Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor, News, Uncategorized

You’d Better Have A Good Excuse!

A 68 year old man named Ronald Avers in East St. Louis, Illinois, has been accused of sticking sewing needles into packages of meat at a local supermarket.  There’s absolutely no plausible reason for doing something so awful.  No excuse could possibly make this alright.  When questioned by the FBI, Mr. Avers said he did it “just for the hell of it“.  Just for the hell of it?!  That’s his excuse for sticking pointy things into food products?!  Also, what’s with East St. Louis, Illinois?  That sounds as bad as West New York, New Jersey.  City planners and public relations people should take a lesson from Californians, who long ago changed the name of North Tijuana to San Diego.

Warning!  Eating sewing needles which are still encased in plastic packaging may be even more dangerous than just eating plain needles.  Don't eat needles, they are sharp and not particularly tasty.  The Nudge Wink Report does not condone eating needles - illustration for comedic purposes only.
WARNING! Eating sewing needles which are still encased in plastic packaging may be even more dangerous than just eating plain needles. Don’t eat needles, they are sharp and not particularly tasty. The Nudge Wink Report does not condone eating needles – illustration for comedic purposes only.

To be fair, “just for the hell of it” is not a bad rationale for doing certain things.  Marrying a stripper in Vegas or getting an ornamental scrotal piercing are both excellent examples of things which can all be done for just such a reason.  In fact, there may be no other legitimate point behind doing those things.  Playing hide the needle with rump roasts and ground chuck though, requires a better explanation than that old stand-by.

People sometimes do ill advised things because of getting some ill advice.  Who hasn’t stuck a fork in an electrical socket on the advice of evil siblings?  Later in life, in a move possibly related to that childhood jolt, we vote for candidates we don’t know anything about because celebrities tell us to.  When asked why we did such foolish things, the answer is simple enough –  just rat out the adviser.

Some of us occasionally do things because we were told not to.  Green means “Stop” and red means “Go”.  These ladies and gents took the brown acid at Woodstock despite Chip Monck’s warning that it was bad, man.  They look directly at the sun during eclipses and to this day, many routinely stick Q-Tips right into their ear canals disregarding clear instructions to avoid doing so.  When asked why they insisted on doing the opposite of what they were told, they don’t answer, possibly due to hearing loss from the improper use of ear swabs.

They put this warning in writing for the hearing impaired.  For the record, The Nudge Wink Report does not advocate the improper use (or ingestion) of ear swabs.
WARNING! They put this warning in writing for the hearing impaired. For the record, The Nudge Wink Report does not advocate the improper use (or ingestion) of ear swabs.

Others have done all sorts of things because God, Allah, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster said to.  If divine directions are lacking, folks have obeyed the urgings of voices in their heads and in one notorious case, to the commands of their neighbor’s dog. Lacking direct orders, people do the things which they believe to be right and necessary.  If you have strong enough convictions, there’s no limit to the bedlam you can perpetuate.

If a dog gives you commands, and they don't involve rawhide chew treats and permission to sleep on the furniture, you should consider the source.  The Nudge Wink Report does not condone taking advice from animals, even if they stare at you with those big sad puppy eyes.
WARNING! If a dog gives you commands, and they don’t involve rawhide chew treats and permission to sleep on the furniture, you should consider their motives. The Nudge Wink Report does not condone taking advice from animals, even if they stare at you with those big sad puppy eyes.

As heinous as an act might be, having an excuse makes it slightly more acceptable to both the perpetrator and the rest of us.  Doing really stupid things is part of human nature, coming up with some kind of excuse for it immediately afterward should be as well.  For the record, I didn’t bite into a pork chop with a straight pin sticking out of it.  Had I done so, I imagine my outrage toward Mr. Aver’s lack of  having a good reason would have been even more pointed.  Maybe a prolonged stay in the hoosegow will give him the time to come up with something a little more substantial.

In the meantime, let’s all cut our meat carefully because everyone knows being a copycat of idiotic behavior is the second oldest excuse of them all.

Advertisements

Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

26 thoughts on “You’d Better Have A Good Excuse!

  1. Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, Dave gets right to the point. And he offers a variety of things NWR DOES NOT support. Thanks Dave for helping to avert a law suit. Kudos, man, kudos.

    Like

  2. If some people didn’t do stupid things there wouldn’t be anything for the rest of us to do with out spare time. I suppose we just have to put up with sharing the air with people who don’t know any better. I only wish we could round them all up and put them in one spot. We’d know where they are then and can stop by anytime we want to shake our heads and torment them by asking them to list some good excuses for being idiots ON THE SPOT! That could be amusing.

    Like

  3. I’m surprised at this man’s behavior. He should have been more prepared. “I’m joking poking fun at you,” he could have said. Or, “I’m needling you.” Either could have gotten him off the hook.

    After reading an article on the importance of ear wax I recently gave up the habit of sticking Q-Tips nine inches into each ear after showering. It’s been very traumatic. It’s too soon for that sort of humor. It’s okay. You didn’t know. I forgive you.

    Like

  4. The real problem here is that the additional calories from the stainless steel needles aren’t being properly noted on the nutrition facts label.

    Like

  5. Hmmm….a new Lowe for needles. I get the point. You really know how to get to the meat of the problem. Except for Q-tips which don’t have sharp points and I’ve been using in my ears (dipped in rubbing alcohol) for over 60 years and haven’t had an ear infection yet. 🙂

    I’ve thought of trying Everclear on the Q-tips, but my ears might get drunk.

    Like

  6. I recommend pairing that delicious packaged meat with a 2008 Pinfandel and serving a rustic razor blade apple tarte tartin for dessert. If wine is not your guests’ preference, I’m not adverse to pairing a meal with a cocktail, may I suggest offering a Rusty Nail?

    Like

Nudge us with a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s