English: The logo for Apple Computer, now Appl...

(Public Domain photo credit: Wikipedia) Because The Nudge Wink Report can’t afford the current Apple logo.

The big news this week is that it isn’t happening this week. Next week is when the world will stop for Apple’s yearly declaration of new items that we will give them money for.

So this week, there has been no news on anything important:

  • Maybe the US is taking some action in Syria, but maybe not.
  • Perhaps the economy and the price of oil is either rising or falling.
  • In sports, Johnny Manziel’s parents may have raised a jackass. That jackass is brighter than their son.
  • This might be one of the slowest hurricane seasons on record, but September begins the peak of the season.

And in to this news void steps Apple with their announcement that they have nothing to say. Next week, they will have something to say. Next week they will say what they have something to say about, but until then we should talk amongst ourselves.

Yes, the big news this week isn’t this week. But because no one knows what it is, the news is not actual news, but speculation. Speculation is the opposite of news. Journalists don’t speculate, but reporters do, and those reporters call their speculation news.

Next week, Apple may or may not announce one or two new iPhone models. Here is what reporters tell us they know about the blessed announcement. By “know”, of course, what they mean is “they think” that…

  • These iPhones will have a fingerprint reader for security, unless they don’t.
  • If there are two phones announced, one will be cheaper. It will have a colorful plastic body, or not.
  • The colorful, plastic phone will be available in the US, unless it is for another market. In that case, it won’t be available in the US.
  • The new iPhone 5s or iPhones 5s will be available a week or so, or more, after Apple speaks to us all.
  • The phone or phones could have an improved camera, possibly.
English: A ridiculous line of people waiting f...

Good luck to all who line up. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

News consists of things that have happened, not things that could happen. But what could happen is what passed for news this week. In the spirit of what might be, I am here to report, as news, a few other things that Apple could tell us about the new iPhone(s):

  • The updated iPhone’s beauty will be so powerful it could cause blindness. Apple will recommend gazing upon the phone through a paper plate with a hole in it.
  • To prevent blindness, Apple will package a paper plate with the updated phone. It will be the most elegantly designed paper plate, ever.
  • The new iPhone 5s is capable of disinfecting kitchen sponges.
  • An app will make the phone able to steam shell-fish.
  • With apologies to Mr. & Mrs. Manziel, even the new iPhone won’t cure poor parenting.

Best of luck to all who will line up for Apple’s newest “must have” in two weeks. Or three. Whatever.