And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we around The Nudge Wink Report call a groaner of a joke.
Thank you, thank you. Hold the applause. ‘Cause I’ll be here all week. Chained to my desk.
Google the name “Oscar” and you get quite the list of people born with perhaps the most obscure name in every baby book ever printed. Who today names their child Oscar? Certainly no one in Hollywood.
Celebs are more likely to go with directional signage or fruit.
The only Oscar on everyone’s mind this week is the short guy who went a little crazy with the gold glitter paint who also forgot to pull on his big boy pants. The short, bald dude who doesn’t look fat but must carry some serious muscle weight ’cause he’s a hefty sucker.
He blew the dust off his butt this week because the list of nominations for this year’s Oscars dropped and suddenly he’s in huge demand.
I don’t know what the management of NWR was thinking when they
beat me into submission asked me to write this week’s blog post. They know I can’t afford to go to the movies. Mostly because they pay shit and are too tight with the cash to cough up a couple of movie vouchers to matinee performances.
So here I am, the only person in the office who has not seen any of the movies up for contention and they expect me to pull some kind of miracle out of my butt without squawking.
They are going to so rue the day they decided to give me the short straw.
I’m going to use my secret spidey sense to tell you what these moves could be about and which one is likely to bring home the
weiner Oscar for best picture this year. See if you can spot the intermingling of movies and genres. *grin*
If I’m right, I hope you’ll write management with a demand that they put a little something extra in my pay packet that I can use to buy something. And not the exquisite set of beer can pull-tab earrings they tried to foist off on me the last time they needed a blogging miracle.
I am not god. Although I can look angelic in the right light. If you squint your eyes. From about a mile away.
Belly up. Here goes nothing.
The Grand Budapest Hotel —a slightly seedy hotel located in Tibet run by Buddhists who are having a pest infestation problem. At times it’s difficult to see who’s doing what due to the wafting clouds of incense. Odds of winning? I don’t know. Better call Orkin at 1-800-EWW-BUGS.
Selma — the story of Selma, younger sister to Thelma (of Thelma & Lousie) who, after the untimely death of her sister from driving over a cliff, decided to become a cave diver for Spelunkers Anonymous. Because she wanted a job where she could climb her way to the top. Odds of winning? Depends on how fast this film can “rappel” the competition.
Whiplash — an in-depth, #FoxNewsFacts fabrication of what really happens when you sign up for Obamacare and are then involved in a hit & run in Washington. Fully funded by Republicans, for Republicans. Executive producers, Republicans. Story by Republicans. Original score by the Tea Party. Directed by Mitch M. & John B. Productions. Costume and set design by Democrats because they insisted some part of this film have good taste. Odds of winning? Think Congress and Senate and you’ll have your answer.
American Sniper — loosely based on the real life dramatic story of a part-time comic who just can’t find his happy place. His wife’s a bitch, his boss is a bully. Nothing ever goes right and he spends night after night, up on the stage in a dive of a comedy club, moaning and sniping about what a dark tunnel of misery and foulness his life is. Ever since his application to barber college was denied. Because, goddamn it, if he can’t snip hair for a living, he’s going to snipe about it. Odds of winning? It’s a possible. By as much as a shave and a haircut, give or take two bits.
The Imitation Game — the story of a girl with a really big butt who finds fame and fortune on #Instagram by being a selfie whore. Day after day, she does her squats and contorts her body into uncomfortable positions so she doesn’t let her legion of overly-stimulated, testosterone-fueled stud wannabes down. All goes well until the day a girl with an even bigger butt shows up and it’s game on! It’s a fight to the finish to see who will “clench” the title as Instagram’s Thong Mistress. Odds of winning? Large. Huge. You could say the odds were well rounded in this film’s favor.
Boyhood — a touching story about a young boy and his hoodie. Filmed over 12 years, the movie is a testament to the strength and determination of young Robin as he grows into manhood without ever taking off his hoodie. He sleeps in it. He eats in it. He goes to school, plays tee-ball, learns to drive, and has his first self-directed orgasm in the same hoodie. Day in, day out. Sometimes as much as three times a day. (The movie is rated PG18). There’s quite a bit of crying in this film. Mostly by his mother (and his dad every other weekend) standing over the Maytag, holding a bottle of liquid Tide. It’s not until he meets Marion and she tells him it’s time to give his hoodie to the poor or he’ll never get a little something of what she’s got to give. Odds of winning? Low. It’s a bit of a wash.
Birdman — one of the few horror films nominated for an Academy Award, this film makes you feel like the sky is falling. It’s dark and brooding. There’s a lot of feather flying and clucking noises in the background. You’re about 45 minutes into the movie before the audience realizes that what they are seeing is a cage. A bird cage. And inside this cage is a man. A birdman. An anatomically-correct birdman. He’s a man, who’s a bird. He is…a BIRDMAN. If you have a budgie at home, you may not want to go see this one. Odds of winning? It’s definitely in the pecking order of possibility.
The Theory of Everything — think Big Bang meets the Mars Land Rover when they hang out together on Pluto, a dwarf planet, during a midget-tossing game. It’s a tear-jerker of a romantic dramedy. There’s science mixed with fantasy mixed with religion mixed with politics mixed with genetic modification mixed with lost love (and found love) all mixed up together in a dizzingly gripping space time continuum of constellation consternation. Odds of winning? High. This film has gravity.
Finally, a pictorial selection of Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress.
With captions and everything.
When you get to the comment section, let us know who you think will get to take home the golden boy. Man. Statue. Whatever.