Posted in Humor

What Zefram Cochrane Can Teach Us About Global Innovation: Don’t Be a Dickhead

As the NWR offices stir from the first, morning sunlight, I sit here, alone, at my rickety desk my boss found in the alley behind the bar and think of the world in which I live and wonder if I would ever have meaningful conversations with Star Trek characters — specifically Zefram Cochrane.

James Cromwell knows of what I speak. He portrayed him in Star Trek: First Contact.


After watching that movie and falling in love with this abnormally, vertical man with the hottest Adam’s apple around and who made me swoon over his line, ‘That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that?’ I was forever bound to this fictional character who is brilliant, drinks like a fish and would totally punch Bill Gates in the nuts because he’s Zefram Cochrane and he gets to do that.

But would Zefram Cochrane really want to hurl swingyfists at Gates’ testicles–a couple of the richest, whitest and prick-iest testicles in the world?

In a rush to find out the answer due to the huge, pile of caffeine and then a shot of whiskey I later threw up from, I contacted Mr. Cochrane (James Cromwell) and spoke with him, via phone interview, about my concerns.

NWR: Mr. Cochrane, it’s vital we conduct this informal, phone interview with you portraying Zefram. For posterity sake.

ZC: Who is this?

NWR: It’s Eva with NWR.

ZC: Jesus hell, woman, would you stop calling me?

NWR: Wait, don’t hang up again. Please, Mr. Cochrane. It’s important this time.

ZC: I’m James. I’m not Zefram. I’m an actor. I’m Mr. Cromwell to you, missy.

NWR: But… it’s not the same if you’re Mr. Cromwell. You have to be Zefram Cochrane.

ZC: Eva, I’m sleepy. I’m ready to sleep. Don’t you sleep? Don’t you think it’s important to sleep?

NWR: Yes, Mr. Cochrane.

ZC: Don’t you want to go to sleep right now?

NWR: No, sir. I want to ask you about Gates again.

ZC: I’ve told you all of my opinions about Mr. Gates. Several times. There’s nothing else to ask me.

NWR: For being one of the most polarizing and innovative people in the world don’t you just wanna punch him in the testicles?

ZC:  No, Eva, I don’t want to punch him down there.

NWR: I believe Mr. Gates could use a bit of humility. Bring him down to our level. You know what he could use? Gates could use a deluxe, Zefram Cochrane Testicle Nutcruncher.

ZC: Why, Eva?

NWR: Why? Because he needs to stop meddling in the US public education system. Because he needs to stop throwing his money at global, pet-projects that desperately ‘need his ingenuity’ when they’re doing fine without him. He needs to stop claiming his good intentions are to innovate the world when it’s really just an excuse to sell more of his product and make more profit. He needs YOU to slap him upside the head and tell him to stop being such a dick!

ZC: Zefram’s a dick.

NWR: Well… at the beginning, maybe, but not dick-ier than Gates.

ZC: Zefram is an alcoholic.

NWR: It’s only because he’s under stress building a warp drive. Gates doesn’t know crap about warp technology.

ZC: Zefram just wants to be on an island with naked women from selling his warp drive technology.

NWR: That’s not true! Once you meet the first Vulcans that come to Earth you stopped being a dick. Just kick Gates in the balls already! You’re a good guy. Show him some humility.

ZC: Have you been drinking, Eva?

NWR: Don’t try to be a great man.  Just be a man and let history make its own judgements. Sock Gates in the nuts already! For real global innovation!

ZC: Affirmative. I’ll kick him in the gnads tomorrow, okay?

NWR: I need to throw up again.

I later learned from a source I haven’t spoken to in a year, Zefram had no intention of karate-chopping Bill Gates’ jigglypillows. Cochrane stayed in all day baking cookies and reading the newspaper.

And my boss still won’t purchase a new desk for me.



Hi, there! I'm Eva--parent and advocate of public education for all kids and teacher educators. I sometimes do freelance writing, too.

21 thoughts on “What Zefram Cochrane Can Teach Us About Global Innovation: Don’t Be a Dickhead

  1. I knew upon seeing the title that you, Eva, were the author. Now how could that be?

    While I agree that Bill Gates’ nuts should be repeatedly assaulted for Microsoft, I don’t agree about the other things. The Gates Foundation is really doing wonderful things in Malaria and AIDs. And just last week I read about the education idea. You know what? THE BEST teacher I ever had was one who, being disgusted that we were learning nothing in our other h.s. classes, wrapped everything together to show how Shakespeare, Moliere and Dickens reflected history, science and everything else in the universe, which is what Gates wants to do. I have never learned so much — things I still remember because I understood where they fit in the universe (and in the time-space continuum).

    So be gentle, Zefram. Everybody has their uses.


    1. You… my friend. Does the title of my blog posts really reveal myself? I’m scared of me then. *smile*

      Gates is not a teacher. Nor am I for that matter. I am, however, the parent of a 2nd grader who, during the 2014-2015 school year, must take 6 NWEA/MAP state ‘assessment tests’ at her school so her teacher principal, superintendent and school district can adequately measure her growth and progress in the new, Gates-funded Common Core curriculum.

      His curriculum is not evidence-based. It wasn’t tested, at all, prior to implementation. Individual states did not have the opportunity to vote in favor of his curriculum but states must vote to opt out of Common Core for their state.

      Pearson publishes his curriculum and designs the actual tests for each state which uses Microsoft.

      I object to Gates’ profiting off of school kids in the name of ‘better education for all.’

      His children attend the private school his parents sent him to.

      The school does not have the Common Core. It’s a private school.

      Arne Duncan, head chief of education: his kids attend public school in Virginia. That state does not have Common Core.

      He’s done a fine thing with malaria vaccines. His new history implementation is being marketed to individual high schools in the hopes this new way of teaching history ‘ grows organically’.

      What’s the measure of a person who knows his money will influence everything? I don’t know.

      I do know that our daughter, when she gets to 3rd grade, will have around 8-10 state assessments and tests.

      She’ll be 8.


      1. I get you on the tests. They have totally destroyed the fun of learning, I think.

        And I forgot about Common Core. I don’t know enough to comment about it. But I do like, no I LOVE, the idea of showing kids how things relate, complement and matter to each other and the world at large.

        And of course to the first meeting with the Vulcans.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You are absolutely right. Kids are already burning out from the huge amount of state testing. No fun in learning when kids are forced to test from kindergarten. (No lie. Check out PARCC. K thru 12 state testing)

          It’s out of control. One thing Gates could do with his wealth: help the poor of our country. Once poverty is eradicated we could be a great nation. That and do away with the neocons THEN we can become a great nation. It seems he’s not interested in that. I’m no


  2. Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:

    Jigglypillows. Today over at NWR, find out the definition of this word and try to use it at least two times today. One for each jigglypillow. Thanks Eva! Once again you bring a bit of class to the offices of The Nudge Wink Report! *wink*


  3. “That’ll do, Eva. That’ll do.” *grin*

    And I learned a new word today. Bonus. Maybe if I learn enough new words, I can put them all together in a post. AND GET BACK TO BLOGGING.

    Sorry. That was me. Not you. You rock. You’re golden. You are my Saturday morning PBJ.


  4. Reblogged this on The Readneck Review Blog and commented:
    I like this kind of quirky.
    Although if you really want someone to kick ass I’d suggest Chuck Norris (fiction) or Andrew Jackson (non fiction). Of the two my money is still on Andrew Jackson. He shot people in duels. He whipped the British and Indians. He said his greatest regret in life was NOT shooting his vice president for sassing back.
    How he hasn’t gotten a movie yet still puzzles me.


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