Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor, News

Is that Oscar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we around The Nudge Wink Report call a groaner of a joke.

Thank you, thank you. Hold the applause. ‘Cause I’ll be here all week. Chained to my desk.

Google the name “Oscar” and you get quite the list of people born with perhaps the most obscure name in every baby book ever printed. Who today names their child Oscar? Certainly no one in Hollywood.

Celebs are more likely to go with directional signage or fruit.

The only Oscar on everyone’s mind this week is the short guy who went a little crazy with the gold glitter paint who also forgot to pull on his big boy pants. The short, bald dude who doesn’t look fat but must carry some serious muscle weight ’cause he’s a hefty sucker.

He blew the dust off his butt this week because the list of nominations for this year’s Oscars dropped and suddenly he’s in huge demand.

I don’t know what the management of NWR was thinking when they beat me into submission asked me to write this week’s blog post. They know I can’t afford to go to the movies. Mostly because they pay shit and are too tight with the cash to cough up a couple of movie vouchers to matinee performances.

So here I am, the only person in the office who has not seen any of the movies up for contention and they expect me to pull some kind of miracle out of my butt without squawking.

They are going to so rue the day they decided to give me the short straw.

I’m going to use my secret spidey sense to tell you what these moves could be about and which one is likely to bring home the weiner Oscar for best picture this year. See if you can spot the intermingling of movies and genres. *grin*

If I’m right, I hope you’ll write management with a demand that they put a little something extra in my pay packet that I can use to buy something. And not the exquisite set of beer can pull-tab earrings they tried to foist off on me the last time they needed a blogging miracle.

I am not god. Although I can look angelic in the right light. If you squint your eyes. From about a mile away.

Belly up. Here goes nothing.

Best Picture

Eight really is enough.
EIGHT REALLY IS ENOUGH ALREADY.

The Grand Budapest Hotel —a slightly seedy hotel located in Tibet run by Buddhists who are having a pest infestation problem. At times it’s difficult to see who’s doing what due to the wafting clouds of incense. Odds of winning? I don’t know. Better call Orkin at 1-800-EWW-BUGS.

Selmathe story of Selma, younger sister to Thelma (of Thelma & Lousie) who, after the untimely death of her sister from driving over a cliff, decided to become a cave diver for Spelunkers Anonymous. Because she wanted a job where she could climb her way to the top. Odds of winning? Depends on how fast this film can “rappel” the competition.

Whiplashan in-depth, #FoxNewsFacts fabrication of what really happens when you sign up for Obamacare and are then involved in a hit & run in Washington. Fully funded by Republicans, for Republicans. Executive producers, Republicans. Story by Republicans. Original score by the Tea Party. Directed by Mitch M. & John B. Productions. Costume and set design by Democrats because they insisted some part of this film have good taste. Odds of winning? Think Congress and Senate and you’ll have your answer.

American Sniperloosely based on the real life dramatic story of a part-time comic who just can’t find his happy place. His wife’s a bitch, his boss is a bully. Nothing ever goes right and he spends night after night, up on the stage in a dive of a comedy club, moaning and sniping about what a dark tunnel of misery and foulness his life is. Ever since his application to barber college was denied. Because, goddamn it, if he can’t snip hair for a living, he’s going to snipe about it. Odds of winning? It’s a possible. By as much as a shave and a haircut, give or take two bits.

The Imitation Gamethe story of a girl with a really big butt who finds fame and fortune on #Instagram by being a selfie whore. Day after day, she does her squats and contorts her body into uncomfortable positions so she doesn’t let her legion of overly-stimulated, testosterone-fueled stud wannabes down. All goes well until the day a girl with an even bigger butt shows up and it’s game on! It’s a fight to the finish to see who will “clench” the title as Instagram’s Thong Mistress. Odds of winning? Large. Huge. You could say the odds were well rounded in this film’s favor.

Boyhood a touching story about a young boy and his hoodie. Filmed over 12 years, the movie is a testament to the strength and determination of young Robin as he grows into manhood without ever taking off his hoodie. He sleeps in it. He eats in it. He goes to school, plays tee-ball, learns to drive, and has his first self-directed orgasm in the same hoodie. Day in, day out. Sometimes as much as three times a day. (The movie is rated PG18). There’s quite a bit of crying in this film. Mostly by his mother (and his dad every other weekend) standing over the Maytag, holding a bottle of liquid Tide. It’s not until he meets Marion and she tells him it’s time to give his hoodie to the poor or he’ll never get a little something of what she’s got to give. Odds of winning? Low. It’s a bit of a wash.

Birdmanone of the few horror films nominated for an Academy Award, this film makes you feel like the sky is falling. It’s dark and brooding. There’s a lot of feather flying and clucking noises in the background. You’re about 45 minutes into the movie before the audience realizes that what they are seeing is a cage. A bird cage. And inside this cage is a man. A birdman. An anatomically-correct birdman. He’s a man, who’s a bird. He is…a BIRDMAN. If you have a budgie at home, you may not want to go see this one. Odds of winning? It’s definitely in the pecking order of possibility.

The Theory of Everythingthink Big Bang meets the Mars Land Rover when they hang out together on Pluto, a dwarf planet, during a midget-tossing game. It’s a tear-jerker of a romantic dramedy. There’s science mixed with fantasy mixed with religion mixed with politics mixed with genetic modification mixed with lost love (and found love) all mixed up together in a dizzingly gripping space time continuum of constellation consternation. Odds of winning? High. This film has gravity. 

Finally, a pictorial selection of Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress.

With captions and everything.

When you get to the comment section, let us know who you think will get to take home the golden boy. Man. Statue. Whatever.

FOUR GUYS AND A WEDDING!
FOUR GUYS AND A WEDDING!

FOUR GIRLS AND A WEDDING!
FOUR GIRLS AND A WEDDING!

WE'LL STOP WEARING BLACK WHEN THEY MAKE A DARKER COLOR.
WE’LL STOP WEARING BLACK WHEN THEY MAKE A DARKER COLOR.

THEY ARE USING THEIR EXCITED FACES! CAN'T YOU TELL?
THEY ARE USING THEIR EXCITED FACES! CAN’T YOU TELL?
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Author:

Blogdramedy is a recovering communications specialist who now spends her days helping non-profits communicate effectively. They rarely listen to her advice. When she's not doing that, she writes Upside of Sideways and is a field reporter for The Nudge Wink Report -- both on WordPress. https://upsidesideways.wordpress.com https://nudgewinkreport.wordpress.com

15 thoughts on “Is that Oscar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  1. Thanks for this as I also haven’t seen a single movie this past year (aside from Frozen a million times).

    As for the nominations, I have a prediction: Meryl will be nominated for every year in the future until kingdom come.

    Like

    1. I haven’t seen Frozen but I feel like I have. Some kind of Disney mind meld osmosis thingy.

      Meryl is awesomeness wrapped up in fabulousness and should automatically win everything. Even strip poker. Especially strip poker.

      I need coffee.

      Like

  2. I’m glad I kept the receipt for the beer can tab ear rings. As usual, I haven’t seen any of the movies which were nominated, and I’ve only heard of a couple of them – If every third commercial on TV wasn’t for American Sniper, I might have heard of even fewer. As usual, I’ll be missing the Oscars again this year, and then writing bitter sarcastic posts about it afterwards.
    Here are some predictions of my own:
    Steve Carell – Best prosthetic nose
    Bradley Cooper – Best Hollywood name that might actually be real
    Golden Globe – Best award statue
    Kim Kardashian – Best job of showing up at an awards ceremony for an industry she’s not involved in.
    Upside of Sideways – Best change of blog name while still finding an excuse to put the word “dramedy” in one of her new posts.

    Like

    1. Love this! Especially Bradley and KK. (I’m sorry. I have yet to click on a story about her and I can’t even say her name she is like sooo not cool.)

      Have you noticed? Her and her husband? Their combined initials are KKK. Why has no sleazy media outlet picked up on this. They need to hire me.

      I need even more coffee.

      Like

  3. See, the Oscar’s confuse me. Is it for movies from the year past or the coming year or strictly for what’s playing now or is it just a mad jumble of whatever they want to nominate from whenever? I’m so confused! Make it stop! The madness! *falls over*

    Like

    1. The members of the Academy all get together for a game of Naked Twister. Whoever wins gets to pick the movies, actors, etc. for nomination.

      How’s THAT for a visual. *covers her eyes and runs screaming from the room*

      Like

  4. Thanks for saving me from having to see these movies. I haven’t seen even one of them.
    I think American Sniper will win for movie and Best Actor. What can I say…Americans love their guns (so I’m told).
    Best Actress…the Redhead.
    Best Supporting Actor…the one that looks like he could have been a Redhead when he was younger.
    Best Supporting Actress…the Redhead (although we all know Streep will get what ever she is nominated for).
    Yeah, I’m partial to Redheads.

    Like

    1. You are welcome. Just part of my job…saving people from life’s little chores. I’ll make note of your choices and if your picks win, you get the dubious honor of either writing a guest post or asking a question that one of our fine reporters will research and answer right here on The Nudge Wink Report. Then we all win! *grin*

      Liked by 1 person

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