Today on The Nudge Wink Report, I take a look at some of the stories that made the news this week. One headline is fake. The rest are not. I wrote up a possible scenario for each headline. See if you can spot the outlier.
The app that helps you CHEAT! Headline: HideMyPhone lets you rent mobile numbers for secret lovers – and all evidence can be wiped at the touch of a button.
Steven M. from Lexington: As a chicken farmer, I’m constantly approached by women looking for a good piece of meat. I’ve developed a bit of a reputation around these parts as a man who can deliver but I have to be careful. One misdial on my phone and my business would hit the deep fryer. Thankfully, there’s now an app for that.
HideMyPhone lets me keep abreast of each woman’s needs with no fear they’ll find out they’re not the only one in my flock. This app has freed me from the daily grind of mixing up orders and the henpecking has gone way down.
My wife is now thinking about adding this app to her smart phone. She says that with me gone all day, she’s thinking about starting her own business servicing the cattle men in the area. HideMyPhone will help steer her career in the right direction. Thanks!
That’s Not A Drone. That’s My Daddy! Headline: Drone Parenting — Moms and Dads across the United States now have another choice when it comes to parenting options.
Marcy B. from Detroit: I know I speak for most of the parents at my children’s school. There isn’t enough time in the day what with school runs, after school programs, ballet, jazz, judo, music lessons, doctors appointments, play dates, tutoring, and meetings with school counsellors.
Now I’m no longer a helicopter parent. I’m a drone parent.
We want the best for our kids so we over schedule our time and we grownups are missing out on some quality alone time. I could cut down on some of my kids activities and spend more time with them one-on-one but why should I? With a drone, I can monitor my kids 24 hours a day right from my computer or smart phone. So if their Dad is in a meeting or I’m chilling with a cold cocktail with the girls after work, we can still see Bobby score that goal, or make sure Becky does her homework without actually being there in person.
I’m convinced that having a drone as part of the family will bring us closer together. From a distance.
What’s In YOUR Suitcase? Headline: The staggering menagerie two Japanese men tried to smuggle in their suitcases include: 110 turtles, 21 snakes, nine geckos, and four woodchuck.
Statistics show that 75 per cent of all restaurants fail. That’s why you need to be on the leading edge when it comes to fulfilling the food fantasy of your customers. Ho and Mo of HO & MO Japanese Noodle Factory are killing it with their unique take on mystery meat. Cat is so yesterday and customers have developed a knack for distinguishing the difference between Tabby and Siamese. It was time to shake up the menu.
Unfortunately, the customs officers at Japan’s main airport had rather an uneducated palate and confiscated Ho and Mo’s suitcase before they could dish up a new menu at their restaurant. Customs declined to say what they plan to do with the animals. There are unsubstantiated reports that four of the geckos, and one woodchuck, have died. No news yet on who ate who.
A Titanic Love! Headline: Music fan who made neighbors’ lives a misery by blasting out Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On at full volume has his speakers seized for a THIRD time.
They say that music soothes the savage beast but not apparently the beast that lives next door.
Next door neighbor: When he first moved in, I worried when I saw the size of his speakers. They’re MASSIVE. And not just two. He’s got them in surround sound set up in his living room and the man never shuts his windows.
At first I didn’t mind. Like for the first week. I’m not a big fan of Celine Dion but she does have quite the voice and it was nice. Sitting in the garden with a glass of wine listening to some of her love songs. But then it started. At first I thought he was listening to vinyl and the record had gotten stuck. Because he played the same song over and over and over.
After listening to My Heart Will Go On 183 times over three days, I finally cracked and called the police. When they showed up I admit I was disappointed when they started talking about how much they loved the song and was there something wrong with me. It only took 20 minutes before they changed their tune and took away his speakers.
It’s been two months and the police are back for the third time. I don’t know what they hope to accomplish by taking away his speakers. Again. What they need to do is take him away and leave the speakers. I have the complete collection of Dolly Parton’s hits that I just know MY neighbors would love to hear.
The Great White Briefs. Headline: Canadian politician leaves parliament during vote because the underpants he bought for half-price were TOO TIGHT.
If you want proof that politicians are stupid, look no further than Ottawa, Canada.
The great debate in the great white north this week was all about cheap jockey shorts and the man who wore them. You’d think with the salary MPs make, he could afford to buy brand name briefs that fit.
Obviously there’s more to this story. But so far, Canadian reporters seem reluctant to peel back the waist band and have a closer look. Were the briefs really that tight that he had to leave before voting? Was he being blackmailed? Was he blackmailing someone in parliament? Was that why the pants were too tight? They were packed with money?
It’s Canadian politics gone wild and the Canadian people should demand that the RCMP start an investigation into this tighty whitey mystery.
Always Prepared! Headline: Ashton Kutcher reveals he always brings a huge prosthetic penis everywhere with him.
Staff at the Beverly Wiltshire Hotel got a surprise on Tuesday when Ashton Kutcher’s suitcase popped open in the front lobby. At first glance, it was thought that the AirBNB investor was dealing in sausage smuggling. Then the receptionist, who was secretly watching “Fifty Shades of Grey” on her iPad behind the check-in desk noticed a similarly between what was in Ashton’s bag and what was on her screen.
Seems Ashton isn’t as big in Hollywood as he’d like and has a need to always be the biggest dick in the room.
One of these things is not like the other. Can you guess?