I looked at the calendar and couldn’t believe my aching eyes. It was time yet again for me to opine over here at the Nudge Wink Report. It seems like I just did this only a month ago. Where does the time go?! I can’t speak for you guys, but I can attest to having wasted a fairly significant amount of my four weeks away from you sitting in front of the idiot box in my living room, absentmindedly scratching myself and spiraling further down the evolutionary ladder.
As erudite, witty intellectuals, I’m certain that the few Nudge readers who actually own TV’s only keep them around for sentimental purposes or to watch Downton Abbey or reruns of Fawlty Towers reruns on BBC America. That being the case, it’s likely that you aren’t up to speed on what’s going on in those popular shows that common folk like to watch. As a public service, and to help give you some ammunition for the next time there’s a spirited discussion at the water cooler about one of these dogs, allow me to bring you the following synopses:
“Blood Versus Water, Playa del Poo Poo”
What you missed – The girl with the biggest boobs got caught hoarding trail mix and subsequently quit the game.
Why anyone would possibly care – Aside from the obvious (two less boobs to ogle while waiting for something interesting to happen), Julie’s departure took away a chance for the producers to have a tribal council scene interspersed with shots of squirming snakes.
What’s likely to happen next – Jeff Probst will start the next challenge with his signature preamble, instructing the survivors to begin “…on my go“. Otherwise, the next few episodes will involve back stabbing, sideways glances and people eating coconuts in their boxer briefs and bikinis. The directors and editors will work overtime to trick viewers into thinking that it’s going to be one person being voted off, when in fact it’s a different one.
Sons of Anarchy
“The Final Season, Finally”
What you missed – Bobby Elvis was killed with a shot to the head. For those of you who don’t know the show, it’s a violent saga about outlaw bikers who happen to ride Harleys with wind screens and saddle bags. Despite the passing of this popular character who actually looked like a biker, the characters played by Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson remain unharmed – where exactly is the justice?
Why anyone would possibly care – As I just mentioned, it’s a violent show. It’s also in its final season. It stands to reason that more characters are going to take dirt naps before it’s all over. The most compelling reason to watch is to see if you’ve guessed correctly as to who’s next. Also, it’s fun to watch as hand grenades, motorcycle crashes, amateur amputations and shotgun blasts can’t kill these guys, but the lack of too many more episodes will have them dropping like little leather-clad flies.
What’s likely to happen next – My guess is that someone else is going to die, and not well. The odds-on favorite is Juice. He’s in prison and no one likes those scalp tattoos of his. The dark horse of death pools is Tig’s tranny friend, Venus. If it is Venus, it will likely put Tig into an emotional tailspin with disastrous results. He’ll probably do something rash, like ripping the fairing off of his bike and riding without a windshield or working CD player. Whatever happens, it’s a slam-dunk certainty that there will be lots of guys hugging, saying “I love you, brother“, and Chibs speaking with such a thick Scottish accent that even Groundskeeper Willie can’t understand him.
Hell on Wheels
“How Many Seasons Does It Take To Build a Railroad, Anyway?”
What you missed – Bohannan tried to save the Dirty South dude from dying so that Church-Hottie Ruth wouldn’t get locked up for murder. Durant showed up and stuck his finger in Dirty South’s wound and proclaimed the celiac artery was damaged. Durant’s a doctor? Who knew? As it happens, the celiac artery is responsible for blood flow to the intestines, so cutting off Dirty South’s leg may not have been the best recourse. Perhaps Durant was a podiatrist or has a PhD in railroading.
Why anyone would possibly care – One shouldn’t be too concerned about Sister Ruth winding up on the end of a rope – there’s a shortage of love interests left on the show as it is. The lesbian newswoman is shacking up with Governor Grumbles and Eva-With-The-Mouth-Tattoo is too busy grieving over the death of Elam-the-Bear-Killer to be much fun. Also, the arrival of Mcginnes’ crazy relative with his menacing cronies promises to provide some extra stereotype reinforcement of the Irish as a tribe of violent drunks.
What’s likely to happen next – Somehow, the Swede will reinsert himself into things. He’s one of the best characters on TV with more lives than Morris the cat. I bet he even shows up on one of those snooty BBC shows one day soon.
The Walking Dead
“Zombie$ Zombie$ Zombie$”
What you missed – We got a little backstory on Abraham, a.k.a. The Fu Manchu Ginger. We also learned that in addition to pointed sticks, zombies can apparently be killed with a stream of water from a fire hose. Eugene, the scientist with the mullet, revealed that he was not in fact a scientist, surprising absolutely no one except the Fu Manchu Ginger, who promptly smacked him upside his nappy head. If you were actually surprised by Eugene’s confession, I’d like to talk with you regarding an exciting investment opportunity which I recently found out about in an email from a wealthy Nigerian widow.
Why anyone would possibly care – Watching the show is important to many people, especially those who read the book. The “book” is a series of graphic novels. Graphic novels are expensive comic books. Anyone who’s invested that kind of time and milk money is going to want to discuss how the TV show’s producers have bastardized the original work.
What’s likely to happen next – After the incredible fire hose discovery, the smart money is on the whole gang ditching those pesky automatic weapons and arming themselves with Super Soakers and water balloons. In an upcoming scene, Rick will decapitate a zombie with a well thrown paper airplane.
19 Kids and Counting
“Nothing Else Is On – Let’s Make More Babies”
What you missed – The Duggars, the fertile freaks of Fayetteville, have stopped squirting out offspring long enough to marry off two of their daughters. The latest one to marry is Jessa, though I might be mistaken. Maybe it was Jana, Jill, Joy-Anna, Johanna, Jinger, Jennifer, Jordyn or Josie. Hard to imagine I’d get the names mixed up, just because the parents decided to give every one of their 19 kids names which started with the same stinking letter. Personally, I think it would have been cool if they just named them all Jeorge Phoreman Duggar.
Why anyone would possibly care – Funny thing; lots of people actually do care about the Duggars. Before you get too critical, let me remind you that lots of people also care about what gown Vanna White is wearing on any given night.
What’s likely to happen next – The sibling rivalry in this family has to look like some sort of calculus theorem. No doubt there is pressure on the boys to step up and get themselves hitched. The question is whether one of the recent brides will deliver yet another hungry mouth into the world before one of her nine single brothers finds himself a breeding partner. The latest Vegas line puts the over/under at 2.4 new offspring before a male marries. The odds do not specify whether the new offspring will come from one of the newlywed daughters or from the well-worn loins of Momma Duggar herself.
Disclaimer: No doubt some smart ass will point out that these summaries are off by a week. That is true. As it happened, I had to abandon my TV viewing for a few critical days to write this damn post. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got vegetating to do.