Posted in Humor, News

The Bill and Melinda Gates Birth Control Interview

In the early spring of 2014, I had the privilege of meeting the most charitable, creative and technologically brilliant couple on the planet: Bill and Melinda Gates.

I knew what I was ready for; a dynamic pair of thinkers that were tinkering with something incredibly big and extraordinary and ready to come to fruition.

After reviewing the synopsis of their enormous and global venture, everything I knew, and used myself, regarding the current female contraceptive choices, is going to become obsolete overnight.

"IUD?  That's so outdated... and disgusting.  Women want microchips for choice!"
“IUD? That’s so outdated… and disgusting. Women want microchips for choice!”

This project is going to change the world.

This endeavor is going to revolutionize birth control for all, reproductive women on the planet.

It made perfect sense the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation were financially backing this effort.

MicroCHIPS, the start-up company led by MIT researchers, is developing a ‘remote-controlled system’ of birth control for women. The chip, the size of a Scrabble square, is inserted under the skin near the abdomen, delivering contraceptive hormones, controlled by the user at her will, for approximately 16 years.

"Bill wanted to 'experiment and get jiggy with the chip.' I swear to god he's so perverted."
“Bill wanted to ‘experiment and get jiggy with the chip.’ I swear to god he’s so perverted.”

Modern medicine is getting scarycrazywhackmodern.

My time spent with the globally-giving, philanthropic power duo was an education in Biotechnology 101 I was sorely in need of. I also had the opportunity to see ‘just a regular, ole’ married couple’ interact with each other.

NWR: “In layman’s terms, please explain how the female, microchip contraceptive works.

MG: “Well, to be honest, I don’t think we knew what we were really getting ourselves into. I mean, we knew that we wanted to advance the technology of birth control on a global scale, for all women, but, honestly, we were just too lazy to develop anything.”

BG: “Melinda, what the hell?  That’s not fair.”

MG: “You said you just wanted to throw money at the thing and see if it works.”

BG: “When did I say that, dear?”

MG: “Oh, my god, you said that, like, a zillion times since you opened your wallet.  Christ, Bill.  I’m sorry.  What was the question again?”

BG: “She wants to know how the damn thing works… let’s show her how it works, dear.”

'The microchip is thiiiiiis teeny-tiny.'
‘The chip is kind of shaped like this.’

MG: “Oh, Bill.”

BG: “What?!”

MG: “Stop it.”

BG: “Come on. Let’s show her how it works–let’s do that thing we did the other night.”

MG: “Bill, stop it. Get away from me.”

BG: “See?  She’s laughing because she likes it.  My woman likes the microchip.”

MG: “Bill!  We’re in a formal interview.”

BG: “My woman… she loves when I get the chip out.  I get the chip out and the chip talks to her and soothes her tired head and tells her how pretty she is.  Stone cold, baby.  Dropdead gorgeous.  The chip loves his woman.  My woman.  My chip-chippy-micro-chippin’ woman.  She likes my freaky-freak chip.  Oh, yeah.  Foxy, Mrs. Gates.  Come here, you beautiful woman, you. Come here to your Mr. Chip.”

MG: “Oh, my god, Bill, you psychopath, stop!”

After watching Bill Gates, playfully and disturbingly, chase Melinda around the courtyard for 15 minutes until she gut-punched and pinned him down with a full-nelson, I feel my time spent with the couple was a gift-a gift of knowledge that I was privileged to witness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author:

Hi, there! I'm Eva--parent and advocate of public education for all kids and teacher educators. I sometimes do freelance writing, too.

18 thoughts on “The Bill and Melinda Gates Birth Control Interview

  1. If I’d known you had such connections I would have hired you months ago for NWR.

    This was a disturbingly funny post. Right now, across America, pro-life groups and many Republicans are hurling up their Wheaties and painting placards to march…somewhere. Because allowing woman to determine their own timing for when, or if, they have children? NOOOOOO! THEY MUST BE STOPPED!

    Wow. I can see our spam comments now…

    Like

    1. The MIT, researcher led company is definitely on to something here. Clinical trials will have to be carried out but the technological advances are incredible.

      It’s just the Common Core I’m not a fan of. The Gates’ are behind that and need to just stop.

      Like

  2. Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:

    Bill and Melinda Gates get chippy with it. Our very own Eva sits down with this power couple for a disturbingly funny interview. You go, girl! And you better, too. Head over to NWR and let the chips fall where they may.

    Like

  3. Reblogged this on The Peanut Butter Table and commented:

    A zillion, thank yous to Bill and Melinda Gates for alllowing me to sit down and ‘interview’ the couple behind the world’s upgrade in women’s birth control. Also, the Gates’ are weirdos. Skippity-skip on over to The Nudge Wink Report… and don’t spill your coffee when you’re skipping. Hot. Ouchy.

    Like

  4. This is good reporting. All this time I thought MicroCHIPS was tiny little law enforcement officers on tiny little motorcycles that patrolled the Fallopian Highway and, maybe, even the Vas Deferens Highway, too? Why do women always have to be the only ones to be implanted? It should be more equal.

    Questions: How do you reboot the device upon blue screen of death? What happens when the Russian hackers get in and change the passwords?

    Like

    1. I’m pretty sure there’s a teeny-weeny Erik Estrada all up in some fallopian tubes… fighting crime.

      I completely agree with you regarding implantation. Whip it out, males. It’s your turn now.

      I hope each and every chip is encrypted to piss off any man that tries to hack in our womanchips. Because, you know, it would be men. *frowning*

      But I like that I typed ‘womanchips’ and plan on using it frequently. The context is of my bidding.

      Like

    1. I know!

      I would like to see implantable contraceptives for the men… the men. The men need more implantable devices. Everywhere. The women need a break-shoving things here and there.

      Like

    1. Other readers, as well as myself, are wondering about microchip malfunction. That’s a scary thought.

      You are not alone in your opinion of Gates and his open feelings for ‘his woman’. I’m traumatized. I’ll never be the same.

      Like

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