This week, headlines in the news reached a new level of crazy. As a challenge, let’s check and see how closely I can match images to the story.
All headlines are real. Wait while I peel my eyeballs from the ceiling.
PUTIN NOMINATED For Nobel Peace Prize
Okay. I was wrong on this one. It’s not poutine but PUTIN. The Norwegians should open up their peace prize to food as well as people. Because an army marches on its stomach. With this dish, Russians troops will be too busy lining up at the porta potties to advance into the Ukraine.
MAN WHO FOUGHT OFF BEAR Actually Just Fell Chasing It
And that’s the thing about addiction. Once you get a taste, you want more. Always be prepared. Because if you’re going for bear, you better bring an army.
HUMANITY HITS ROCK BOTTOM: Teen Has Sex With Hot Pocket
Got this one wrong, too. Shows how out of touch I am not having a teenage boy in the house. Or a microwave. Because with today’s fast-paced lifestyle, who’s got time to bake an “American Pie” from scratch?
‘LICK THIS’ APP Teaches Oral Sex Via Phone-Licking
Nothing I write could compare to this description of the “service.”
Up n’ Down, which challenges users to flick a light switch up and down as quickly as possible.
Circles, which has users move the handle of a mechanical pencil sharpener around as quickly as possible.
Freestyle, which asks users to use their tongue as an implement to jab at a beach ball bouncing seemingly at random around the screen.
Deciding what makes up good oral is like picking art. It’s very subjective. You think your girlfriend is biting that pillow in ecstasy when in fact, she’s trying hard not to laugh. If you walk into a bar and see all the men licking their phones, you know you’ve hit the jackpot. Because as we women all know, the clitoris works EXACTLY like an iPhone.
CITY PLANNING TO DNA Test Dog Poop
This is not the photo that went with the story. But it could have been. So extra points for the possibility…and finding an image of Snoop actually holding a dog. There are so few you’d think dude’s got issues.
PEOPLE NOT PLEASED About Baby Holding Gun
I thought I’d got it right this time. Because we all know only mature adults should be allowed to handle guns.
One Man’s Sex Toy May Be Another Man’s Trashed and Recycled Sex Toy
You never know what you’ll find at a flea market. Pros suggest you bring cash only and pump up your skills in the fine art of haggling. Because you don’t want to pay more than you have to for a used blowup sex doll.
WANTED: The Purple Burglar Of Florida
Obviously a case of mistaken identity. Back in 2003, he was found in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood but only because he had a three-way date with Mrs. McFeely and Prince Tuesday. Things got out of hand and when Mr. Rogers arrived on the scene, Barney decided to take revenge on the man who — even though he was old, and white, and couldn’t carry a tune — kicked Barney’s ass every morning for years. Released earlier this month, Barney was looking into windows, not breaking them, when spied by the cops. When asked what he was doing, Barney replied, “Looking for work. Due to peer pressure, I’ve changed my name to Tom.”
ISLAMIC LEADERS ISSUE FATWA Prohibiting One-Way Trips to Mars
I so totally nailed this one! Because we all know that 72 virgins can’t compare to Bruno on a good night. If all the suicide bombers in the world saw a concert…no more KABOOM!
LAW FIRM ACCOUNTANTS Were Bad at Accounting, Law
I think this story is about the law firm of Dewey Boehner and Howe.
RENT A STRANGER’S TOILET via Airpnp app
This app is still in clinical trials. If urine the money, this is the app for you. The VIPee level includes the “tap to rate your pee experience” and “swipe to wipe.”
Thank you Huffington Post for the headlines. I couldn’t have done this without you.