I did my usual 4 minute in-depth sweep of the web to find a hot issue to write about on the Nudge Wink Report this month–and I wasn’t disappointed. There are more blogs and articles about marriage than my short attention span can ever hope to soak into using the brain cells I have left.
Here are 2 websites I scanned through before writing this article:
Article number 1 posits the following reasons that gay marriage would be a good thing:
10. It will decrease the divorce rate
9. No effect on heterosexual community
8. Separation of church and state
7 It’s an issue of Equal rights
6. Because gay marriage is already a reality
5. It will diminish youth suicide
4. Increase amount of children successfully adopted
3. Because civil union is not the same thing as marriage
2. Hospital visitation and medical rights
1. Foster societal acceptance of gay couples and gay individuals.
The 2nd article gives 13 reasons why traditional marriage is bulls**t:
- Ancient Greece: Marriage is for making babies.
- Indigenous peoples: Life is hard, so marry whomever you need to.
- Ancient China: Why restrict marriage to the living?
- Ancient Egypt: Marriage in pursuit of super-legit bloodlines.
- Ancient Rome: Let’s use our wives as political currency.
- Early Christians: Marital sex is a necessary evil.
- Medieval Europe: Life is still hard, and marriage makes business sense.
- 16th Century: Marriage is now a sacrament.
- Enlightenment: Love in marriage is kind of important, too.
- Victorian Era: Good wives belong to the “cult of purity”.
- Early 20th Century: Married people should have good sex.
- 1950s: Nuclear families are the best families.
- Late 20th Century: Marriage is a human right.
I spoke with someone who has a great deal of experience with marriage: Me. Why me? I’ve asked that question many, many times and the best answer is still this:
The more you complain, the longer God makes you stay married live.
The following is a short resume that shows my expertise in the area:
- Marriage number 1: I wore black and was married to a drunk by a minister. There were 13 people in attendance. It lasted until he tried to kill me; i.e, 1 year.
- Marriage #2: I was married in a courthouse to a man 13 years older. It resulted in 2 children and I was a widow 10 years later.
- Marriage #3: I was married in a courthouse to a man 9 years older. He wouldn’t let go, I had an affair with 3 men at one time to point out the fact that it was over. He still wouldn’t let go and I finally had to flee the state. I was in a courthouse saying “I don’t” 4 years after I said, “I do.”
- Marriage # 4: I was married in a church to a man 17 years younger, wore an off-white wedding dress, had a cake and a caterer. We divorced 4 years later. If you need a reason why, this is all I have to say about it: Men get motorcycles and sports cars when they’re in a mid-life crisis. A sports car would have been cheaper.
- Marriage #5: He’s 2 months older than me. We walked into the government annex, signed the contract and left. Our witnesses were the 2 people who were in line to get married before us. That was 16 years ago and we’re still married.
If you take serial monogamy into consideration, I’ve been married for 35 years—just not to the same man. Here are my 5 reasons why it is my expert opinion that marriage should be outlawed:
- It’s a money-making scam for lawyers. With a 50% divorce rate, custody battles and disagreements over who-gets-what, marriage simply feeds the beast.
- Why worry that you’re not going to be able to go onto your other half’s insurance policy? With ObamaCare, you’re paying for everyone else’s insurance anyway.
- Civil Union vs. Marriage argument is bulls**t. If you belong to the church of Nobody-is-right-but-us, Only-same-sex-believers, Atheists-united, or We-don’t-know-what-we-are, you have an official of one sort or the other in your church, mosque, temple, association or whatever. You also have a computer, a printer, and a program to print certificates. At one time, marriage was in the eyes of the leader, tribe, gods, or God. The state issues a birth certificate for children. Your name will be on it as a parent. Divorce is determined by the beliefs of the congregants.
- The right to contract. Why shouldn’t everyone have to fill out a living will, durable power of attorney or sign a contract stating that his/her significant other gets everything, nothing, or the piano you didn’t want in the living room in the first place? If family was such a great solution, why are there stringent guidelines for children who want to put their parents into nursing homes? This would negate the equality argument.
- The Plus 1 system would work much better: If you can bring a plus 1 to a party, why can’t you have a plus 1 in a relationship when a corporation moves you? Of course, if there are children, the birth/adoption certificate should be all that is needed to take them with you. That way, if you move to another city, decide you would rather live with someone else and move again, there’s no need for an expensive divorce.
When I moved to my present home 21 years ago, I swore that the next time I moved it would be to Forest Lawn. If I’m fortunate, that’s how this marriage will end.
Would we still be together without the marriage license? Yes.
Why? Because we’re the only 2 people in the universe who can stand to live with each other.
So the next time someone complains about the marriage laws, ask how many other ways they could spend the $20,000+ it’s going to cost for the wedding ceremony and the 1-in-2 chance that they’re going to get a divorce. Like making a commitment to exercise, marriage sounds like a good idea at the time but paying for a lifetime membership is rarely worth it.