Posted in Humor, News

A Brave New World

(Author’s Note:  We are turning this into a drinking game!  Every time you read the word “nose,” you have to take a drink of your favorite tipple.  Pull out the vodka and let’s get on with it!  Also, some of the pictures contained in this post may be disturbing.)

Cheers

The advances made in science these days are positively mind blowing.  When we speak to those far away, we no longer have to have a phone plugged into a series of wires that stretch hundreds and thousands of miles around the world.  (Yes children, once upon a time twenty-five years ago, having a cordless phone was a luxury and technology that graced few homes.)  Science was pushing the envelope of possibility when transplants were emerging as life-saving measures for those in need.  Failure was far more likely than success.  The world drew a collective gasp in 1996 when Dolly, the cloned sheep, stepped into the headlines.  Cloning a sheep!  (Why a sheep?  Who knows?  But that’s not the point.)  What is next?

Here is What is Next

Doctors in China have successfully grown a nose for transplant!

Why a Nose?

The nose was grown for a man whose original nose suffered horrible trauma in 2012.  Pictures of the man’s nose (or lack thereof) are hard, if not impossible to come by.  But let’s just assume he has the nose of a certain celebrity.

Michael Jackson Bad

No, not Michael Jackson.  Think ‘fictional.’

Michael Jackson Recent

No.  I said “not Michael Jackson.”  Think ‘Master of the Universe.’

he-man-wink

Not He-Man, exactly.  Think ‘nemesis.’

Skeletor

That’s right.  This man’s current nose situation is awfully reminiscent of Skeletor.

For some ComiCon goers, this would be epic.  For normal people, not so much.

So, seeking a change to the topography of his face, this man engaged a group of doctors to grow him a new nose.

How?

I am not sure how.  I could look it up and explain, but this is not science class and I am not a teacher… and also, I am lazy.  It has something to do with stem cells.

Where?

On his forehead.

That’s right on his forehead.

Okay.  I get that sometimes certain body locations are more appropriate than others for… erm… growing things (like herpes and toe fungus).  There has to be a reason this location was chosen.  I am sure if it were up to the poor guy, he would have chosen a more inconspicuous place; maybe his stomach?  I am willing to bet my life that he didn’t tell the doctor “Put it right here on my forehead.  No, not in the center.  Just to the left.  Right above my left eyebrow.  A little more.  More.  No, too far.  Back a bit.  Higher.  PERFECT!”  What I know he didn’t say to the doctor was:  “Okay, now rotate it to the left 165°.”

165°?  Yes, 165°

The nose, if you will notice, is turned almost completely upside down.  Why?  I can only guess.

Nosey Guy

Perhaps the guy wanted it to double as a resting place for his jauntily tilted fedoras.

Perhaps the doctor thought it would be fun to see how much rain water the guy could catch.

Perhaps there was an experiment on deviated septums and the position of the nose.

Cigarette holder?

Maybe they were just going for broke.  “Well, we have to put a nose on your forehead.  This is going to be very awkward for a very long time.  We might as well make this look like art.  Picasso did weird things.  WE can do weird things.  We are the Picassos of plastic surgery.  Goooooo team!”

(IMHO: The nose, post-trauma is not too bad.  I have seen worse things done to a nose on purpose.  See the King of Pop above.)

But There is More!

This is not the first time a body part has been grown using stem cells.  There was:

An ear on a forearm

Ear

A fingertip on a stomach

Fingertip

An ear on a mouse (I’ll just pass.  I don’t want anyone nibbling on my mouse-hide ear, plus I will never trust my cat again.)

Mouse Ear

A liver in a petri dish (If you used a liquor-infused base, would it rule out any possibility of cirrhosis down the line?)

Liver

A lower jawbone printed on a 3-D printer (The possibilities are endless.  Literally, endless.  More about this and how I am going to get rich using 3-D printers in another post.)

Jawbone

So What is On the Horizon?

When I was 12 years old, my doctors told me I was not going to get any taller.  I was absolutely heart-broken.  I wanted to be the next Claudia Schiffer or Cindy Crawford.  But supermodels are not 5’6”.  They are 5’10” and above.

Being the altruistic individual I am, I had spent some time volunteering at the local Shriner’s Hospital.  While here, I discovered that there is a surgery that children can get when their bones are disproportionate to one another (i.e., one leg is significantly shorter than the other).  The surgery takes years and years to complete and is incredibly painful.  It includes cutting the bone, mid-shaft, and then pinning the bones in relation to one another just a fraction of an inch apart.  As the bone heals, it actually creates bone mass, connecting the two bones.  The bone is cut again and the process is repeated.  It takes six weeks for each cut to heal.  That means it takes almost five months to grow an inch.  I needed at least four inches but was ready to push it to six.  That would take me two and a half years.  I was ready to make the commitment.  My parents thought I was certifiable.

I didn’t get the surgery.  My dream was killed by genetics.  (Damn them.)

But, what if I could grow a new pair of legs and have them grafted on to my body?  The surgical team could take my short legs and give them to someone who doesn’t have legs, or doesn’t like their legs.  (I have nice legs.  They are strong.  They are reliable.  They are just 4-6 inches too short.)  I would grow them out of my waist.  I would dress up as a very convincing lady bug every Halloween until they were big enough to be grafted into their new positions.  I would be awesome at football (soccer, not American).  I would win every single Indian Leg Wrestle ever.  I could take on two opponents at a time.  See?  Very compelling.

Organ Donation

When I die, I realize that my body will be filled with chemicals, painted with spray paint, and put into my frilliest dress.  People will walk by my casket and say “she doesn’t look anything like the woman I know.”  And they would be right.  Dead people look… weird.

So I’ve decided, given that this body is just a vessel, that I am an organ donor.  I am not going to need my liver, kidneys, bone marrow, eyeballs, lungs, or heart when I am dead.  This new story of growing body parts has given rise to an idea.

I would be kept alive on a ventilator after my soul has punched it’s ticket and headed into the afterlife.  My body could be used as a Nose Nursery.  (Think ‘Pumpkin Patch” with body parts instead of gourds.)  I would allow rows and rows of beautiful noses (there is a song in this, I think) to be grown and harvested on my abdomen, forehead, arms, cheeks, and legs.  But here is the rub…

I get to choose what noses get planted.  It is like my caveat; my last will, if you will.

I will choose to be the nursery of desirable noses.  Noses like:

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria

Jamie Lee Curtis

Jamie Lee Curtis

Such noses will not be acceptable:

Adrian Brody

Adrian Brody

Owen Wilson

Owen Wilson

In Closing

The present offers so many options and features that I am sure the heads of our ancestors are reeling.  What once seemed sci-fi, even in my lifetime, is now reality.  What’s next?  Flying cars?  Who nose?  (See what I did there?)

What are you looking forward to seeing invented?  What future possibilities scare you?

**********

Photo credits:  CheersBad, Worse, He-Man, Skeletor, Nosey, Ear, Fingertip, Mouse, Liver, Jawbone, Eva, Jamie, Adrian, Owen

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Author:

In order to protect myself and my right to tell the truth about certain people who bother the living schnizzle out of me, I choose to go by a clever pseudonym. You can also call me Natalie. It's not my name, but I wish it were.

46 thoughts on “A Brave New World

  1. Laughed so much!
    Actually, organ grafting will help an unbelievably large number of people with organ rejection problems. As always, your writing style is spectacularly awesome!
    Yes, exaggerated praise for an exemplary post!
    Keep it up.

    Like

  2. I knew before the jump where this was going. I sniffed it out. What do I win? 🙂

    Like you, I also speculated at the angle of the nose. Y U NO POINT DOWN?

    What’s above the nose? (Normally, I mean.) Eyes. And what’s above those? Eyebrows. For bonus points go back and study those, too. I think you’ll be in for a delightful surprise!

    Science thinks outside of the box FTW. Ew.

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      1. Careful or you’ll get Tom’s award of Poop-cellence. It’s nice but a bit ripe for hanging in the house. Maybe an outhouse.

        — Wink

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  3. This was one of the most informative posts I’ve ever read. You should have “MD” after your name. For “medical doctor” and “mentally demented.” I’ve visited some doctors who fit both so you’d be in good company. And I hear you get major discounts for plastic surgery if you’re “in the club.”

    Just, whatever you do, don’t ever touch any body parts belonging to Karl Urban. He’s perfect just the way he is. *grin*

    Like

  4. Natalie, this post freaked out Wink so much he’s now convinced he has a penis growing out of his nose. I told him not to come into the NWR office if he gets a cold because if he sneezes…ew, ick, yuk. That would be beyond gross.

    Great first post! You’ve raised the bar around here. It’s now the perfect height for me to rest my elbow when knocking back tequila shots. You rock!

    Nudge

    Like

  5. Well thank you for this post. You and the email from Le Clown calling me a fk yet again absolutely made my morning complete. I laughed out loud several times and am sure my husband thinks I’ve left my senses, ok he already knew that but lets say it’s now reinforced.

    Like

  6. If possible, I’d like to sign up for one of the noses which is grown in your armpit (left or right, I’m not picky). While I don’t mean to imply that your armpits are malodorous, I just think it would be a great story at cocktail parties.

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    1. Hahaha! But you’d either smash it every time you put your arm down, it your have to keep your hand raised. You’d walk around looking like a second grader with your hand in the air and people would always ask you if you had a question. (I spent some significant time in consideration of this.)

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      1. You’ve misinterpreted my request. I’d like one of the noses grown in YOUR armpit. I’m planning on replacing my current honker with a snazzy Roman number, and I thought it would impress/amuse/nauseate people at the company Christmas party if they knew my new beak was grown in your cute little armpit. I’m glad we were able to sort this out before you lapsed into the coma/nose-farm state.

        Like

          1. I would’ve guessed rose petals with a hint of mint…either way works for me. As I understand it, the new noses are only ornamental anyway. This whole thing’s just begging to be made into a TV movie starring Jamie Farr and Barbra Streisand.

            Like

      1. I’d follow you anywhere – nudge wink. Now, about salary,paid vacations and health care – the good kind, dental, glasses and weekly spa treatments. Not sure about the term, assistant – we may have to rethink that in the package.

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      1. Wait…really? They can do that? This is just like a story I thought up with my Transformers when I was a child. The Decepticons kept replicating themselves! It was a disaster!

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        1. LOL. Cutter… just you wait. I read on CNN.com that they’ve found molecules that behave like… wait for it…. take a seat so you don’t hit your head when you fall over from shock…

          A LIGHT SABRE!

          Like

                    1. Yep… that’s exactly it. And eat massive quantities of bonbons. I also watch Jerry Springer and Judge Judy is my hero. I take all my health advice from Dr. Oz and all my relationship advice from Dr. Phil.

                      Like

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