***SPECIAL REPORT*** Filed by intrepid weird news correspondent, Eva Watson of The Peanut Butter Table.
A FEMALE, EARTH HUMAN WAS ARRESTED ON HER PLANET AND FOUND WITH A SHOOTING-PROJECTILE WEAPON IN THE PLACE WHERE HUMAN BABIES COME OUT OF.
THANK you for your attention. May we begin now?
I am Ms. Sclutherax and I called this emergency conference today. I won’t bother with the pronunciation of the planet I’m from because no one here will be able to pronounce it… and the inter-species translator is on the fritz, so, just use the laser microphone at the podium which will translate your speech patterns.
Hi, everyone. I realize this session was not on the schedule but the situation on Earth has become grave, I fear.
Every human, in the country called the United States, has a gun in their possession. Everyone. Even the human children have some form of bullet-killing weaponry.
Based on our observations, we’re still trying to figure out why human infants are given these artilleries so early in their development when their tactile knowledge hasn’t even begun… and they still poo in their biped cloth bags, so, there’s that.
My fellow aliens, it appears human government in this country allows their fellow humans to use these firearms against one another at any time, for any purpose. There seems to be no punishment for any humans who use their guns to kill… mostly because every human is dying from every human having a gun.
Humans using guns, in this region of their planet, seems to be as commonplace as human infants ejecting their waste products all over their guns they don’t know how to use.
After careful and intense scientific observation, we believe humans, subconsciously, want to kill off their species.
We don’t know why. We think it’s due to the fact humans feel insignificant. Small. Dumb.
Now, after observing them from a safe, million-light-years-distance away for centuries, the council of ‘Disintegrate the Humans’ has decided unanimously… to blow them the hell away.
Silence! Please, one at a time! Everyone here is from a different galaxy so no one can understand a damn thing. One alien, at a time–at the microphone–please.
Yes, my brother. What planet do you represent?
Umm–Hi, everyone. My name is Mr. X and I represent Planet X. I mean, it’s not called planet X but no alien here would know how to pronounce it either, so, we’re just calling it planet X for today. You can call me Mr. X. Umm, I have some questions for Ms. Sclutherax.
Yes? What are your questions, Mr. X?
Well, my constituents and I would like to know what weapons will be put to use to off the humans—for economic purposes, if I may.
Of course, Mr. X. The council appreciates your inquiry. We’ll be using the following weapons to terminate the humans:
*The Irrational-ator 3.14159265359 Semi-Automatic Brain Smasher
*Ultrasupersonic Human Gene Collapser 3000
*The Human Lung Punch Laser with nucleus-squishing capabilities
*Black Hole Human Blood Drainage and Multi-Purpose Plasma Dehydrate-or
*Hand-held/fully automatic Skeletal Crusher (silencers are extra)
*Chest Cavity Explosion Detonation Killing Drones
*Cellular Death Crunchinators
It is imperative we stand together as one, large group of intergalactic blobs of starstuff, in the hopes the humans won’t have enough of their guns, or fear, to harm us.
That, my alien friends, is the milky syrup and key word that keeps the human’s secretions flowing: fear.
Their fear is impenetrable. It scares the heck out of the council, to be honest.
Be alert–be cautious. They’ll ingest anything. They may mistake us for a gigantic slab of meat from outer space and try to cook and eat us.
Keep your eyes open. Mr. X, keep your one eye open. You’ll need it.