It’s that time again. Time to pop the corks and pray that, back when you were sober, you had the good sense to find a designated driver you could trust with your life. Did you choose wisely?
Old Geezer 2013 is set to hobble away with his walker into that good night and fresh-faced millennial extraordinaire L’enfant Terrible 2014 is poised to shoot from the chute, iPhone in one hand and cigarette in the other. Pop a fedora atop his pointy head because it’s his party and he can do what he wants.
Introducing 2014: The Year of the Twerk Birth.
As is often my wont during this melancholy time of year, I look back and ponder. What was rewarding about the last 12 months? How have I grown? Where have we been and where are we going? What have we learned?
Spoiler alert! For those writing a term paper on this post, here are the crib notes: Despite being the most recent year we’ve ever had, 2013 will go down in history as the year we made just about everything worse. And that takes real effort!
On my quixotic quest for meaning and understanding naturally I turned to the internet, the most awesome knowledge tool of all time. How well did we wield this power? Let’s find out!
Based on data released by one of the gatekeepers of the arcane knowledge, our intellects thirsted for elucidation about seven
idiots celebrities, a computer game, the iPhone 5 and Obamacare.
Are we making great strides as the most advanced civilization the world has ever known or what? I’d write more about this but I have to go twerk it. It’s my post and I can do what I want.
Study this list carefully because these are the exact priorities of Baby New Year 2014. You have been warned.
- Miley Cyrus
- Kim Kardashian
- Kate Upton*
- Selena Gomez*
- Obamacare (Affordable Care Act)
- Amanda Bynes*
- Jodi Arias
- iPhone 5
- Justin Bieber
*Note: I don’t even know who these people are. That’s how far I’m outta the loop.