It’s the weekend. Everyone is out partying tonight. Not you? If you are not out partying tonight, surely you have a job you need to go to. The unemployment upsweep has not hit you yet? Unless you are an agoraphobic Cat Lady, chances are you need to communicate with someone at some time. Right? Well I am going to give you five pieces of information that will catapult you into fame and glory in the eyes of the people you come into contact with; even you, Cat Lady. Just put these little gems of useless information into your little quiver of quirkiness. You will thank me later.
But before we go on, I need to make an announcement! It’s time for a drinking game. Grab your vodka, whiskey, moonshine or Bailey’s. Every time you read the words Steelers’ cheerleaders, you have to take a big swig. Game on!
1) The Denver Nuggets’ Mascot does a really good rag-doll impression.
Basketball season began recently with a bang, much to the excitement of every basketball loving person in the world. Sports bars were packed as fans gathered around the boob-tube for a break from the NFL. It is getting a bit old on the NFL front, to be honest. I am not saying who my source is, but a very credible source just informed me that Peyton Manning is, indeed, a cyborg. So watching the Broncos win is sort of like watching reruns of That 70’s Show or Dora the Explorer. No one cares anymore. We all know that the Steelers’ cheerleaders could probably beat the Jacksonville Jaguars even after a night on the bottle, and it’s getting a bit pathetic over there, to be honest.
The world of sports lovers drew a collective sigh of relief when the NBA kicked off its season recently. Except in Denver, where there was a collective gasp. Apparently, the Nuggets’ mascot is either not a fan of basketball, not a fan of heights, or had spent the night before partying with the Steelers’ cheerleaders, because as he was lowered from the rafters to the middle of the court, he decided that it was nap time. Technically, he passed out. Clearly he had not done a run-through prior to this stunt. He was revived, much to his own shame, and the Nuggets’ offered the crowd group therapy sessions after the game. I would have suggested free Coors Light, but they never asked me.
2) If Jesus had an iPod, He’d be playing Britney, bitch.
Apparently, “Jesus Christ: Superstar” is too 70’s for us. Maybe it is the bell bottoms. Maybe it is the polyester. Maybe it’s that there were roller skates involved. It certainly could have something to do with a conspicuous absence of Steeler’s cheerleaders. At any rate, Jesus’ life story needs serious upgrading when it comes to stage presence. At least that is what a group of friends believed before they wrote a play that told the story of Jesus’ birth, life, and death and then set it to the music of 90’s pop icon, Britney Spears.
Boasting a playlist featuring, “Oops, I Did it Again,” “Crazy,” “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman,” “I Wanna Go,” “Stronger,” and “Baby, One More Time,” this soundtrack could keep heads bobbing right through Pilate washing is hands of the whole sticky situation. The only problem I can see here is that most of Britney Spears’ songs are about sex. I am pretty sure that sex was not a big part of Jesus’ life. I do ascribe to the belief that He wasn’t a bachelor, and I would even submit that I do think He may have been the spouse of the reformed harlot, Mary Magdalene, but I am also fairly sure that Jesus was not a Kardashian who would film (or have drawn) His sexcapades. So why, of all people, Britney; and why of all songs, her love mix-tape? I can imagine “Toxic.” Most definitely. (I am singing it in my head right now.) And “Scream and Shout.” You know, I should have been asked to consult on this project. A good musical piece where the Steelers’ cheerleaders play Sadducees and Pharisees while “Toxic” is playing really does sound like high art. Amirite?
3) Russians will do weird things for love.
The world abounds in freaks. It really does. Don’t believe me? Look at Cat Lady over there in her zip-up robe and hair net. Also, look at these Russian dating site profile pictures. I don’t need to say much, but of course, I will.
4) The “Sparrow” is the new “Duck.”
If you have a camera and you do selfies, you’re guilty. It isn’t just that you do selfies, which is bad. It’s that you have done the “Duck.” Don’t tell me that. I am not buying your malarkey. If you have selfied, you have “Ducked.” No? Really? Does a bear… drop a deuce in the woods? Exactly. I am going to give you a moment to try to delete all the “Ducks.” Go ahead.
You need to make room for some selfies of you doing the new fad. It’s called “The Sparrow.” Here’s what it is:
Here’s how you do it:
a) Open your eyes really wide. Wider. Wider. Oh God! That’s too wide! Pop that back in your head and close your eyes a little bit.
b) Open your mouth. NO! It’s not called the “Bass!” Close it just enough so that it’s open but not OPEN. Like you have just had a Taco Bell burrito and you burped but you would rather not let the smell out all at once, lest you scare away the only date you have had since moving out of mom’s basement. The pucker is cute, too, but we don’t want smokers’ lips.
c) Optional Step. Put your hand to your cheek or chin. Curl your fingers a bit. No, not like you’re having a spasm. Okay. Clearly you need help. Put your cell phone in your hand, now slowly slide it out of your hand with your other hand. Keep your fingers in that position. Now turn your hand and touch your index finger to your jawbone. For crying out loud, that will do.
The Steelers’ cheerleaders are doing this all over their Instagram accounts as we speak. Oh wait. No they aren’t. You want to know why? Because…
5) The Steelers are one of only six NFL teams who do not have cheerleaders.
I did not know this fact until I wrote about them in the early stages of this post and then tried to Google a picture of them. A picture does not exist because they do not exist. (Interestingly, pictures of Bigfoot do exist though. Hmmm. Bigfoot? Steelers’ cheerleaders? One and the same?) I am going to leave this up to your imagination as to why. I can’t answer it. I don’t know. But I can guess and no one can stop me.
Maybe there is no such thing as Steelers’ cheerleaders because women don’t live in Pittsburg.
Maybe there is no such thing as Steelers’ cheerleaders because the only women who like the Steelers also work in coal mines and have very few teeth.
Maybe there is no such thing as Steelers’ cheerleaders because the Steelers are avid female supporters who don’t want to objectify women. (In which case, throw some scantily clad guys up there instead.)
Fancy a guess? C’mon, Smart Guy, I know you think you know.
So there you have it. Five new facts that will make you the most amazing person your friends have ever met. Don’t forget to take along breath mints. I can only do so much for your image. Go get ‘em, Tiger!
If you are not drunk yet, go back and read through it again. If you still are not drunk by the end of your second go-round, you might want to get help for that.