What do you do when you wake up and realize it’s your day to post to NWR and you forgot to add the date to your laptop calendar?

First, you freak. Then, you seek out some really cheesy photos, throw a few words on the page and call it breakfast. This would never have happened if I’d gotten that iPhone for my birthday. LIKE. I. ASKED.

— Nudge

What says love to man’s best friend better than capturing their most intimate moments on film? Yes, making the front page of Huffington Post this week was a slideshow of dogs squatting and getting busy. The caption?

Dramatic Portraits Of Dogs Pooping

How do you turn an average, everyday photo of your dog (doing what comes naturally) dramatic? Wait until he’s suffering from constipation, then drag him to the park and wait. And wait. And wait. Then take the shot, hike back home and photoshop his face mid-spasm over the original image. Then wait for him to come up and lick off your face. He’ll be that pleased you care and decided to share with the entire world.

If they don't make dog laxatives, maybe they should.

If they don’t make dog laxatives, maybe they should.

This dramatic pictorial led to clicking on another story of animal pageantry. The annual bacchanalia of tits & ass called the “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.” Famous for its sexy lingerie and cosy pajamas, this year VS stepped so far outside the box there’s not enough duct tape in the world to put the box back together again.

This year’s design team had a muse. Her name was Wal-Mart.

One face looks particularly happy. Tongue and all.

One face looks particularly happy. Tongue and all.

The next time I’m in Wal-Mart I’m going to ask the greeters “when do you get your new uniforms?” and “does it also come with a frowny face for when you’re working the customer service desk?”

With those shoes she'll want to get off her feet.

With those shoes she’ll want to get off her feet.

A $750-million syndication deal to bring The Simpsons to online streaming. And really, I have nothing more to add.

The Simpsons score huge syndication deal. Bart plans to buy a brewery.

The Simpsons score huge syndication deal. Bart plans to buy a brewery.

Take this banana and split. Pointillism by the Japanese artist, End Cape.

Is this art? Or is it acupuncture?

Is this art? Or is it acupuncture?

Some milk and a spoon and voila…TurtleBerry Cereal.

This could take a while.

This could take a while.

Looking for a hostess gift? How about some Mapkins? Only $79.00. For a set of four. I have to go laugh my ass off now.

Just don't wipe you mouth on one or you'll never find your way back.

Just don’t wipe you mouth on one or you’ll never find your way back.

Being President comes with all sorts of perks. Like personal hand delivery of your Christmas wish list. Number 1 on the list? Finding John Boehner an elsewhere to be.

I think we all know what President Obama wants for Christmas this year.

I think we all know what President Obama wants for Christmas this year.

The Mayor of Toronto has been dealing with a few personal issues lately. Nothing that smoking a little crack can’t fix.

Goose. Cooked.

Goose. Cooked.

And then there’s CB-X, a company that makes male chastity devices. This is what they say on their website:

Male chastity devices restrict a man from touching his genitals for sexual pleasure. The male chastity device gives the Keyholder control over the sexual fulfillment of both partners by denying the wearer the touch he has had all of his life. His focus is now on when he can experience sexual gratification, and the Keyholder has complete control over the wearer’s pleasure. This denied access means the wearer must please the Keyholder in order to receive the pleasure he craves.

I’ve been told to not even think about getting one for my partner this Christmas. I’m forever losing my keys.

Comes in small, medium, large, and ouch.

Comes in small, medium, large, and ouch.

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