BD from Blogdramedy took time out of her busy schedule of beach trips and not blogging to FaceTime with us for her performance appraisal. They say don’t shoot until you can see the whites of their eyes but this girl never takes off her sunglasses. We don’t know the color of her eyes never mind if there’s any white. She could be part lizard for all we know. Which perhaps accounts for some of her answers to our probing questions.
1. Have you ever peed outside? If so, where, and why on earth did you do something so disgusting?
Before I answer that question, I’d like to make a statement. This question is so totally sexist. Of course the guys on staff can answer no problem. They’ve got a built-in pee stick they can whip out any old time and water their way to a gold star. We ladies have so much more to consider when dropping panties in pee preparation. Which starts well before actual pee production. There’s the squatting exercises so we can assume the position without toppling over. Reconnoissance is critical. A 360 advance scout of the surroundings must be done to ensure the area is free and clear of any present danger. Like complete strangers, dogs looking for their balls (you want to make a joke, I’ll wait) and anything that looks like it could bite us in the ass. Being in Georgia the past four months and so close to the beach, this hasn’t been problem for me. I pee in the Atlantic. Out in the open with all the other people who drank too many beers while getting their sunburn on. Think of it as our contribution to saving the environment by saving all our pee for the beach instead of using four gallons of toilet water to flush. You are welcome.
2. What’s in your fridge right now that you could use to whip up a meal worthy of Julia Child? (We know she’s dead but work with us on this.)
I know Julia was an amazing chef but if she could make a gourmet meal out of a few dried out lemons and an icy bottle of vodka (empty) they’d have put the word “Saint” in front of her name. If you’d given advance notice that I’d have to submit to a performance review during my time in Georgia, I could have arranged for Paula Deen to cater us up something delicious. Her deep-fried butter stick is to die for. Literally.
3. You’ve eaten the last slice of your partner’s/child’s/parents/friends/ (just pick one and move on) birthday cake. Do you fess up or lie right to their face?
I’m a Mother. I’ve never had the last slice of anything. Including a life until she turned 21.
4. Do you leave a tip even if the service was really horrible?
Do you know what wait staff do if you look like you’re a no-tip customer? They spit in your food. I’ve seen it happen. If you’re lucky, you ordered the soup. If not, that big blob of phlegm sitting next to your filet of beef? It’s not hot sauce. So, yes, I tip. I tip LARGE. There are kids out there who should be thanking me for helping put them through college. Saint Pete is going to welcome me with open arms and my own portable enclosed toilet.
5. How do you eat spaghetti? Twirl up with your fork straight from plate to mouth or do you twirl the noodles against a spoon first?
I’ve been to Italy and I do it the real Italian way. I twirl it on the fork. Italians know the importance of only using one hand…so they have one hand free to hold the wine glass. And when not holding the wine, they have one hand free to gesture while talking about the wine.
6. What would make you admit to crying during a movie even if you didn’t actually cry?
Nothing could make me admit to crying. Crying is a waste of emotion. Crying is only good for one thing. Getting my Mister to not make a stink about how many shoes I’ve bought in the last four months. If I’m watching a movie and I feel tears starting to form, I start texting on my phone and person behind me gets pissed and when I turn to stare them down, they mistake my glistening eyes for madness and shut the hell up.
7. One of your fellow Field Reporters has been diagnosed with an ingrown toenail so infected, they have to wear Crocs until the antibiotic kicks in. What do you do?
B. Write a post about it.
C. Find ways to make them walk across the room.
D. Pull people in off the street to take a look.
E. Tell them to post a picture to Instagram.
F. None of the above because…eww. Gross!
G. Other (and be specific)
YOUR ANSWER IS: D and G. I’d pull people in off the street and we’d all take bets on how long it will take before the nail falls off the toe. Then we’d strip them of their Crocs and tickle their feet until they needed to pee. In public. Out in the open.
Thank you, BD. Please leave the room now while we review your answers.
Okay people. Now it’s your turn. Does BD deserve a raise? Don’t let her stunning good looks, glorious curves, mesmerizing smile, colt-like legs, or bodacious humor sway you. Unless you want her to sway against you. Which could be arranged if you’re anywhere near Lucky’s Pool Hall on Friday nights during happy hour.