Our newest staffer, FloridaBorne from Two on a Rant, sat down with Nudge and Wink on her way to Canada to partake of the bliss that is the NWR Performance Appraisal. This woman is smart. She travels with her own toilet paper and has been know to bend over and offer a square to her fellow reporters. We think she fits in nicely here at NWR. (Please. No snickering or heckling while reading her answers. Save that for the comment section.)

1. Have you ever peed outside? If so, where, and why on earth did you do something so disgusting?  Of course I’ve peed outside.  Tell me one person who has ever been camping hasn’t peed or pooed outside?  I live in the country.   What is pee but natural fertilizer and water combined?  What plant wouldn’t like having some of that sparking goodness?  Save the environment–pee on a plant!

2. What’s in your fridge right now that you could use to whip up a meal worthy of Julia Child? (We know she’s dead but work with us on this.)  If you want to die, ask me to cook.  The last time I threw something together I accidentally dumped the silicone gel pack in with it.  However–I did make a sweet potato pie a few days ago that was to die for.  The only way that happens is if I throw stuff together in a blender without a recipe and Chef Sheer Luck takes over.  It’s a lot like how the air bus evolved from a bi-plane–some days you just get lucky.

3. You’ve eaten the last slice of your partner’s/child’s/parents/friends/ (just pick one and move on) birthday cake. Do you fess up or lie right to their face?  There are ways to get by with this, but it takes a level of finesse I’ve never possessed.  First, you leave icing and crumbs around your mouth, then you joyously approach the victim and say, “Thank you for leaving that last small slice for me.  Such a kind, loving gesture” and then you walk to the bathroom to clean your face.  If they attack you for it, they look like the Ted Bundy of the food world.    My daughter used to say, “It’s better to ask forgiveness than permission.”    I say, “A frontal assault is the best approach.” 

4. Do you leave a tip even if the service was really horrible? ? My daughter worked as a waitress during college, telling me stories about the way people treated her. On the rare occasions I go to a restaurant, I consider that the person taking my order is someone’s daughter or son who might be working his/her way through college or a person trying to make a living the best way s/he knows how. I always tip at least 15%–more if the service is excellent. That said, there was one time when the waiter was more interested in trying to get a date from a table of girls than doing his job. I waited for service until it was apparent his sole focus was on one table. I left him a 2 cent tip and complained to the manager.

5. How do you eat spaghetti? Twirl up with your fork straight from plate to mouth or do you twirl the noodles against a spoon first?  I do it the country way.  I cut it up into little pieces and fork it to death.  Life is too short to fight with spaghetti.

6. What would make you admit to crying during a movie even if you didn’t actually cry?  Nothing.  I cry at pictures of cute puppies and kitties.  I cried when my son was married and later when my daughter married.  I cried so hard at “What Dreams May Come”  (Robin Williams) I think I dehydrated myself (better than leaking pee).  Never in my entire life do I remember lying about crying.  Now if I could only remember what I had for dinner 2 days ago…

7. One of your fellow Field Reporters has been diagnosed with an ingrown toenail so infected, they have to wear Crocs until the antibiotic kicks in. What do you do?

A. Commiserate.

B. Write a post about it.

C. Find ways to make them walk across the room.

D. Pull people in off the street to take a look.

E. Tell them to post a picture to Instagram.

F. None of the above because…eww. Gross!

G. Other (and be specific)

YOUR ANSWER IS:  A and G (laugh my head off.  If I get an ingrown toenail they have every right to do the same).

Thank you, FloridaBorne. Please leave the room now while we review your answers.

Now it’s your turn. Help us decide if FloridaBorne gets a gold star for her performance appraisal. Keep in mind she’s from Florida…the Sunshine State. A land full of retirees and oranges. And Disney. Whirl all that up in your blender and pour that girl a raise!