Hello boys and girls!
Management here with some spectacular news. Blinding. Blog-world changing. Seriously. This will bring a tear to your eyes. One eye for sure.
We have it on good authority from our minion in HR that Darla, writer of She’s a Maineiac, and Peg, author of Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings are ready to sign their iron-clad, in perpetuity, 174-page binding contracts to become Field Reporters on The Nudge Wink Report.
Word is, they would have signed already but a fight broke out next to the water cooler over who gets the parking spot next to Oma. As a retired police officer, Oma still has “connections” and one of them (our lawyers insist we can’t say who) has a donut sack of unpaid parking tickets she’d like some help with.
Tom and Dave are busy
hiding their beef jerky stash sprucing up the office and playing “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to see who gets to sit next to Peg. And they both look suspiciously fresh. Like they took a shower or something. Dave…is that hair gel in your hair? And, look, Tom’s put the toilet seat down. (We haven’t told Darla and Peg it’s a unisex bathroom. We don’t want to scare them their first day.)
Oma has decided that Darla can have his chair, as it’s the only one in the office that doesn’t squeak. He was having a bit of trouble getting rid of the gum under the seat and has gone off to look for a paint scraper. That was last week and he’s still not back. We’ve sent the intern out to recce local donut shops.
Of course Floridaborne is doing what she does best. Hiding all the post-it notes and setting up “blogger-cams” around the office so she’s got some leverage come performance appraisal time. Although as the NWR Adventure Reporter, it’s not like she has to worry about any of the staff making a play for her title. She’s the only one who’s ever been on a plane and knows you don’t antagonize the flight attendants by tossing peanuts at passengers then looking around pretending to help spot the culprit.
Then Blogdramedy came asking for petty cash to buy a bottle of bubbly. *sigh* We explained that petty cash is not in the budget and she called us some colorful names before getting out the key to her hidden desk drawer, muttering something about updating her résumé. Like BD would ever give us the satisfaction of leaving so we didn’t have to listen to her go on, and on, and on, about equality in the workplace and equal pay for equal work. That one is a balls buster.
An email has just come in from HR. We have signed contracts! Now it’s official, you can go check out their bios here. And if you’d like to ask them why they said yes, ask in the comment section below. Or better yet, send in your question to “Ask NWR” and we’ll all answer.
Welcome, Peg and Darla, to The Nudge Wink Report!