All of the old-fashioned giving this time of year is making me thirsty. I just made a donation in your name to The Human Fund and now I’m exhausted. It must be time for Festivus, especially the hip flask. Sometimes I celebrate a night early.
I’m in the spirit for some holiday cheer so me and my good buddy, the Ghost of Christmas Past, hit the town to chaser down some of the festive offerings. Let’s see what’s out there.
Beware of fast food outfits bearing gifts. Who knew that Sugar, Sugar was a Christmas song?
Note: These drinks may or may not exist in the past, present or future. Some may only be figments of my imagination. Some may be right down the street. Either way, drink responsibly!
McDonald’s: Eggnog Shake
(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Boozy
This baby hits your stomach like a ton of bricks where it promptly builds an impermeable wall. The Ghost of Christmas Future tells me you’ll definitely be shovin’ it. Just you wait.
Officially there’s no alcohol in this delectable icy blast of self-loathing, but we know how to fix that. Challenge accepted. My sommelier suggests a pairing of brandy, rum or bourbon. It’s only McDonald’s, though, so maybe a snort of Thunderbird or Maddog 20/20 will suffice. Mmm, you deserve a slake today.
Bonus: McCafé Peppermint Hot Chocolate with 410 calories and 17 grams of fat per large serving. “That’s only 60 calories less than a 10-piece portion of Chicken McNuggets.”
Seriously. Is there anything that isn’t improved by squirting some peppermint in, on or under it? Peppermint = Christmas. Christmas = Peppermint.
This baby weighs in at 470 calories per large serving. I’m told that’s about the same as “13 glazed cocoa Munchkins.” Whatever the hell those are.
Jack in the Box: Eggnog Ice Cream Shake
If, like me, you believe that nothing says Christmas like a restaurant that once blew up a clown, you’re in for a real treat. A 24-ounce size includes 1,135 calories and 37 grams of saturated fat. O Holy Night! Come on!
For the holidays they also offer a Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream Shake. What?! No Two-Taco Ice Cream Shake for 99 cents? You’re slippin’, Jack.
I’m told that some people actually eat here. If grandma forgot to serve pumpkin pie on Thankgiving be advised that hope still lives. There’s still a chance to get your pumpkin fix. I grow bored with reporting calories. Perhaps I’ll stop. After this one. 1,040 per 20-ounce serving.
Also, on my Christmas list, is the bestselling book, What Is A Serving Size, Virginia? Sorry, Yankees. This book isn’t for sale in the United States. Ho, ho, ho!
Chick-fil-A: Peppermint Chocolate Chip Shake
I would guess this must have chicken as a secret ingredient? I couldn’t actually bring myself to look. Or maybe it just helps you don your gay apparel?
Starbucks: Lifetime Achievement Award
I tried to figure out how many seasonally-themed beverages the sexy Siren of Coffee Consumption offers, but I can’t can’t count that high. They include, but are not limited to: Eggnog Latte with “options” like peppermint mocha latte, gingerbread latte, salted caramel mocha, pumpkin spice latte and my head stuck in a salted pumpkin rubbed with peppermint oils. And that’s just on the public menu. If you download the app you get access to super-secret members-only privileges.
Hmm. Let me taste this.
smack, smack, smack
I’m detecting subtle notes of pumpkin. Perhaps aged in a barrel? And is that a playful hint of wheat germ kicker? (Remember to give the gift of glutens!) I’m starting to pick up on a theme. Pumpkin much?
Sometimes a word like “smash” denotes the presence of alcohol. Sadly, not so much in this case.
See what lengths I’m willing to go to satisfy my reader’s appetites? I now literally have pumpkin and peppermint coursing through my veins. Where the hell is the fudge mocha? The fruitcake cheesecake? The deep fried divinity? Cranberry burgers? Mistletoe Sierra Mist? I only wish I knew.
They can only be so festive, I guess. God bless our tummies, every one!
Want to play the Nudge Wink Report Drinking Game? Use the comments section below to tell us about other festive holiday drinks you’ve found or come back after Christmas and tell us how much weight you gained? There are two ways to play!