Image from the author's personal empty tequila bottle

Image from the author’s personal empty tequila bottle

In a recent FTC ruling, people who bought caffeine-infused under-garments in hopes of losing weight will soon be getting their money back.  It seems that two different companies sold these jittery Jockey shorts and bilked people out of a million bucks or so.  Much to the disappointment of these shoppers, wearing tightey-whiteys with more buzz in them than a case of Jolt Cola won’t actually melt the pounds away.

The legal community would have us believe that this action has identified the wrong doers and punished them.  The innocent victims of the greedy scams will be reimbursed and everything will once again be right with the world.  What they don’t tell us is that with an extra fifty bucks squeezed back into their tight pants pockets, these folks are free to buy a case of Hostess Ho Ho’s, a couple of  bags of fried pork rinds, a Whopper with extra cheese and a large bottle of Diet Pepsi to wash it all down.

Clearly the lawyers over at the Fair Trade Commission didn’t pursue the logic of the caffeinated drawers far enough.  Follow the bouncing belly logic: People who think that they’d lose inches by wearing any sort of drug-laced undies are both desperate and blissfully unaware of human physiology.  In their frustration to drop pounds, they’re likely to try any number of other remedies, including but not limited to miracle weight loss creams, Super-cellulite-targeting electrical stimulators,  and of course Magic Lamps featuring “UV Lard-Away” technology.  Not only would these purchases feed the economies of several Third World countries by keeping a few hundred child laborers employed, they would also deplete the financial resources of people who need to lose weight.  Without money, these folks would eventually have to cut back on purchases at convenience stores and fast food joints.  Without enough money for food, they’d lose the weight after all.

Author’s Disclaimer: The lack of money won’t really help people drop pounds, since everyone knows that healthy food costs more than processed junk.  There is every likelihood that these folks would actually end up gaining weight as their financial resources dwindled – but c’mon, where’s the fun writing about that?

The bottom line is that we needn’t worry about whether these people were bilked, because the legal eagles have come to their rescue.  The same legal community has been responsible for forcing manufacturers to put warning statements on the tops of step ladders and sides of coffee cups to keep us safe from ourselves.  Without their yeoman’s work, many members of our society would be at risk for any number of heinous injuries and even death.  On a side note, people who are illiterate remain largely unprotected, unless you count those cute little drawings of stick figures being electrocuted or slipping on wet floors.

This drawing should serve as ample warning to most anyone about the risks of hanging around giant rolling thumb tacks.  (Image from Etsy dot com)

This drawing should serve as ample warning to most anyone about the risks of hanging around giant, rolling thumb tacks. (Image from Etsy dot com)

I’m not the first person to write about the over-protection of the stupid, and I will surely not be the last.  In fact I’ve already written about it in the past.  The laws of nature and thinning of the herd is all well and good for antelope and musk oxen, but the lawyers just can’t let this balance apply to humans.  We’ve all seen the Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom episode where the gimpy wildebeest gets chased down by a pack of hyenas, and accepted it as being part of “the circle of life”, “food chain of the Serengeti” or whatever other poetic sounding euphemism the narrator uses.  It’s okay for a cape buffalo with a bad wheel to get torn to shreds on the savannah, but somehow the thought of people getting gypped out of a few bucks because they are not intelligent is just so very, very wrong.

If Red Bull can't come through with the wings they promised, would a helmet or some knee pads be too much to ask for? (Image from everythingshecks dot tumblr dot com)

If Red Bull can’t come through with the wings they promised, would a helmet or some knee pads be too much to ask for? (Image from everythingshecks dot tumblr dot com)

Before I could even finish writing this post about people being saved from their own idiocy regarding weight loss inducing panties, I’ve come across another article wherein Red Bull Energy Drink is giving away money to appease class action litigants who were disappointed that despite the drink’s ad promises to the contrary, they didn’t in fact sprout wings.  I personally have always steered clear of Red Bull, largely because of concerns that I couldn’t afford the custom wardrobe I’d need to accommodate a pair of wings.  Besides, I get more than enough of my daily caffeine intake via my boxer briefs.