.)

    Anyway.

    I fired up the ol’ desktop and your post was at the top of my reader. Sometimes me jumps on you and Peg-o-Leg’s wavelength and me is amazed. <—– It's killing I to leave that sentence there for "comic" effect.

    Anyway again.

    Your pronouns seem to be working properly. I will most certainly watch the show when you're on it, waving my foam finger furiously for alliterative effect, cheering "Darla and the sloth, sittin' in the tree!"

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I’ve watched that show since the very first season. It amazes me that the producers were able to find three entire tribes of people who all deserved to be voted off the very first episode. I would absolutely watch your version of Survivor, and not just to see you and Jeff Probst all pixilated and such. If they are able to purge the island of spiders and Hantz’s, could you send them over to my house? I’m pretty sure my basement is infested with those pests. I couldn’t be on Survivor because I’m too likeable. If I did somehow make the cut, my luxury item would be a composting toilet with a stack of sudoko’s and People Magazine crossword puzzles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, yes, a toilet is a good one! Forgot about that. I suppose contestants have to dig a hole and use a leaf when they go, right?

      I’ve watched nearly every single episode of Survivor but managed to miss one season but I had an excuse, I had a colicky newborn at the time and was severely sleep deprived.

      Like

  4. I can say in all honest, I have never in thirty (thirty?!? Really?!?) seasons watched a single episode of Survivor. I am, however, a little hacked that Survivor is still on the air while my favorite show ever (The West Wing), which premiered around the same time frame, is not.

    Not sure if that’s really pertinent to the conversation, but it had to be said.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on upside of sideways and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, Darla (who writes She’s A Maineiac) makes her debut appearance on NWR and talks about surveilling…sorry, SURVIVING being on Survivor. She’s the MacGyver of Survivor. Darla is worlds apart when it comes to outwitting, outplaying, and outlasting. Pretty much anything. Check out her first post for NWR now!

    Like

  6. Hate to admit that, like Nagzilla, me’ve never seen the show. Even without getting a single one of the inside jokes, you so funny, be-atch, me’d vote for you to be the one sacrificed to the volcano gods. That’s a good thing, right?
    You know Deb at Monster in My Closet, her hubby was on like the first season. Bet he could give you lots of tips.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are a lot of us who have survived a long time without ever seeing Survivor. Yay on us. Except that all of our TV shows are gone and this one survives. How can that be?

      Like

    2. WHAT THE? Yet another person who has never seen it?! I am outraged! This show has it all, Peggles! The backstabbing, the blindsides, the bitching. It’s always been one of my all-time fave shows.

      I do know all about Deb’s Survivor hubby Anthony! He actually tweeted about one of my older Survivor posts. And he answered one of my questions about his experience on Deb’s blog.

      I was hoping he’d stumble upon this post, then tweet it straight to Jeff Probst. Then Jeff would immediately call me up and offer me a spot on the next Survivor: Maine Polar Vortex Edition.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Come on in, guys! Nudge Wink tribe getting it’s first look at the new correspondent. Darla voted in at the last tribal council. Ready for today’s challenge? First I’ll take back the immunity idol. Today’s challenge is for reward. Want to know what you’re playing for? Spider repellant. Worth playing for? Survivors ready. Go!

    You gotta dig deep. You gotta want it.

    Fire represents life on this blog. With that, it’s time to vote.

    Like you, I’m a big fan. I’ve actually had dreams where I’m hanging out with Jeff Probst. I’ve researched making an audition tape. I’m friends with a real Survivor online. I even did a 39-day Survivor food challenge where I lived on beans and rice. I lost ten percent of my body weight. I’ve seen every show. No one messes with my life on Survivor night. What? You’re dying? I’ll be with you in about an hour.

    Yes, I remember Bob! He’s the guy who looked like Bill Nye, right? He seemed like a really good guy, too. A good representative for the Great State of Maine. Speaking of which…

    Dan. Ugh.

    “I’m a postal worker. If there’s one thing we know, it’s how to work hard.”

    Orly?!

    So “white collar” vs. “blue collar” vs. “no collar.” Sadly they excluded me by not offering a “ring-around-the-collar” tribe. Dirty bastards.

    Most of the people this season are completely unlikable. I did like the female cop who just got voted off. Joe is okay, I guess. Other than that, a whole lotta “meh.”

    Why you should be on the show? So you can eat out of a pot used to boil some dude’s plantar wart on his foot, that’s why! Mmm mmm, that’s good. Just like mom used to make.

    I’ll see you next season on “Battle of the Portlandias: West Coast vs. East Coast.” I’ll be the guy leading the enemy tribe.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. YEAH! That’s what I’m talking about! Another true fan. When Bob won, I swear to you I jumped up and down screaming. I was the only one watching it in the living room at the time and everyone else was asleep so it was a quiet scream but still. I was a bit excited when he won. I’m not sure Dan the postal man from Gorham is going to last another week.

      I have loved this show from the very first season with naked Hatch (or should I say in spite of naked Hatch…) I missed one season completely though and I still can’t believe I did.

      And yes, my prediction for this season to win it all: Joe or Jenn.

      I would love a Survivor The Portlands Edition. I bet Oregon would kick our ass.

      Naw, just kidding. We’d kick yours.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But, for me, the recap I have received of several seasons of Survivor from the comment section of this blog is MORE than enough! 😉 I’m not a survivor fan. The farthest I ever got into reality TV was about 7 seasons of Biggest Loser (and the occasional interest in about 10 minutes of Hoarders, Buried Alive), but then I heard all about what really goes on and realized (face-palm) nothing on TV is “real”! *roll eyes*

        Congrats on the blog promotion, Darla! No one deserves it more than you, and if they let you on Survivor, I guess I might even watch it – just for the humor factor alone – you funny! 😀

        -C

        Like

  8. I’ve never watched a single episode, but if you do make it to the show, I will, just to see how you plan on dealing with all the remaining snakes, scorpions, centipedes, sharks, and all other fun creatures you forgot to include in your contract.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m with X, and Peg and Nagzilla and don’t watch the show (or ANY reality shows I say in my best “holier than thou” Connecticut way.

    But like X, I would watch you. And I would cheer you. And I would not wave a foam middle finger at the other contestants but two real, live middle fingers. Because I am that good a friend.

    IN fact, I think we can organize political campaign-style meet ups for Darla fans all over the country to watch and cheer. (and not for the spiders.)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I watched the earlier shows, haven’t for some time now, ever since they kept bringing back someone who had already competed. That totally turned me off. But, if you were to be on the show, I’d definitely (not, well, maybe defiantly) watch you in action!

    Like

  11. I have tried to understand my obsession with Survivor but I can’t wrap my mind around it. I hardly watch any TV at all. I hate saying that because it makes me sound like a snob but that’s not it. I simply don’t have the time. But I never, ever, ever miss an episode of Survivor. It’s been that way since the first season. I don’t understand it. It’s like the worst aspects of high school, which maybe explains its appeal. I hope you abandon your silly and unreasonable requirements and land a spot.

    Like

    1. I’m the same, I don’t watch a lot of TV shows, there are a few that I can’t miss. Survivor has always been at the top of the list. Every season I say I won’t get sucked in again and I do. This season is good so far. I still can’t believe Dan is there. Probably a good thing I’ll never go on the show because I would be the first one voted off for sure.

      Like

      1. Maybe there’s a support group that can wean us off. This can’t be healthy, right? I mean…what’s to become of out poor children?

        Congrats on your Field Reporter gig but, if you don’t mind my saying, this the worst comment section layout/design I’ve ever seen. You should see how this displays on my iPhone.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it’s got everything. What’s not to like? I can’t believe some people have never seen it. I also like the no collars the best. The blue collars and white collars are both a bit too arrogant for me. I really think a no collar is going to win the whole thing.

      Like

  12. You and Jeff both naked at the same time?
    Can you say ratings?

    First time out of the gate and you hit a slam-dunk, award-winning, world-tilting, laugh-inducing, sloth-o-rama of a post.

    I am one smart HR person. *grin*

    Like

    1. Well, thank you. Sloth-o-rama is what I do best.

      And if I was naked on Survivor I’m afraid ratings would plummet into the negatives rather fast. Middle age and childbirth has not been kind to this body. But if Richard Hatch can do it ….

      Like

  13. Well first, congrats on your new gig, Darlarrific!! But agree with above poster about ridiculous format on my phone.

    I watch Survivor every week with my son. He loves it. But I could never go on there. I am way too much of a snarky smartass to survive for long, and just the thought of camping (in a tent with a sleeping bag, no less), makes me break out in hives. Sleeping outside on a pile of sticks? Nuh-uh, no way.

    I am a Joe or Jenn fan, but not sure how much longer they will make it. They are smart but maybe a bit too laid back to get far. Hope I’m wrong.

    Like

    1. Ridiculous format, huh? I’ll have to check this out on my iPhone later. Just as soon as I can figure out how to turn it on.

      Yeah, as much as I gush about this show, I wouldn’t survive the helicopter ride to the island.

      You’re probably right about Joe and Jenn. joe will get voted off because he’s so young and a physical threat. Jenn will get voted off because she used up her only idol and now the blue collars hate her.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’ve never actually watched Survivor, but if you make it on the show, I promise to watch every week, yell “Go Darla!” at appropriate intervals, and eat chocolate whenever a chocolate tribal reward is bestowed. Actually, as an even deeper display of solidarity, I’ll just eat chocolate throughout the show.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have often thought that Survivor lacked the quintessential horror of horrors: children. Any island without children is a vacation. I’ll take spiders and monkey sex if it means a break from parenting.

    Like

  16. Fantastic, Darla! Congratulations. Yes, rule number 1 is critical to your acute case of arachnophobia (visions of you hitting a spider with a giant sneaker). I share your phobia so that would have to be number 1 on my list as well. 🙂 Very funny.

    Like

  17. Sorry, but there is not enough money in the world for me to go on the show. Well, maybe if I got $200,000,000.00 tax free I’d do it, and make sure I got voted off during the first vote. I couldn’t make it any longer than that without my Tempurpedic mattress and Egyptian cotton sheets.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. While I’ve been addicted to the show for years, and would fight you (in a sanctioned Survivor challenge arena– that rigged to let me win, cause you’re younger) for Jeff Probst, I realized a long time ago that even a million dollars would not worth playing Survivor. Bugs, heat, assholes, models… um, not worth it. But loved the post! 😉

    Like

  19. Never seen it. But if you get picked, I’ll add it to my Netflix queue when it becomes available…several months later. Spideys? What’s wrong with spideys?

    Like

  20. My luxury item would be a private plane to whisk me away whenever I felt like leaving the island. I’m with you, Darla, on making sure the island is purged of spiders AND any other objectionable creepy, crawling, slithering insect. 😉

    Like

Nudge us with a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s