Posted in Guest Contributor, Humor

Choosing The Right Fad in 2015

Guest-blog by Matt at Shithead Central


It’s 2015, you’ve resolved once again to lose the weight, “make a lifestyle change,” “get healthier,” or however you have to sell it to yourself to make it feel different this time.

Learning the basics of how a body functions and form a reasonable weight loss plan has so many painstaking requirements:

  1. Own a computer.
  2. Know what Google is.
  3. Be able to read.

Daunting!  What sort of royalty does the fitness community think average people are?!  There are a lot of wonderfully unnecessary steps you can take to get in shape such as buying a lot of equipment you won’t use, hiring a personal trainer to pat you on the back, or decide you hate gluten and eat expensive foods that don’t have it.

Before you take these steps, however, you need to find the perfect fad diet for you.

There are hundreds of fads out there which will promise that you can lose weight SUPER FAST without doing anything!  What a bargain!  Not every fad will be right for you, though.  We have taken the liberty of creating a simple series of questions that you can ask yourself to determine which fad is right for you in 2015.

FAD #1

  • Do you enjoy drinking?
  • Do you like spicy things?
  • Do you like lemons?
  • Do you like syrup on your pancakes, and also on your lemons?
  • Do you not mind experiencing vertigo?
  • Do you believe in magic?
  • Do you like taking craps?
  • Do you really, really like taking craps?
  • No, seriously: are taking craps your favorite thing in the world?
  • Last chance, here: would you say that in all the world, if you had one wish, it would be to take dizzy craps?

If you answered “yes” to all of the above, your fad is a cleanse/detox diet!  On this diet, you cleanse all the toxins from your system using a combination of junk science and wishes.  What is a “toxin” in this case?  Who knows!  Who cares!  You won’t have any of them in you, that is for sure.  This diet specializes in putting diuretics in your system so you poop a lot, cleansing you of water.  If water were considered a toxin, you will flush it.  Resulting in a quick 15lbs of weight loss!  You’ll gain it all back immediately, I hope you don’t mind?

FAD #2

  • Do you enjoy raw cabbage?
  • Do you enjoy cooked cabbage?
  • Do you enjoy liquid cabbage?
  • Do you dream about cabbage?
  • Do you have stock in cabbage?
  • Is your perfect woman made of cabbage?
  • Could you eat her to lose weight?
  • When you ejaculate, do you imagine that you are lying in bed with a head of cabbage?
  • Are you actually lying in bed with a head of cabbage?

If you answered “yes” to all of the above, your fad is the cabbage soup diet.  It is just how it sounds: you eat cabbage soup for seven days straight.  This diet goes by many other monikers such as “The Russian Peasant Diet,” and TJ Miracle Soup” to name a couple.  This diet, much like the cleanse, will make you lose gallons of water weight!  After you complete the diet, you will feel so thin*

*for about 2 days, and then you’ll put all the water weight back on and feel fat again.

FAD #3

  • Are you a raw motherfucker?
  • Just, like, the rawest?
  • Do you hate ovens?
  • Do you hate microwaves?
  • Do you hate grills?
  • Does fire scare you?
  • Are you decidedly not a Goblin, Troll, wild animal, magical plant monster, or snake from a movie?
  • Do you believe anything you’re told?

If you answered “yes” to all the above, your fad is the raw food diet.  A diet that eschews cooking any food and instead makes people spend hours juicing/blending/rehydrating their vegetables.  This diet claims that you lose nutrients when you cook food.  Which I suppose could be considered true…if, I mean, you ignored mountains of scientific evidence to the contrary.


While it is impossible to cover every potential fad diet you could use to ruin your life become really sexy in 2015, you can always stop on by Shithead Central, where this topic will no doubt be hit over and over again until it is battered beyond any dead horse you’ve ever seen.

Thank you for reading!  Best of luck in 2015.

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Author:

Hello [sir, ma'am, sex-less monster], My name is Matt. I'm a married 29 year old man (debatable), with no kids, two cats, and an unpredictable libido. When I was growing up I wanted to be whatever would be easiest for me to be. Because of my huge ego and lack of perspective, "whatever would be easiest" ran the gamut of professional baseball player, college english teacher, naval officer, and eventually lawyer. By the time I turned 26 I had all but failed in each of these endeavors, and "whatever would be easiest" became both unexciting and unrewarding. Nevertheless, I was doggedly committed to not working hard and just letting things tetris themselves into a workable configuration, exerting only the effort I needed to in order to stay "slightly above average in my social community." Then I got a DUI. In my line of work, that was a major blow. It made me realize a good deal about myself that I wasn't forced to due to being comfortable. In truth the only thing I ever enjoyed more than playing my favorite games with people I like being around, was performing. I love writing, creating, acting, and being seen. One day, maybe, I'd like to blog for a living, but right now I'm just learning the ins and outs. So for now, writing and publishing enjoyable, possibly relate-able content is goal #1. In hopes of attaining my eventual goal which is drawing a portrait of me high-fiving Slowpoke on Kim Kardashian's buttcheek. Look just read my dumb crap, aiight? Love, Matt

15 thoughts on “Choosing The Right Fad in 2015

  1. Fun post! Hope you decide to become a regular contributor. 🙂

    If there were ever a diet Diva, I’m it. My sister settled for the “Eat all you want and get a larger shirt” diet. But when my boobs get too heavy, I’m ready for the one diet that has ALWAYS proves reliable: Eat less, exercise more, and have some idea what the word “calorie” means.. 🙂

    The cabbage diet sounds like the masochists dream. Can you imagine the gas buildup? I’d hate to work in the same office with someone on that diet!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If The NWR wanted me as a regular contributor that is certainly something I’d be open to!

      You’re absolutely right: the “secret” is just exercise common sense and stick to it. It doesn’t need to be a sweeping “lifestyle change,” but some sensible self awareness and consistency.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The best diet I was ever on was called major clinical depression. I lost 33 lbs and I didn’t have to exercise, eat healthy or even count calories. In fact, I did absolutely nothing for months. Easiest way to lose weight ever. Although, I don’t recommend it because despite your ravishing new figure, you lack the will to enjoy it, buy new clothes to celebrate it or go anywhere to show it off. Total rip off if you ask me.

    Like

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