Posted in Blurt

The Other Reason I Couldn’t Be Like Donald Sterling

So we spent the better part of a week talking about how Donald Sterling, the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, proved that money can’t buy you brains. But Donnie proved something else that he didn’t get as much press for.

Money can buy you love.

Famous archivist V. Stiviano, counting. (image via V.Stiviano/instagram)

The woman he was talking to when he said “don’t bring black people to my games” was 31-year-old V. Stiviano. According to the press, Ms. Stiviano was Mr. Sterling’s mistress. According to Ms. Stiviano’s lawyer, she was Sterling’s archivist.

Yeah, that’s what the kids are calling it. Ms. Stiviano was archiving Mr. Sterling. Donald Sterling is 80 years old. He is nearly fifty years older than the woman who is archiving him.

Having A Young Archivist Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be

This whole archiving business is the other reason I couldn’t be like Donald Sterling. I am 52 years old. For the sake of argument, let’s say my blog finally made me insanely rich and I had a 22-year-old archivist.

First of all, I don’t know that I could live with the idea that, every time I had a business meeting with my archivist in a bar or at a sporting event, people would be saying that she was only archiving me because I had a really immense bank account. I’d feel awful for her, because I’m sure she’d just really dig me even though I could be her father or grandfather.

And what about what they’d say about me? “Look at him, another rich old coot hooking up with a hot young archivist. Who does he think he’s fooling?” Deep down, I think I’d know I’d only be fooling myself.

Of course, I could pay myself to believe she’d keep my records even if I were not an incredibly well paid blogger.

That Was Great. Best Two Minutes Of My Life. What Do You Wanna Talk About?

Yeah, I’m sure if he were poor he’d be getting archived just as much. (image via theclassical.org)

But do you know what would really make being like Donald Sterling an unattractive idea to me? Spending time with my archivist when she wasn’t managing my archive, if you know what I’m saying. What on earth do I have in common with a 22-year-old woman?

Well, besides a heart and lungs, not a lot. Now in saying that, I’m not saying anything disrespectful about young women.  When I was 22 I thought they were great. And you know what? I was right – back then. And I’d still be right if I were still 22.

But I’m not 22 anymore. At our different stages of life, we need different things. Our generations have different tastes. I have seen things that my archivist would only know of because her history teacher told her about them. How many times will she pretend that she’s fascinated by my recollections of the Watergate scandal? How many times will she explain snap-chat to me before she gets sick of it and starts preserving some other guy’s records?…if you know what I’m saying, and I think you do.

And what about music? My generation doesn’t look at a twenty-two year old archivists  and think “I’ll bet she has great taste in music”. If I said something like “I’ve got Bruce Springsteen tickets” and she said “who?” I swear that I would kick her out of my library…I don’t care how well she archived me.

Now don’t get me wrong, my primary reason for being glad that I’m not Donald Sterling is that I’m not a racist boob. But this whole younger archivist thing just seals the deal.

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Author:

Most who read my blog don't know me from the man in the moon. But they seem nice and I am, in fact, The Man In The Moon.

35 thoughts on “The Other Reason I Couldn’t Be Like Donald Sterling

  1. Ha!
    YES. And that gut bloating against that hot pink t- shirt he’s sporting. That’s worthy of a heaping pile of vomit right there.

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    1. How the hell does he look at that in the mirror and say “yeah, this is what I’m wearing”? And because he apparently does say that, how did she say “yeah, that’s what I’m ummmmm….archiving”?

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  2. Reblogged this on Blurt and commented:

    So you know I write for other websites, right? This is one I wrote for The Nudge Wink Report. You should head right over and read it, because you can’t read it all here.

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  3. At one point in the tapes, she tries to sooth Donald, and offers him some juice. As a hot young archivist, she’s probably used to gin and juice, but his tastes likely run more toward prune.

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  4. He’s an archon. That explains a lot. True, money can’t buy you brains. But the causality here is that lack of brains leads to money. Think about it. Being poor is a badge of honor. I don’t know if I could be with that guy, even for a billion dollars. Maybe if he promised no kissing on the mouth. I mean, look at him there in his patented belly-up slouch with that smug look on his pasty surface-of-the-moon face. That would be one hella tough gig, no matter who you are.

    Prune juice is a warrior’s drink!

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    1. I agree. In that picture in the post, she’s counting. I’m not sure, but I think that’s her limit. A real archivist has a lot more going on. This one, the lights are on, but no one’s in the stacks…if you know what I’m sayin’ and I think you do.

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          1. Uh, ok.

            It occurs to me that I know gold-diggers and I know archivists but these are two circles that have (to the best of my knowledge) absolutely no Venn-diagram overlap. Entirely mutually exclusive, as far as I know.

            This got me to thinking that many of the archivists I know wear cotton gloves and lab coats when handling old artifacts. Could this explain that bizarre visor she wears? Maybe it has some archival function. As always, I am fascinated and amused.

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    1. Well, yeah. I agree in principle. I’ve worked with people who I’ve thought really needed to have their Dewey Decimaled just so they’d be human again.

      Or was that what people thought about me?

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  5. I will never be able to look an archivist in the eye again. This “V” (seriously, the imagination runs wild with the things you could do with that name…in context of course) is giving archivists around the world a bad name. I’m sure there are still young archivists out there that will archive you if you less rich and just interesting.

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  6. Just think though, that girl could give you serious street cred and work your lungs, really work your lungs for those two minutes. Plus, yeah flexibility and reach. There you go, archivists are likely a must for 80 year olds with bank, everywhere. This causes problems though with wives, his is suing the archivist for $500K.

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  7. At first glance to thought that was mike Wallace in the photo. (Dead or alive? I’m going to have to google that.)
    I’m a richard cheese fan but I have to say, that is his best cover ever. I’ve never seen that one before!

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