Guest-blog by Matt at Shithead Central
It’s 2015, you’ve resolved once again to lose the weight, “make a lifestyle change,” “get healthier,” or however you have to sell it to yourself to make it feel different this time.
Learning the basics of how a body functions and form a reasonable weight loss plan has so many painstaking requirements:
- Own a computer.
- Know what Google is.
- Be able to read.
Daunting! What sort of royalty does the fitness community think average people are?! There are a lot of wonderfully unnecessary steps you can take to get in shape such as buying a lot of equipment you won’t use, hiring a personal trainer to pat you on the back, or decide you hate gluten and eat expensive foods that don’t have it.
Before you take these steps, however, you need to find the perfect fad diet for you.
There are hundreds of fads out there which will promise that you can lose weight SUPER FAST without doing anything! What a bargain! Not every fad will be right for you, though. We have taken the liberty of creating a simple series of questions that you can ask yourself to determine which fad is right for you in 2015.
- Do you enjoy drinking?
- Do you like spicy things?
- Do you like lemons?
- Do you like syrup on your pancakes, and also on your lemons?
- Do you not mind experiencing vertigo?
- Do you believe in magic?
- Do you like taking craps?
- Do you really, really like taking craps?
- No, seriously: are taking craps your favorite thing in the world?
- Last chance, here: would you say that in all the world, if you had one wish, it would be to take dizzy craps?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above, your fad is a cleanse/detox diet! On this diet, you cleanse all the toxins from your system using a combination of junk science and wishes. What is a “toxin” in this case? Who knows! Who cares! You won’t have any of them in you, that is for sure. This diet specializes in putting diuretics in your system so you poop a lot, cleansing you of water. If water were considered a toxin, you will flush it. Resulting in a quick 15lbs of weight loss! You’ll gain it all back immediately, I hope you don’t mind?
- Do you enjoy raw cabbage?
- Do you enjoy cooked cabbage?
- Do you enjoy liquid cabbage?
- Do you dream about cabbage?
- Do you have stock in cabbage?
- Is your perfect woman made of cabbage?
- Could you eat her to lose weight?
- When you ejaculate, do you imagine that you are lying in bed with a head of cabbage?
- Are you actually lying in bed with a head of cabbage?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above, your fad is the cabbage soup diet. It is just how it sounds: you eat cabbage soup for seven days straight. This diet goes by many other monikers such as “The Russian Peasant Diet,” and TJ Miracle Soup” to name a couple. This diet, much like the cleanse, will make you lose gallons of water weight! After you complete the diet, you will feel so thin*
*for about 2 days, and then you’ll put all the water weight back on and feel fat again.
- Are you a raw motherfucker?
- Just, like, the rawest?
- Do you hate ovens?
- Do you hate microwaves?
- Do you hate grills?
- Does fire scare you?
- Are you decidedly not a Goblin, Troll, wild animal, magical plant monster, or snake from a movie?
- Do you believe anything you’re told?
If you answered “yes” to all the above, your fad is the raw food diet. A diet that eschews cooking any food and instead makes people spend hours juicing/blending/rehydrating their vegetables. This diet claims that you lose nutrients when you cook food. Which I suppose could be considered true…if, I mean, you ignored mountains of scientific evidence to the contrary.
While it is impossible to cover every potential fad diet you could use to
ruin your life become really sexy in 2015, you can always stop on by Shithead Central, where this topic will no doubt be hit over and over again until it is battered beyond any dead horse you’ve ever seen.
Thank you for reading! Best of luck in 2015.