Posted in 1 Point Perspective, Humor, Uncategorized

All The Good Ones Are Taken

If you like it, reach through the bars and put a ring on it.  (Image from government gone wild dot org)
If you like it, reach through the bars and put a ring on it. (Image from government gone wild dot org)

If you listened carefully, you may have heard a strange sound earlier this week.  It was the sad collective moans and sobs of single women around the globe as news broke that one of the world’s most eligible bachelors fell into the ranks of the “spoken for”.  I refer, of course, to the engagement announcement made by a young lass named Star who somehow managed to snag the one and only Mr. Charles Manson.

I don’t read Cosmo as often as I should, but I’m sure they’ve had at least one article on how deceivingly difficult it can be to catch a guy who’s in ankle irons.  Difficult or not, Star reports to anyone who’ll listen that she and Charlie have promised to tie the knot.  They haven’t officially set a date.  It seems Charlie had his heart set on June 6, 2006, but he and Star weren’t even dating then.  She was in a tough place emotionally back in ’06, having just been dumped by David Berkowitz.  Once he’d found out she wasn’t actually a talking dog, the magic was pretty much out of that relationship.

“Star” is actually the name which Manson gave the young woman.  He told a Rolling Stone reporter “She’s not a woman.  She’s a star in the Milky Way“.  With poetic chops like those, it’s easy to see how California inmate number B-33920 managed to woo a woman 1/3 his age from behind bars.  Her actual name is not known to this intrepid reporter.  Kudos to mom and dad, whoever they are, for their savvy public relations moves.  Well-played.

This is one of the cheap ones.  Star was hoping for one that makes the waffles in the shape of a pentagram.  (Image from Wikipedia dot org)
This is one of the cheaper models. Star was hoping for one that makes the waffles in the shape of a pentagram. (Image from Wikipedia dot org)

Charlie isn’t saying much about their plans, but Star has been busy getting them signed up at the local at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Items on their gift registry include a waffle maker, a Keurig coffee machine and a Dutch oven.   In addition to the store items, she’s added a honeymoon fund to the registry where well-wishers can contribute in the form of currency or cartons of cigarettes.

This isn't Star, but you've got to admit, she's got some fashion balls.  You get her to carve a symbol of hatred into that pretty mug and this chick's score goes way up (Image from worth1000 dot com)
This isn’t Star, but you’ve got to admit, she’s got some fashion balls. You get her to carve a symbol of hatred into that pretty mug and this chick’s score goes way up (Image from worth1000 dot com)

When questioned about Manson’s swastika carved forehead, Star reportedly likened the scar to Harry Potter’s lightning bolt, but “more bad-ass“.  Reportedly Star has carved a swastika into her own face and shaved her head.  Hopefully Charlie doesn’t get cold feet when he realizes that the Milky Way may be a little too far out.

As of this writing, the couple has not made public their plans for the nuptials, but the smart money is the chapel over by C-block.  Though it lacks stained glass windows, there is a lovely view of the exercise yard and guard tower #17 stands in the distance like a turret in a castle or something.

The bride’s attire for the big day remains a mystery, but the groom will almost certainly be wearing an orange ensemble with standard issue shower sandals.  Their post wedding plans are unknown, but will likely include separate bedrooms with substantial amounts of concrete and razor wire between them.

Grooms in the know will say "No" to horizontal stripes!  Those broad bands just pack on the unwanted pounds in all your special photos.  (Image from cruiselawnews dot com)
Grooms in the know will say “No” to horizontal stripes! Those broad bands just pack on the unwanted pounds in all your wedding day photos. (Image from cruiselawnews dot com)

The two will fade into relative obscurity until they reach the inevitable point of boring married predictability which nearly all couples eventually face.  At that time, Charlie will once again be in the news when he decides to christen Star with a new name.  We’ll have to wait and see which name he chooses for her at that time.  It’s unlikely he’ll opt to start calling her “The Old Ball and Chain”, since that name is already taken by his old ball and chain.

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Author:

I used to write a fair amount here on my blog, but then I got lazier and now I only manage to write over at The Nudge Wink Report once every month or so.  I only write there because of assigned deadlines and my unflagging allegiance to a woman I've never met but love anyway, the lovely Blogdramedy herself.  My current profile there is a 30,000 word run-on-sentence and ends up keeping people from scrolling all the way to the comments section.  As any blogger will tell you, posting without getting comments is like kissing your first cousin - and not in a hot, West Virginia sort of way.  I'm hoping this little blurb can take the place of the other profile and allow people to actually reach the comments section.

31 thoughts on “All The Good Ones Are Taken

  1. “If you like it, reach through the bars and put a ring on it.” Damn it, now I’ll have that song stuck in my head all day.

    The tattoo being more “bad ass” than Harry Potter’s scar had me howling. That’s classic Star alright!

    I think I’ll give these nuptials my blessing. Everyone deserves a second millionth chance.

    In other news, my dad died in his 60’s and Manson is now 79. Good one, God! 🙂

    Like

    1. God’s a real card that way.

      Now that Star’s engaged, I’m guessing her prison visits will focus less on worshipping Charlie and more on picking china patterns and doing seating charts. That shit will run Manson straight to his grave.

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  2. E-Harmony would say this: “There’s someone out there for everyone.” Ah, romance. Ah, insanity. “Mommy, I want to grow up and marry a serial murderer!” Gah.

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  3. That was hilarious! You caught me at, “If you like it reach into the bars and put a ring on it.” That’s like adopting a schizophrenic pit bull with PTSD recently rescued from dog fighting. 🙂

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      1. That about covers it.

        I was asleep again at 4:30am, awake when a 20 pound coon cat insisted my face was a pin cushion. 🙂

        I read somewhere that brilliant people are usually the ones who are up and creative at 4 in the morning. That’s probably a bunch of hype by people who throw percentages around like spoon-launched meatballs in a food fight. 🙂

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