Posted in Shouts from the Abyss

Something That Rhymes With Pizzle

An X-Men showing off a signature move.
An X-Men showing off her signature move, summoning the Play icon out of thin air.

Olympics may fizzle
The Ukraine may sizzle
But we’ll always have The Twizzle

–Anabolic Tallstory, Leave It All On The Ice

If, like me, you’re a true fan of the spirit of sport, you’re likely saying to yourself, hey, are the Olympics on yet?

Spoiler alert: Too late! (Spoiler alert: This paragraph may have started with a spoiler.)

What in the wide, wide world of sports is agoing on? Don’t worry. It’s my duty to get you caught up. I know that the Olympics are so last week, but I still got something to say. And you (mostly) don’t have to worry about pink eye, either!

I’ll provide a warning cry if Matt Lauer tries to replace me so you’ll have time to grab a pair of ice skates and twizzle your wrists.

So fix yourself a White and/or Black Russian on the rocks, preferably using ice that has been out in the sun too long, just to increase the danger, unfairness and fun.

Remember, the Olympics are about a lot more than CBS and Twitter in a race to see who can get the most spoilers out first. Much, much more.

twizzleJust in case you haven’t picked up on yet, the word of the day, week, month, year, decade, century and millennium is twizzle. It’s a word I picked up even as I expended great effort to embargo the Olympics from start to finish. Yet somehow it flew through the ether and embedded itself in my brain just like that earwig did in that scary black-and-white movie a long time ago.

People are turning their heads to get in on the twizzle. Ha, ha. Get it? That’s funny. Enough of that! Twizzle is serious. Twizzle is a dish best served cold. And it’s very cold … on ice.

Twizzle. Say it with me. Twizzle. It rolls right off the tongue. True story: simply uttering the word causes the human tongue to emulate the act for which it is so aptly named. Twizzle. George Costanza could likely make use of this as “move,” but we will not discuss that here.

What, pray tell, is a twizzle? The clinical definition is ADHD of the ankles and feet while on ice. Normally in cases like this a qualified podiatrist will prescribe medications like Adderall and Ritalin. In extreme cases, though, crushing the medications into a fine powder and sniffing them off a harsh cold surface, like the edge of a skate, is indicated.

These lucky few sniffers go on to become the ice dancers of tomorrow where their ADHA affliction of the ankles and feet earns them acclaim and societal status as practitioners of the Twizzle.

The first documented case of public twizzling is generally attributed to skater David Grant in 1991. Today, little is known about Grant as he is apparently too insignificant to have his own Wikipedia page. My exhaustive research can’t even determine if he’s still alive. For all we know, by now, he’s buried in his own tomb.

A clever competitor on a Twizzle Break. Will be a required move in Pyeongchang 2018.
A clever competitor on a Twizzle Break. Will be a required skating element in Pyeongchang 2018.

In spite of all the excitement and glory, a twizzle is basically one of the things that skaters do to earn points during competition. Technically it’s a “figure skating element” that falls within the class of moves known as “step sequences.” Siblings of the twizzle include: three turns, bracket turns, Mohawks, rockers and, of course, counters. Personally I would have been thrilled to see a lot more Mohawks at the Olympics.

Stripped down of its mystique, a twizzle is merely “traveling multi-rotation turns on one foot.” That’s damn exciting stuff.

This year, in a surprise move, all the ice skating announcers at the Olympics, including that one hyper-mouthed lad who used to be an ice skater himself, met secretly and conspired to attack America by overusing the word. It was a cold, calculating plan, and they would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling tweeters.

Now that the Olympics are over we can rest easy, safe for at least another four years. In the meantime, I vow to do my part in making the word a part of our everyday lexicon no matter what. Let’s keep it alive in our national conversation.

Swish! Swish! Twizzle! Kerplunk!

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Author:

The Guru of Negativity

20 thoughts on “Something That Rhymes With Pizzle

    1. I want the Reblog Police to cuff me, frisk me, hit me with a baton and shoot me with a Taser. That reminds me of the time I dated a Border Patrol agent, but that’s another story. (Twizzle.)

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  1. Well, consider myself schooled on the “twizzle”. My embargo apparently was more successful than most as I had not heard the term until this moment. I thought we would be talking about red liquorice sticks.

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    1. What? No way! What? I’m in awe. You seriously expect us to believe you had never heard of the twizzle prior this news report? Unlike the Olympic announcers I’m speechless.

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      1. I didn’t pay any attention to the Olympics. I didn’t watch any coverage. The only thing I actually watched was the last hockey game. When people wrote about it or #hashtagged it I just skimmed over. I couldn’t be bothered. But I have eaten my share of “Twizzlers”.

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    1. The expression “taste cold steel” means so much more coming from The Twizzler. By the way, we tried to go to ΒΏPor Que No? the other day but the line was down the sidewalk. So much for the $4 tacos. I was forced to go to the unknown place down the street and get them for $1.50 each. Even more delicious than Twizzlers!

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  2. Thanks for the earworm, Tom. I was successful in the embargo until reading your post. Now, I’m all a’twizzle.

    Strange. To me it sounds like the ice skating equivalent of the motorcyclist’s “death wobble”.

    “He twirled a little, just before totally losing control and falling off his blades to the unforgiving ice. Let’s wait for the scores to see how hard he bounced!”

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    1. Embargo interuptus. My bad, so sad. Are you claiming that you were unschooled in the ways of the twizzle? Again, I find that hard to believe. But yeah, I think death wobble is an extremely colorful way to describe it. Why didn’t Scott Hamilton think of that? Next time you should be the announcer!

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  3. Hahaha…this is what autocorrect on kindle does!just took it off.what is drizzled candy?meant to write twizzlers candy. There,that’s better. Funny post! πŸ™‚

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