Posted in Humor, Shouts from the Abyss, Views

The Place Beyond The Whines

Oh. Hi there. Please, come in. While you do I’ll cinch up my robe just a little bit tighter. I know you weren’t planning on visiting the gap. There. That’s better, I hope.

Welcome to my humble cabin in the woods here on Mount Hood. I like to call it our Mountain Bungalow. Why? Anything that starts with “bung” has gots to be good. At least that’s what the Theory of Smuckers tells me.

You’re right on time. My Casio wristwatch tells me that it’s oh-my-god-it’s early. I couldn’t sleep, either. There’s a dead calm nestled heavily in the forest surrounding us and the first feeble rays of morning light are just starting to creep in and tickle the treetops. But down here, on the forest floor, it’s just the right amount of mood lighting. Yawn. I guess you don’t really appreciate the sound of those incessant Portland trains until they’re gone.

I’m glad you stopped by unannounced. Make yourself at home? Coffee? I’d love some. The pot is over there. I was just starting to work on this blog post. You’re just in time to watch. Lucky you.

Besides getting fully dressed my first problem is coming up with a topic. You’d think it would be easy but it’s not.

By the way, no home computer here. This post is written 100% on an iPad. Since the practice of waterboarding has been shunned, blogging on an iPad is now the #1 form of torture among elite countries the world over. Every keystroke is exquisitely delayed as the computer tries in vain to guess the next word and is always wrong. Any errors in this piece must be blamed on the goddamned iPad.

Thinking myself clever I googled “blog post ideas.” That’s about the same time I suddenly started craving the small hatchet provided here in the cabin, the one that can’t even handle kindling, and take it out for a test drive on my skull. Technology is that which exists solely to thwart our every whim.

One of the results looked interesting. “124 blog post prompts & ideas on Pinterest.” Hmm. That looks good. What the hell. I think I’ll click it.

I bet right about now you’re watching this in rapt fascination and thinking to yourself, the writing process is stunningly more boring that I ever imagined. It bodes well that you’re so observant. Make yourself useful and top off my coffee.

The browser is now showing something that looks like Pinterest but it’s blocked by a huge box that says, “For the best experience you must install our app.” Sadly I’m unable to locate the “fuck you” button so monkey touch screen hoping for a banana until box go away.

Aha! There is the content. Finally. At long last. There she is! And not so wounded as we were led to believe. So much the better.

Yes, I’m doing the unthinkable and surfing Pinterest as a web page. I’m able to see shitloads of stupid crappy boxes. Neat.

I pick one that promises “50 Orglamorous Tips To Blow The Heads Off Your Readers.” I mean, fifty should be enough, right? And having you all keel over dead would be nice. I reach out and finger my screen for a second time.

Voila! Suddenly I’m presented with a page that has nothing to do with 50 Orglamorous Tips To Blow The Heads Off Your Readers. Why am I not surprised? Oh, Pinterest. Is there anything you can do?

I decide to open the page in the app. “Uncle,” I shout to the sky while twisting my own arm behind my back.

I somehow crawl my way to a search box. The process looks exactly like that airplane crash movie out in the woods but I’m only about half as bloody. Shakily I enter “Orglamorous” into the box.

Suddenly floating before me like a mirage in the desert is the actual article. I double-tap over to my writing app and get a blank page ready. It’s go time!

Then I switch back to Pinterest. The page I was viewing is gone. Pinterest is now pushing its home page on me like Girl Scouts outside a grocery store. I’ve been had!

I roll up my sleeves and begin the process anew. After all, I’m a writer.

The second time, however, I copy that shit down while I have the chance. I have the ability to learn from my mistakes. And this is what it said:

“1. Share a behind-the-scenes look of your blog or business.”

But that’s what I just did?!

Fuck it. My work here is done. I quit.

Addendum: Not quite. Copy and paste added extra lines. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! TouchΓ©.



The Guru of Negativity

24 thoughts on “The Place Beyond The Whines

  1. Pinterest is like crack for anyone who has a spare five minutes but really have a spare five hours. It’s the rabbit hole of the Internet. I know. I’ve been lost down there before.

    Thanks Shouts for stepping up and earning your pay for this week. Your fellow Field Reporters salute you. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You have a cabin in the woods? You are clearly a creep! On the plus side, Multnomah Falls! And hot tubs are super-awesome. Before we had kids who could drown in it and had to drain the thing, I used to get into the tub first thing every morning and read or listen to an audiobook. Supa-sweet.

    I’ve attempted blog posts on my iPad. Except for video posts, it hasn’t really worked for me. Kudos to you.

    I don’t get Pinterest, but it’s refreshing to hear a male talk about it. My wife is always showing me cool carnivorous plant photos she finds on it, so I know it’s got that going for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I bought a cabin in the woods on the two-day plan. It’s mine, all mine. I’m being told my 48 hours are up and now I have to go.

      If I didn’t make it clear I deeply regret my involvement with Pinterest. They just made my list. I think I’ll make a pin about that.


  3. Hiding in the woods and you failed to invite us along? I would have made coffee. I would have brought the good stuff too, (Celebes). Oh well, at least you had Pnterest as company.

    I’m too danged lazy to walk fifteen steps to the computer, so these days I cozy down under the electric blanket and let my iPad have its way with me. One of these days I’ll get the hang of it, but something tells me that WordPress and Apple are going to have to dumb it down for us imbeciles a bit if they want anything related to creative expression formatting. The autocorrect is in need of a full bottle of White-Out code.

    Be careful walking out of the woods in your hazmat suit. Folks foraging for mushrooms may mistake you for an alien. OMG! There’s your blog topic!

    You’re welcome.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, it was a cabin for six but there were only the two of us. I thought about a Twitter contest to fill the other four spots. That would have been epic.

      The keyboard, the word suggest feature and yes, even auto-correct, conspired to make the writing experience on the iPad true Hell on Earth. What a nightmare. It was horrible. It should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

      I’m going to use your blog prompt idea. Thanks. I think I’ll call it “The Truffle Kerfuffle.” What do you think?! Don’t worry. You’ll be credited as Muse.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dang, I never thought about raising a ruckus in Switzerland. Geneva it is! (Can you imagine the problems encountered by others using foreign languages? You know their headache has to be as large as ours.)
        Today’s fun journey is the IOS 8.2 update … Yesterday it was Verizon claiming I was clueless. Hmm, maybe Apple was running a few sample tests on the wild frontier of Texas a bit early? Fer sure.
        I like that Twitter feed idea. You could have charged rent for their use of the 140 characters and limited their uptime. Personally, I think I would have rented their space out with a minimum of several hundred tweets a day. Good way to make some extra cents.
        Happy grilled cheese day to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Can I have your permission to just copy and past your post for my first post on here? If not I’m afraid I might be forced to write mine on my teeny tiny iPhone as it’s the only device left to use once my kids come home from school.

    Liked by 1 person

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