As the NWR offices stir from the first, morning sunlight, I sit here, alone, at my rickety desk my boss found in the alley behind the bar and think of the world in which I live and wonder if I would ever have meaningful conversations with Star Trek characters — specifically Zefram Cochrane.

James Cromwell knows of what I speak. He portrayed him in Star Trek: First Contact.


After watching that movie and falling in love with this abnormally, vertical man with the hottest Adam’s apple around and who made me swoon over his line, ‘That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that?’ I was forever bound to this fictional character who is brilliant, drinks like a fish and would totally punch Bill Gates in the nuts because he’s Zefram Cochrane and he gets to do that.

But would Zefram Cochrane really want to hurl swingyfists at Gates’ testicles–a couple of the richest, whitest and prick-iest testicles in the world?

In a rush to find out the answer due to the huge, pile of caffeine and then a shot of whiskey I later threw up from, I contacted Mr. Cochrane (James Cromwell) and spoke with him, via phone interview, about my concerns.

NWR: Mr. Cochrane, it’s vital we conduct this informal, phone interview with you portraying Zefram. For posterity sake.

ZC: Who is this?

NWR: It’s Eva with NWR.

ZC: Jesus hell, woman, would you stop calling me?

NWR: Wait, don’t hang up again. Please, Mr. Cochrane. It’s important this time.

ZC: I’m James. I’m not Zefram. I’m an actor. I’m Mr. Cromwell to you, missy.

NWR: But… it’s not the same if you’re Mr. Cromwell. You have to be Zefram Cochrane.

ZC: Eva, I’m sleepy. I’m ready to sleep. Don’t you sleep? Don’t you think it’s important to sleep?

NWR: Yes, Mr. Cochrane.

ZC: Don’t you want to go to sleep right now?

NWR: No, sir. I want to ask you about Gates again.

ZC: I’ve told you all of my opinions about Mr. Gates. Several times. There’s nothing else to ask me.

NWR: For being one of the most polarizing and innovative people in the world don’t you just wanna punch him in the testicles?

ZC:  No, Eva, I don’t want to punch him down there.

NWR: I believe Mr. Gates could use a bit of humility. Bring him down to our level. You know what he could use? Gates could use a deluxe, Zefram Cochrane Testicle Nutcruncher.

ZC: Why, Eva?

NWR: Why? Because he needs to stop meddling in the US public education system. Because he needs to stop throwing his money at global, pet-projects that desperately ‘need his ingenuity’ when they’re doing fine without him. He needs to stop claiming his good intentions are to innovate the world when it’s really just an excuse to sell more of his product and make more profit. He needs YOU to slap him upside the head and tell him to stop being such a dick!

ZC: Zefram’s a dick.

NWR: Well… at the beginning, maybe, but not dick-ier than Gates.

ZC: Zefram is an alcoholic.

NWR: It’s only because he’s under stress building a warp drive. Gates doesn’t know crap about warp technology.

ZC: Zefram just wants to be on an island with naked women from selling his warp drive technology.

NWR: That’s not true! Once you meet the first Vulcans that come to Earth you stopped being a dick. Just kick Gates in the balls already! You’re a good guy. Show him some humility.

ZC: Have you been drinking, Eva?

NWR: Don’t try to be a great man.  Just be a man and let history make its own judgements. Sock Gates in the nuts already! For real global innovation!

ZC: Affirmative. I’ll kick him in the gnads tomorrow, okay?

NWR: I need to throw up again.

I later learned from a source I haven’t spoken to in a year, Zefram had no intention of karate-chopping Bill Gates’ jigglypillows. Cochrane stayed in all day baking cookies and reading the newspaper.

And my boss still won’t purchase a new desk for me.