Pimp My Hangover

There is no shortage of nurses in Las Vegas.

Your originally scheduled content regarding Invisible Art has been preempted because this author fell for a hoax perpetrated by some radio DJs. Radio DJs!!! Who knew DJs could still be relevant?! I don’t even own a radio. And I was going to give you all an exclusive FirstPlay of my entirely silent album entitled Mum’s The Word, too. Oh well, your loss. I need a drink. –Ed.

What Happens In Vegas … Holy Mother Of God

Since the time of antiquity when humans first learned they could coax liver damage out of fruit there have been hangovers. After all you can never have too much of a good thing. It was good enough for my daddy and his daddy before him and his daddy’s daddy so it’s good enough for me.

By the way, I’ve never had a hangover. True story. Apparently I have a natural immunity. That doesn’t mean I don’t get drunk, like the night I quaffed an entire bottle of gin and broke the toilet. That’s another story. But at least there was no hangover.

The rest of you are not so lucky. You play a game of Russian roulette cat-and-mouse with your one and only temple. Invariably, the next day, you wake up and pay the price.

It’s true that modern science has yet to devise a way to avoid hangovers. If only there was something that could be done. Damn you, science! Eh? Oh. Excuse me for a moment. I said shaken, not stirred! That’s better. Thank you. Ahhhh! Refreshing. Quite. Okay, I’m sorry. Where were we?

If you’re feeling a little lost like a bit of lime wedge detritus in Zack Galifianakis’ beard, don’t fret. The solution to your hangover woes is only a phone call away…

The Hangover Bus

The recently cured with their meds.

Only in Vegas, right? Introducing Hangover Heaven, a business the specializes in curing the common hangover via bus or their clinic. I think their name needs a little work, though. It makes it sound like the hangover is the heaven. (Isn’t it?) Come for the throbbing, stay for the pounding, but keep it quiet. Actually, they specialize in hangover treatment and removal. Like a hangover-ectomy. And yes, it can be surgical.

Think this is a worthy cause? Then good news for you. The Hangover Research Institute (HRI) is standing by, as a “public charity,” to receive your donations in the fight against the scourge known as veisalgia.

A hangover /ˈhæŋoʊvər/ (medical terminology: veisalgia) is the experience of various unpleasant physiological and psychological effects following consumption of alcoholic beverages and is generally characterized by a feeling of severe discomfort that may last more than 24 hours. Typical symptoms of a hangover may include headache, drowsiness, concentration problems, dry mouth, dizziness, fatigue, gastrointestinal distress, sweating, nausea, hyper-excitability and anxiety.

Source: Wikipedia – Hangover

The Wikipedia goes on to say, “[T]he causes of a hangover are still poorly understood …” Eh? I call bullshiats. I may not be a medical marvel in surgical garb like the magical hangover tour bus, but my spidey sense tells me it might have something to do with ingesting massive quantities of liquor, preferable down a shot luge. Ya think? Mmm, icy.

By now you’re probably saying, “Shut the hell up. Tell me more about this magic. How does it work?”

First, get yourself some alcohol. Drink it quickly. Remember, although time may heal all wounds it is decidedly not your friend during the art of hangover acquisition. Do not tarry with that Bloody Mary.

This will be followed by a period of time where you do not know who or what you are. Try to stay safe. It helps to use the buddy system, however, if the buddy is also pursuing their own hangover your risks may escalate exponentially. The point is to use your best pre-binge judgement and find the solution that works best for you.

Finally, when you wake up, that’s when the real fun begins. Remember: The Hangover Bus doesn’t offer facial tattoo removal technology. At least not yet.

The Doctor will scare the shit out of you now.

Your host will be Dr. Jason Burke, Hangover Specialist. In addition to board certifications I surmise he must also possess a commercial driver’s license. (That’s a guess.) His website states that he is “the first physician in the United States to formally dedicate his career to the study and treatment of veisalgia.” I wish I could talk to him in person to ask what Bluto, Otter, Flounder and Dean Wormer were like. They must have really supported his research.

The field of medicine has done a generally poor job of addressing veisalgia and it is time to end this scourge.

— Dr. Jason Burke

Isn’t it time for a doctor that can save us from the “scourge” of ourselves?

In Treatment

Undercover with our embedded journalist.

So you partied all night long. Somehow you formulated a thought cogent enough to generate a phone call to Hangover Heaven. Assuming you were able to accurately describe your location, you can rest easy. Help is on the way. They’ll send someone to pick you up.

“Engine 51 responding. KMG 365.”

Upon arrival at the bus you’ll receive hangover cures and, if indicated, I.V. hydration. Based on your state of buffoonery you’ll select from packages sorted by severity: Mild, Nuisance, and Premium. The packages are available per their street names like “Redemption” which includes one liter of “hydration fluid” and “vitamins and antioxidants” in a 30-40 minute session.

If you’ve been doing well at the tables you may opt for Redemption 2.0 which adds your choice of nausea or headache “medicine” and glutathione.

The Salvation package includes even more stuff and takes about 45-50 minutes.

Lastly, if you need it, it’s nice to know the Rapture package is standing by. This includes up to two liters of hydration fluid, 30 minutes of oxygen, a “Super B” shot, and more. This treatment is generally only indicated if your hangover is “epic.” (Complex medical jargon I won’t attempt to define. Google it.)

Undercover with our embedded journalist.

In-room treatment is also available. “You can lounge in your hotel room and eat breakfast while getting your hangover cured,” the website brags.

Prognosis

When treatment is complete you’ll have to pay the bill. Prices range from $99 up to $239 per package.

How you proceed with your life after that is up to you. In the case of the guys I know, they staggered across the street to a strip club where they promptly signed up for something else: A three-hour “all-you-can-drink” bar. (True story.) All hail Las Vegas and good life decisions.

Thank you, Dr. Burke. Another job well done!

For more information:

Hangover Heaven – http://www.hangoverheaven.com/