I don’t know much about soccer. There’s a lot of running around; the guy on each team who runs the least gets to use his hands. Everyone in the game is an actor. And when the ball hits someone in the head it is considered a good play and not cause for hysterical laughter.

So, like many Americans, I’ve watched some World Cup matches and pretended to understand the game’s finer nuances. But I learned a lot about the sport while I pretended I already knew about it. I learned that soccer stadiums are filled with lots of men who wear flags as capes and paint their faces to show support for their teams. The only women allowed to attend World Cup games are attractive eighteen to twenty-five year olds. Most importantly, I learned that it is best to watch soccer on a Spanish language television station because the announcers have seizures on the air when a goal is scored.

And here we are, the day before the World Cup final match between Germany and Argentina. The internet is flocking here to The Nudge Wink Report to find out if I’m going to remember that I’ve got a post due today who I think is going to win the big game. I refuse to let the internet down; I am here to announce my prediction.

My prediction is based on a comparison between an Argentinian gaucho and a guy wearing German lederhosen.

Not Just Any Man Can Make That Look Good

(image by sanchristobal76 on wikimedia)

As we can see, our German friend has his hands jammed deep into his pockets. The photo leaves it to us to decide why he is doing this. We’ve all been in the position to think “I’m not sure what to do with my hands”. The answer to that question does not appear in this photo.

The lederhosen seem to have some sort of snap system over the naughty bits. This is an example of function over form in design. I approve, yet disapprove of this flap and snap system. Access is sometimes important, but it still doesn’t look right to me.

I am not on top of things, fashion wise, but I have some doubts about whether a plaid shirt goes with embroidered shorts.

I’ve never seen a man who looked good in lederhosen. To be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever been in the company of anyone in lederhosen. Maybe there’s a good reason for that.

Who Is The Gaucho, Amigo?

(image public domain)

So now we turn our attention to the Gaucho. He appears to be wearing blankets and a poncho. Kudos to him for making something out of not much.

The Gaucho is carrying a rather substantial knife. That doesn’t impress me. Too many people think being threatening gets them respect. Argentina made this mistake once before. That ended with them losing a fight over the Falkland Islands, a place best described as nothing, with sheep on it.

There is a really good Steely Dan album called Gaucho. Yes, I know that there are no bad Steely Dan albums. Focus on what I’m trying to tell you, not what you think I don’t know.

Even though Argentina had nothing to do with putting the Gaucho album together, it is significant that Steely Dan has never done an album called lederhosen.

In the end, who wins the big game comes down to one question – If I were naked, in a burning building and had to run out in dressed as a gaucho or wearing lederhosen, which nation’s garb would I put on?

My answer to that question makes it clear who reign over the soccer world after tomorrow’s match. I am predicting that Argentina will win the World Cup.