Posted in Blogdramedy, Humor

What happens when you wear sunglasses to your performance review

BD from Blogdramedy took time out of her busy schedule of beach trips and not blogging to FaceTime with us for her performance appraisal. They say don’t shoot until you can see the whites of their eyes but this girl never takes off her sunglasses. We don’t know the color of her eyes never mind if there’s any white. She could be part lizard for all we know. Which perhaps accounts for some of her answers to our probing questions.

1. Have you ever peed outside? If so, where, and why on earth did you do something so disgusting?

Before I answer that question, I’d like to make a statement. This question is so totally sexist. Of course the guys on staff can answer no problem. They’ve got a built-in pee stick they can whip out any old time and water their way to a gold star. We ladies have so much more to consider when dropping panties in pee preparation. Which starts well before actual pee production. There’s the squatting exercises so we can assume the position without toppling over. Reconnoissance is critical. A 360 advance scout of the surroundings must be done to ensure the area is free and clear of any present danger. Like complete strangers, dogs looking for their balls (you want to make a joke, I’ll wait) and anything that looks like it could bite us in the ass. Being in Georgia the past four months and so close to the beach, this hasn’t been problem for me. I pee in the Atlantic. Out in the open with all the other people who drank too many beers while getting their sunburn on. Think of it as our contribution to saving the environment by saving all our pee for the beach instead of using four gallons of toilet water to flush. You are welcome.

 

2. What’s in your fridge right now that you could use to whip up a meal worthy of Julia Child? (We know she’s dead but work with us on this.)

I know Julia was an amazing chef but if she could make a gourmet meal out of a few dried out lemons and an icy bottle of vodka (empty) they’d have put the word “Saint” in front of her name. If you’d given advance notice that I’d have to submit to a performance review during my time in Georgia, I could have arranged for Paula Deen to cater us up something delicious. Her deep-fried butter stick is to die for. Literally.

3. You’ve eaten the last slice of your partner’s/child’s/parents/friends/ (just pick one and move on) birthday cake. Do you fess up or lie right to their face?

I’m a Mother. I’ve never had the last slice of anything. Including a life until she turned 21.

4. Do you leave a tip even if the service was really horrible?

Do you know what wait staff do if you look like you’re a no-tip customer? They spit in your food. I’ve seen it happen. If you’re lucky, you ordered the soup. If not, that big blob of phlegm sitting next to your filet of beef? It’s not hot sauce. So, yes, I tip. I tip LARGE. There are kids out there who should be thanking me for helping put them through college. Saint Pete is going to welcome me with open arms and my own portable enclosed toilet.

5. How do you eat spaghetti? Twirl up with your fork straight from plate to mouth or do you twirl the noodles against a spoon first?

I’ve been to Italy and I do it the real Italian way. I twirl it on the fork. Italians know the importance of only using one hand…so they have one hand free to hold the wine glass. And when not holding the wine, they have one hand free to gesture while talking about the wine.

6. What would make you admit to crying during a movie even if you didn’t actually cry?

Nothing could make me admit to crying. Crying is a waste of emotion. Crying is only good for one thing. Getting my Mister to not make a stink about how many shoes I’ve bought in the last four months. If I’m watching a movie and I feel tears starting to form, I start texting on my phone and person behind me gets pissed and when I turn to stare them down, they mistake my glistening eyes for madness and shut the hell up.

7. One of your fellow Field Reporters has been diagnosed with an ingrown toenail so infected, they have to wear Crocs until the antibiotic kicks in. What do you do?

A. Commiserate.

B. Write a post about it.

C. Find ways to make them walk across the room.

D. Pull people in off the street to take a look.

E. Tell them to post a picture to Instagram.

F. None of the above because…eww. Gross!

G. Other (and be specific)

YOUR ANSWER IS: D and G. I’d pull people in off the street and we’d all take bets on how long it will take before the nail falls off the toe. Then we’d strip them of their Crocs and tickle their feet until they needed to pee. In public. Out in the open.

Thank you, BD. Please leave the room now while we review your answers.

Okay people. Now it’s your turn. Does BD deserve a raise? Don’t let her stunning good looks, glorious curves, mesmerizing smile, colt-like legs, or bodacious humor sway you. Unless you want her to sway against you. Which could be arranged if you’re anywhere near Lucky’s Pool Hall on Friday nights during happy hour.

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Author:

Blogdramedy is a recovering communications specialist who now spends her days helping non-profits communicate effectively. They rarely listen to her advice. When she's not doing that, she writes Upside of Sideways and is a field reporter for The Nudge Wink Report -- both on WordPress. https://upsidesideways.wordpress.com https://nudgewinkreport.wordpress.com

25 thoughts on “What happens when you wear sunglasses to your performance review

  1. Should she get a raise? Let’s review:
    She referred to what many consider to be the male brain as a “pee stick”. While accurate in many cases, it’s still a rather hurtful thing to put in print. Score negative one.
    She proved herself to be both sensitive to the causes of women with full bladders as well as the need to save potable water by not flushing the potty every time she goes numero uno. Score positive two.
    She inadvertently admitted to having let the chilled vodka supply run out. I realize that it’s relatively early on a Saturday morning, but that’s just bad form. Score negative one.
    She mentioned Paula Deen without dredging up any racist references, and stuck with the chef’s lifelong battle with the American Academy of Cardiologists – well done. Score positive one.
    She described her decades of sacrifice as a mother, without making us feel guilty for sending our own mothers discount floral arrangements back on Mothers Day. Score positive one (Sorry Mom – you know I love you).
    She admits to tipping like a Japanese tourist, but only to save herself from the saliva of others. Then she incorrectly implies that there are port-a-pots in heaven. No score.
    She eats spaghetti the proper way, though considering the way she tips, those Italian waiters should be feeding it to her like she’s a baby bird. Score positive two.
    She nearly confesses to crying in movies – which is permissible, but then admits to texting in them, which is not. Score negative one.
    She freely exhibits both a disdain for Crocs and a willingness to publicly humiliate those who wear them, irrespective of the medical value of plastic shoes. Score positive two.
    Following the formal evaluation questions, she makes a point of reminding us about her sense of humor and physical attributes, including her her stunning good looks, sexy curves and “colt-like” legs. Despite the fact that I now have perverse images of My Little Pony wearing two pairs of designer stilettos and a little black dress, Bonus score three points.
    BD scores a total of eight points, which should translate into a sweet little raise. The timing couldn’t be better, as I hear they’re having a big vodka sale at the shoe store.

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    1. Dave…basically? You score. *wink*

      Possibly the best comment ever in the history of blogdoggery. If I do “score” a raise, it’ll all be thanks to you. At which point we’ll blow it all on vodka and strippers.

      Like

  2. Enjoyed reading the answers, and have some #specific comments. 🙂
    1. peeing in the Atlantic. A trillion fish can’t be wrong.
    4. I had phlegm in my tea once (in my early 20’s). That was even before the meal. It had nothing to do with the tip because it was well before that was going to happen and to this day I don’t know whether I pissed someone off or I was just the recipient of some assholes generalized anger.
    5. When eating spaghetti, whine helps.

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  3. The raise is a no brainer. Just the fact that she keeps all her male counterparts in line…a feat that has been likened to herding cats…earns her that.
    What is this fascination with peeing outside? Who made up these questions and is exposing our beloved NWR team to them?
    Peeing in the ocean is good for everyone.

    Like

  4. Hmm. I feel singled out. Fellow NWR reporter? Check! Crocs? Check! Ingrown toenail? Check! Pulling people off the street to take a look is indeed the only correct answer. All I ask is a burlap sack (with eye holes) pulled over my head while I rock back and forth and sob, “I am an animal!”

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