It’s 3am.  Again.  Not even this can wake me up enough to do more than type a blog:

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I’m old, not dead.

I’m beginning to think that the best times for me to work are between 2am and 10am.  

What does a woman who can’t get back to sleep do at 3am?   She thinks of ridiculous things to put into a search engine.  Here are a few examples:

silicone gel

  • Can silicone gel packs kill you?  (Not unless you ingest a caseload)

hell

  • What is the population of any city in the USA named Hell?  (Hell, Michigan 40 and Hell, California 204. Yes, it seems that very few people want to live in Hell)

einstein2

  • Is getting up at 3am a sign of genius?  If it is, then I’m not joining any nose-in-the-air groups in this lifetime.

“Why do you say that?” You might ask. “You obviously have a brain.”

There are those who would disagree.

My usual 5 second search came upon this gem of knowledge:

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/news/smart-means-sex-and-drugs-and-staying-up

“There’s evidence that shows that if you’re spending less of your nights hitting the books and more time smoking weed and getting laid until 3am, then you’re probably wiser than the rest of us.”

If that’s the case, I’ll need to apply for a job requiring no more brainpower than the ability to count to 10 and go insane trying to do the same thing over and over and over again every day for the rest of my life.

My left brain said, “That can’t be right.”

My right brain said, “I’m suing you for hurting my feelings.”

leftrightbrain

In case you don’t understand why right brain is such a pain in the butt…

My right brain is much too sensitive.

As you can tell, I wasn’t getting any closer to the answer by talking to myself. My left brain did have a point, though. So I read past the first paragraph of the article to find out where the author says these nuggets of insight were mined.

“Researchers in England have found that students studying at prestigious universities such as Oxford and Cambridge spend more on sex toys than their peers at other universities.”

That explains some of it. Rich people send their kids to those schools. The rest of us can’t afford the tuition in places like that even for ½ a semester much less sex toys. And had it not been for the fact that a sex toy sales company funded the research on that particular topic, the thought that it takes intelligence to buy a dildo (and get rid of the baggage that usually comes with it) might mean something.

Some young woman (who works at a sex shop and should have asked to remain anonymous) said: “I think that the ability to engage in an open sex life comes with the abilities of introspection and logical thought, and those require some level of intelligence.”

If there’s any truth to that, why do so many underachieving countries–filled with people who have little going for them besides overpopulation–have such a problem with venereal diseases? Perhaps the sex toy company should send planes to these countries and drop crates of inflatable dolls, dildos and negligées over every village via parachute?   Anyone expecting food might be sorely disappointed, but if it’s what makes people smarter…

No, I’m not going to dignify this with a picture. 

After solving the sex mystery, I went on to drugs. No, I don’t mean I used any. It means I wanted to find out if pharmaceutical companies were funding that particular study.

Apparently, a study from Psychology Today suggests that if your IQ is over 125 you’re more inclined to use drugs. Why?

To expand your horizons.

I thought that was the purpose of meditation. It takes effort to learn to discipline your mind so that you can get something out of expanding your horizons other than an empty wallet and a bill from the hospital for pumping your stomach.

So far, I’m underwhelmed by the research.

Next up? The tendency of geniuses to be up at an ungodly hour.

“Late nights, too, play a leading role in that of the smart person: an academic paper entitled “Why The Night Owl Is More Intelligent,” published in the journal Psychology And Individual Differences, says that for several millennia humans have been largely conditioned to work during the day and sleep at night.”

Okay, so 1 out of 3 isn’t bad. Right?…um…left?

“The paper goes on to say that those who are more liberal and more inclined towards atheism are more likely to be intelligent, too.”

That’s what I call a giant leap of assumption coming out of nowhere on par with saying that F-15’s evolved from eagles, and hot dogs can fly.

EinsteinTo be a bit more specific: Just because a dog can’t do calculus doesn’t mean there’s no such thing as calculus. It just means he doesn’t understand enough about calculus to know it’s there.  Einstein knew calculus.  He also said, “”I want to know God’s thoughts; the rest are details.”  

“The very thread that weaves together the fabric of religion is “a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe.” (From an in-depth 10 second internet search where I found dictionary.reference.com). 

“But…” You may interject. “This only pertains to religious beliefs.”

Atheism makes us into our own deities if we believe there isn’t anything out there that made God, the universe and everything 42 times over (My apologies to Douglas Adams ).  Atheism is about as meaningful to me as a man pointing to the stars 3000 years ago and saying, “The great dragon emptied his intestines into the celestial toilet thus giving us life.”

Therefore, if you believe that rocks, trees, dust and seas came out of nowhere, I want to know where that nowhere started and what was not there before nowhere came into being. Unfortunately, no one on this planet seems to have an intelligent answer to that question any better than my dog.

So, to reiterate:

If you’re a bored rich kid in college, have sex with inanimate objects and are driven to atheism due to lack of sleep, you’re more likely to be a genius.

Unfortunately, you’ll also look like this–so no one is going to know it (or possibly care):  

druggeek

 I’ll go meditate, leave you to your own mind, and hope to God that my hippocampus doesn’t decide to sue both the right brain and left brain for calling her fat.

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