Posted in Attitudes, Blogdramedy, Humor

WHY THE DRESS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE AWARD

Award season is here in all its bling-bling glory. Stars and starlets are letting it all hang out with the support of their stylists. A hint of boob here…a flash of leg there. It’s all about who wore what best.

And that’s as is should be. Because the dress is always more important than the award.

If you look fabulous, that image of you will appear on every online media outlet, with the writer gushing about how fabulous you are for looking so fabulous.

Designers will pay you to wear their clothes. Movie offers will come flooding in.

You’ll start to date someone better looking than you. And he will never cheat. Winning the award won’t matter. Because nothing compares to the thrill of knowing that image of you will be dissected and discussed for years.

Best Dressed? Worst Dressed? Or just...dressed.
Best Dressed? Worst Dressed? Or just…dressed.

If you look like you didn’t look in the mirror before leaving the house, that image will appear on every online media outlet, with the writer gushing about how long it is before they get to write that you’re heading for a stint in rehab.

Designers will forget your name. Movie offers will come flooding in…to cast you in sequels that sucked the first time around.

You’ll start to date someone better looking than you…until he dumps you for someone who didn’t win an award because he realized you really DO dress like this every day. Winning the award won’t matter. Because nothing compares to the horror of knowing that image of you will be dissected and discussed for years.

One of these things is not like the others.
One of these things is not like the others.

If you pick the right stylist he/she can promise you garner that rarest of gifts: an image that appears on both the best-dressed AND worst-dressed lists, ensuring that you and your dress will be featured in every awards retrospective presented from now until the day climate change makes the planet so warm humans embrace nudity.

Winning the award won’t matter. Because you’ll be too busy yoga-ing/master cleanse-ing/botox-ing your body into shape for when award ceremonies are held in the buff.

Narrow lapels and big heads. Or is that just the camera angle?
Narrow lapels and big heads. Or is that just the camera angle?

If you wear the right dress, it won’t matter that you couldn’t find a date for the ceremony and had to invite your brother/mother/pool boy.

People will think it’s sweet.

Winning the award won’t matter. Because sweet is so rare in Hollywood, you’ll become an “enigma.” Which is like honey to a bear in la-la land.

If you wear the wrong dress, it won’t matter that you couldn’t find a date for the ceremony and had to invite your brother/mother/ pool boy.

People will think it’s weird.

Winning the award won’t matter. Because sweet isn’t half as attractive as weird in Hollywood. Which is like nose candy to a well-sculpted nose in la-la land.

If you wear accessories the right way, you’ll score an offer to be the breasts of Bulgari, the tits of Tiffany, or the middle finger of Harry Winston.

This is what's called STRATEGIC produce placement.
This is what’s called STRATEGIC product placement.

Β If you wear accessories the wrong way, you’ll become muse to Madonna. The singer. Not the mother of Jesus.

A set of these should come with toothpicks.
A set of these should come with toothpicks. And maybe some good wrinkle cream.

During awards season, appearances count. Β In Hollywood, you’re nobody until somebody sees at least one of your b(.)(.)bs.

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Author:

Blogdramedy is a recovering communications specialist who now spends her days helping non-profits communicate effectively. They rarely listen to her advice. When she's not doing that, she writes Upside of Sideways and is a field reporter for The Nudge Wink Report -- both on WordPress. https://upsidesideways.wordpress.com https://nudgewinkreport.wordpress.com

32 thoughts on “WHY THE DRESS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE AWARD

  1. I’m glad now that I skipped all of the awards shows. I was counting on micro-coverage and you came through. Of course, I am going to have nightmares. I find the whole dress thing silly. I don’t see the appeal of looking weird. A lot of these folks are the beautiful people and would no doubt look even better with stylish but more ordinary outfits with a reasonable amount of makeup. (Hint: Less is more.)

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    1. Nicely put. Maybe you should have written this post instead. I took up the big fork of satire and got stabby.
      It’s just becoming too much…I can’r remember who won best actress at last year’s Oscars but I remember the dress. But not who wore it.
      Something about this is all off kilter somehow.

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  2. This is FAN-TAB-U-LOUS! And what the h-e-l-l is Madonna wearing in her mouth? I’m an old gal, but I totally missed that. I assume they’re removable bling for teeth? Just call me out of touch and glad of it. Thanks for the entertainment! πŸ™‚

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    1. It could be because I’m getting older but I can’t remember any of the award winners from last year but I do remember some of the outfits and who wore them. It’s a puzzler. *grin*

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  3. Holy metal detectors! I’ve never seen that picture of Madonna’s grill. And now I shall never unsee it.

    I have a carefully considered theory about her recent Grammy Awards show outfit. And by “carefully considered,” I mean totally speculative conjecture.

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      1. It distracted me so that I forgot my other, more serious response. I’ve been programmed in girliness as much as anyone else and it is so true that the gown sticks with you.

        There’s that one Sofia Vergara gown that just lives in my youthful dreams. I didn’t see the event she wore it to (I think it was the Oscars), but the pictures of it in the magazines made me fall in love.

        I also remember a gown that a Miss Universe contestant wore one year when I was a teenager. I think she was a Miss Puerto Rico or Cuba, but I remember she won because of the gown. No doubt in my mind.

        The one time I literally knocked a man off his feet was because of the gown. They’re powerful!

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  4. Good Lord, what happened to Madonna? Remember when she was hanging around with Wayne and Garth and looked pretty hot? Rodman ruined that gal. I’d like to see these people show up in more denim. Is denim ever coming back in fashion? I have so much of it, maybe.

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  5. Nice one, woman. Katy Perry’s dress was typical for her. Taylor Swift looked lovely as usual and – HOLY FUCK, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MADONNA.

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  6. And all this time, I thought the Oscars was Project Runway on steroids. I don’t know why I get a kick out of looking at the “worst dressed” pics. Maybe it makes me feel good that these women spent a fortune just to end up being ridiculed. And that I’m fortunate that I don’t have critics lampooning my Thrift Shop style.

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    1. Oh, the pressure of the right dress. If my thighs were a bit firmer, I’d consider a nudist lifestyle.

      But then everyone would compare me to Beyonce and then I’d have to work on my butt. Too tiring. *grin*

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  7. This is pure genius! It’s so true that styles trump awards all the time. Especially if your name starts with Lady and ends with Gaga. πŸ˜‰ You’ve definitely gained a new follower! Feel free to check out my blog as well!
    Cheers!

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