Posted in Guest Contributor, Humor, Special Report, Uncategorized, Views

Human Gun Culture: Aliens for Human Disintegration

***SPECIAL REPORT*** Filed by intrepid weird news correspondent, Eva Watson of The Peanut Butter Table.


THANK you for your attention. May we begin now?

I am Ms. Sclutherax and I called this emergency conference today. I won’t bother with the pronunciation of the planet I’m from because no one here will be able to pronounce it… and the inter-species translator is on the fritz, so, just use the laser microphone at the podium which will translate your speech patterns.


Hi, everyone. I realize this session was not on the schedule but the situation on Earth has become grave, I fear.

Every human, in the country called the United States, has a gun in their possession. Everyone. Even the human children have some form of bullet-killing weaponry.

Based on our observations, we’re still trying to figure out why human infants are given these artilleries so early in their development when their tactile knowledge hasn’t even begun… and they still poo in their biped cloth bags, so, there’s that.

My fellow aliens, it appears human government in this country allows their fellow humans to use these firearms against one another at any time, for any purpose. There seems to be no punishment for any humans who use their guns to kill… mostly because every human is dying from every human having a gun.

Humans using guns, in this region of their planet, seems to be as commonplace as human infants ejecting their waste products all over their guns they don’t know how to use.

After careful and intense scientific observation, we believe humans, subconsciously, want to kill off their species.

We don’t know why. We think it’s due to the fact humans feel insignificant. Small. Dumb.

Now, after observing them from a safe, million-light-years-distance away for centuries, the council of ‘Disintegrate the Humans’ has decided unanimously… to blow them the hell away.

Silence! Please, one at a time! Everyone here is from a different galaxy so no one can understand a damn thing. One alien, at a time–at the microphone–please.

Yes, my brother. What planet do you represent?

Umm–Hi, everyone. My name is Mr. X and I represent Planet X. I mean, it’s not called planet X but no alien here would know how to pronounce it either, so, we’re just calling it planet X for today. You can call me Mr. X. Umm, I have some questions for Ms. Sclutherax.

Yes? What are your questions, Mr. X?

Well, my constituents and I would like to know what weapons will be put to use to off the humans—for economic purposes, if I may.

Of course, Mr. X. The council appreciates your inquiry. We’ll be using the following weapons to terminate the humans:

*The Irrational-ator 3.14159265359 Semi-Automatic Brain Smasher

 *Ultrasupersonic Human Gene Collapser 3000

*The Human Lung Punch Laser with nucleus-squishing capabilities

*Black Hole Human Blood Drainage and Multi-Purpose Plasma Dehydrate-or

*Hand-held/fully automatic Skeletal Crusher (silencers are extra)

*Chest Cavity Explosion Detonation Killing Drones

*More drones

*Cellular Death Crunchinators

It is imperative we stand together as one, large group of intergalactic blobs of starstuff, in the hopes the humans won’t have enough of their guns, or fear, to harm us.

That, my alien friends, is the milky syrup and key word that keeps the human’s secretions flowing: fear.

Their fear is impenetrable. It scares the heck out of the council, to be honest.

Be alert–be cautious. They’ll ingest anything. They may mistake us for a gigantic slab of meat from outer space and try to cook and eat us.

Keep your eyes open. Mr. X, keep your one eye open. You’ll need it.




Hi, there! I'm Eva--parent and advocate of public education for all kids and teacher educators. I sometimes do freelance writing, too.

35 thoughts on “Human Gun Culture: Aliens for Human Disintegration

  1. Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:

    Today on NWR, special correspondent Eva Watson (The Peanut Butter Table) takes us on a journey light years away from earth to show us just how close we are to extinction. It’s satire. I hope?


  2. It seems a shame to wipe out our whole planet because of the “right to bare arms” in the US. There are a few countries on Earth that don’t go by this rule.
    On another note, why are there always so many Xs in alien names and their planet names. I’m thinking that X is much closer to the beginning of the alphabet on these planets.


    1. Oops! I failed to address the letter ‘X’ in the names of aliens in your comment. My apologies.
      Well… I’m not certain but the letter X is really cool. I wish I had more Xs in my name. I would be Xeva or XEva.

      We could call you XSPP. Doesn’t that look kinda cool? And thanks for reading the post. I appreciate that.


  3. This post could be a feature article on Huffington Post. Because duh.

    Teen Arrested With Loaded Gun In Vagina:
    “It would seem to be a very dangerous place to carry a loaded firearm,” Pontotoc County District Attorney Chris Ross told KFOR at the time. “If it goes off, it’s only going one place.”

    Great post, Eva. I laughed and laughed until I realized this could be the future. Then I threw up.


    1. Many thanks for having me, BD.
      I find I throw up frequently at the thought of the future of guns in our country… then I can’t leave the house because I can’t stop yakking.


  4. It’s an honor to have Eva in our midst. Excellent article. When I read the subject line I hurried over, anxious to make a crack about how and where I smuggle my guns, but then I saw you beat me to it. Well played. Still, I’m always looking for an opportunity to shoot off my gun hole.

    There are so many things that can and should be said about guns. One particular aspect I find most chilling: Young children and guns. There have been a lot of headlines this year along the lines of “Two-year-old shoots five-year-old sister” and many variations of same. As near as I can figure, there’s a second implied clause that comes after the right to bear arms. And that’s leaving them lying around the house while loaded. (Aw, hell. They just ain’t no good if not loaded. Then they’re just a lump of iron like an anvil, and who needs that?)

    Just this week a bill to create the crime of “unlawful exposure of unsafe firearms to children” in Louisiana died in committee. And here’s an editorial reinforcing a point I’ve long supported: That parents should be held responsible for what children do with their guns. No fucking shit.

    The Herald-Dispatch: Editorial: Parents should be held liable for kids’ access to firearms


    1. It’s an honor to be at this site today, Shouts. I’m humbled right now.
      ‘ The right to bare arms ‘…
      That phrase in our Constitution has molded this country’s gun culture. My opinion only.

      The fact that Tennessee killed the idea that threatened ‘the right to bare arms’ doesn’t only not surprise me but perpetuates the this country’s ‘rights’ to kill each other with their guns.

      I’m scared for this country’s future.


  5. This is Rachael BigBoobies from Planet 10. I am currently assigned to Earth, or as we call it at this conference ‘Detroit.’
    I am surrounded by MonkeyBoys who don’t know an Overthruster from an AK-47. As President of YoYo-Dyhne Propulsion systems I would like to second your suggestion. Blow the little bastards to Pluto and back. It is not even a planet. Who will notice?
    I will return to Plant 10, real soon, and continue to outline YoYo-Dyne’s plan, which is already in place.
    We can work together, as the MonkeyBoys are incapable of doing so themselves.
    Lord John Whorfin shall be in attendance.
    -Aline Punch!-
    Ha. Made you duck.


  6. I’m thinking it might be great to meet folks from a different planet. And if they kill us? It’ll be like we all live in Floria (or now Georgia)…


  7. It’s a little suspicious that the aliens, who have been observing us from such a great distance, already have several types of human-specific weapons.
    If economics really is a point in these matters, I’d like to offer to open new markets for you for these weapons in several specific North American locales.
    I can guarantee you record sales!


    1. Hahaha…Guap!

      I was trying to be clever and sneaky, you see. The thought of any advanced, extraterrestrial races having a remote resemblance to human behavior and weapon culture is frightening.

      Record sales? Well, get to work, man!

      Thanks for reading the post, Guap. Blogdramedy is one of my favorite people who I admire greatly. She’s nuts, too.


    1. This is true as well. Perhaps these aren’t the advanced, intelligent aliens I thought they are. They’re kind of stupid… like humans. Ugh.

      Thanks for reading the post, Valentine!


    1. Oh, man. My worst fear-aliens got the drone idea from humans. Shit. Thanks for reading, FB. And I will say without hesitation you helped me, unknowingly, take the leap from the old site to the new. You, BD, and a handful of other writers helped with that.

      So, thank you, my friend.


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